Ash Princess (Ash Princess Trilogy #1)(86)

I’ve never heard of someone wielding that much power without a gem, uncontrollable as it might have been. I hadn’t even thought it was possible, but I have no reason not to believe Blaise. The anguish written plainly on his face twists at my heart; it’s a feeling I know too well. I open my mouth to tell him it wasn’t his fault, that it was an accident, that Ampelio wouldn’t have blamed him. But as true as all those things might be, they won’t do any good. I know because even though I’m sure executing Ampelio was the only thing I could have done—even though he asked me to do it—I still feel guilty. Blaise’s guilt is just as bad, and there is nothing I can possibly say that will take even a small part away.

So I don’t say anything at all. Instead, I wrap my arms around him and just hold him while we both cry. His heart presses against mine, in tune, and when our tears slow, his lips press against my hair, my forehead, my tearstained cheeks. He begins to pull back, but I root him in place, drawing his lips to mine.

It’s a different kiss entirely from the uncertain one we shared three weeks ago, the one we haven’t spoken of since. The one I thought he rejected me after, though now I wonder if I misread that. It’s different, too, from the way S?ren and I kissed. Our kisses were filled with hope and giddiness, with the exploration of something new and beautiful.

This is a kiss of acceptance, for him as well as me. It’s forgiveness for things we’ve done that are unforgivable. I love him, but the realization doesn’t feel like plunging into ice water the way it does when I try to pull apart my feelings for S?ren. Because falling in love with Blaise was always going to happen, even if we lived in a simpler world where the siege never happened. Even if we were both unscarred. We were always going to end up here.

I can see it before me as clearly as if I’m looking through a window: our parents still alive and happy and teasing us for every tiny show of affection, Blaise and I walking through my mother’s garden hand in hand, kissing him goodbye when he leaves for his Guardian trials, kissing him hello again when he finally returns. I want that life so badly that my chest aches, and there is nothing I wouldn’t give to have it.

He holds me until I fall asleep, but when I wake up to the sun streaming through my window, I’m reminded that we don’t live in that simpler world. Because he’s gone, the others are watching me, and my back is screaming.





HOA WAS MERCIFUL ENOUGH TO let me sleep in—she knew I needed it. It must be past noon. For a moment, I forget what happened last night, but as soon as I move, the welts on my back send a lightning bolt of pain through me and I let out a hiss.

“The Prinz is back,” Artemisia says immediately, like she’s been waiting for hours for me to wake up. She likely has been. I slowly force myself into a sitting position.

“Did you hear me?” she asks when I don’t answer right away.

“I did,” I say. My wounds ache as I stretch my arms over my head. “Give me a moment.”

I carefully climb out of bed, crossing to my wardrobe to keep my back to her. My heart is racing, and it’s difficult to hide my sense of panic. Though I still remember the feel of Blaise’s arms around me, his lips against mine, I can’t deny that I have feelings for S?ren as well, and if he’s back, that means the time is coming for me to kill him. I don’t want to; the thought of burying my dagger in his flesh, the way I killed Ampelio, makes me want to vomit, and I don’t think it’s something I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for.

But with the Kalovaxians divided and fighting among themselves, they’ll be weakened to an outside attack. It’s the best chance we have to start to reclaim our country and free my people. I can’t afford not to take it.

I find an amethyst chiton dress that I don’t need Hoa’s help to put on and pull it out of the wardrobe. “Who told you that S?ren’s back?” I ask Artemisia, silently chiding myself for using his name instead of just his title. I can’t help but think of the Prinz and S?ren as different entities altogether. It makes it easier that way.

“No offense, Theo, but watching you sleep is boring,” Heron says. “I cloaked myself and took a walk around the castle a couple of hours ago. It was all anyone was talking about.”

“Any word on how badly his troops fared?” I ask, wincing as I stretch my back, causing the fresh wounds to stretch as well. “I’d like to know that whipping came with a silver lining.”

“He left with four thousand men; he came back with less than two thousand,” Heron says, and I can practically hear him smiling. “Dragonsbane came through.”

“Albeit reluctantly,” Art adds. “According to the crew members I talked with this morning, she only wanted to warn the Vecturians. They gathered enough forces from all of the Vecturian Islands to put up a fight against the four thousand Kalovaxians. My mother’s ship was on its way back here when the Vecturian members of her crew rebelled and convinced most of the crew to return and help tip the scales. The Kalovaxians didn’t expect it to be much of a fight. They weren’t prepared and had no choice but to retreat.”

“Still, give her my thanks,” I say to Artemisia. “It’s no wonder the Kaiser was so angry.” I can’t help but smile. It was worth it, I tell myself, even as my back aches.

“Tell her the rest,” Blaise says, his voice soft.