Atonement(15)
“Absolutely f*cking no.”
The speaker was Drew and we sat next to one another in his bedroom on his elaborate California King bed.
I stood up and began to pace, something I did often when I was nervous or upset. I was more of the former than the latter. “Goddamn it, Drew, she’s my cousin. What am I supposed to do? Have her stay at a halfway house? My uncle would chew off my ass. Colin has agreed I can stay at his place until we leave so she could have my bedroom and I would leave my portion of the bill money with you. You get to call all the shots and the first time she messes up, you get to kick her out.”
Drew leaned back on his bed, his slim-fitting tee riding up to reveal a toned tanned stomach with a thatch of light brown pubic hair leading down past his jeans.
“We both know how she is, Deirdre. I don’t need a walking nympho in my residence. I get enough action from the male and female population at work—this is my sanctuary. We have always had an arrangement and it’s worked out great. I know what to expect from you and I like living with you. I was hoping we could spend your last week here together. I won’t see you for a while after that,” he explained with deep emotional gray eyes.
I stopped pacing and stared at him with my most sincere look. “Listen, I am just trying to keep everything calm around here. I don’t want you to be upset and at the moment, I am at the end of my rope. Please, make this easier on me and just say yes.”
“I don’t like this whole ‘staying with Colin’ situation. The man is a whore and isn’t very discriminating with who he brings to his bed. I don’t want him to become a bad influence on you—”
“Isn’t that like the pot calling the kettle black? You haven’t managed to corrupt me and I highly doubt he will. Besides, we’ll be staying together when we are in Europe so what exactly is the problem here?”
Drew finally stood and strode to me before he slid his arms around my waist. “It would break my heart if another man tried to take advantage of you—that’s all. Am I out of line for wanting to keep you safe?”
I slipped my arms around his neck. “We both know what this is about and I have let you slide for much too long so let me just spell it out because obviously I haven’t been clear enough with what is going on with me. You and I…a romantic relationship…is never going to happen, Drew. I love you so much and I can admit I am probably in love with you but I need to live life and we are suffocating one another. Don’t you see that?”
His arms fell away from my waist. “What are you talking about, Deirdre?”
“We’re so f*cking co-dependent on one another it isn’t healthy. I’ve discussed this with Dr. van der Meer and he tells me I am enabling your behavior because I am being selfish and acting like an adolescent. We both are—neither of us have real jobs that utilize our degrees and we still act like perpetual college students. I think this separation will be good for the both of us.”
I paused and looked into those mesmerizing pale irises. “You mean everything to me and I don’t think that will ever change but I have already made up my mind. Whether Aubrey is here or not, I won’t be…not for a while. If you don’t want her to stay then you will have to tell her. You specifically explain why because I am not going to be the bad guy here for you. We both need to do this and…you know it as well as I do.”
My arms fell away and I turned to leave with my head slightly bowed. If I thought too hard, I would start to cry yet again. Breaking Drew’s heart was the equivalent of breaking of my own but it had to be done and that’s what made the whole situation so screwed up. It had to be accomplished but why couldn’t he have done it to me first? I could have forgiven him but it would be that much harder for him to erase the feelings of betrayal he felt for me and that just made me feel worse than I already did.
“Fine, leave, it’s always what you have been good at, Deirdre, but just know when he breaks your heart, I’ll be here to pick up the pieces because it’s what I do. You’re not rid of me!”
I stopped walking as I reached the double doors. “Yeah, I’m quite familiar with the PJ Harvey tune, Drew.”
Before he could say anything else to me, I opened the door and closed it softly behind me.
Aubrey and Colin stood in the sitting room as she tried to work her seductive magic but he was having none of it. In fact, he looked a bit stony-faced as she looked longingly into his face and tossed her hair in that crazy sexual way that sent most men running with a major hard-on in the opposite direction.