Ash Princess (Ash Princess Trilogy #1)(35)
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Hoa returns a few minutes later with a basket of laundry in her arms, and my Shadows go silent. They aren’t quite as practiced at it as my old Shadows were. I can hear them fidgeting more, breathing louder. If Hoa senses anything off, though, she gives no sign, and I wonder if I only notice because I know the truth. I didn’t know anything was different about my Shadows this morning, after all.
Part of me wants to confess everything to Hoa, but as much as I want to believe I can trust her, I can’t. And after everything Hoa has suffered at the hands of the Kaiser, asking her to stand up against him would be its own kind of cruelty.
I eat a quick dinner alone while Hoa folds the laundry, but the silence feels unbearably loud. I should be used to it. Most meals pass like this and I’ve more or less stopped noticing, but tonight is different. Everything is different. Blaise is so close, Artemisia and Heron too, and they’re watching me as a queen. I’m painfully aware of how lacking I must seem.
After Hoa clears away my plate and turns to my armoire to pick out a nightgown, panic seizes me. She’s going to change me into it. Which means my Shadows are going to see everything.
I’ve never had the luxury of being modest. For the last ten years, the old Shadows watched me change twice a day, and I never gave it a second thought. It was all I’d ever known. And my dress had been ripped to bare my back to hundreds—sometimes thousands—of people. It was a part of the punishment, a way of humiliating and dehumanizing me further. After all, how can anyone look at a bleeding girl in a ripped dress and see her as a leader? But Blaise and Heron and Art seeing me naked is different.
Hoa riffles through my armoire and I take the opportunity to shoot my most commanding look in each Shadow’s direction and twirl a finger in the air, motioning for them to turn around. Not that I have any way of knowing they’re obeying, but I trust them. I have no choice.
Still, I keep my back to them as best I can and face the curtained window instead as Hoa unclasps the shoulders of my chiton and lets it fall to the ground. Her warm fingers reach up to touch one of the healing wounds, causing me to flinch. She makes a muffled, disapproving noise in the back of her throat and leaves my side, returning seconds later with a pot of ointment that stinks of rot and dirt, given to her by Ion to help the healing along. After she applies it gingerly, she slips my nightgown over my head. The thin cotton sticks to the ointment, making it itch, but I know better by now than to scratch.
“Thank you,” I say.
Her hand brushes my shoulder briefly before falling away. Without a sound, she slips from the room, leaving me alone.
But for the first time in a decade, I’m surrounded by allies. I’m not alone, I tell myself. And hopefully, I never will be again.
IT’S BARELY NOON WHEN THE sharp, official knock sounds at the door and sends my heart pounding. My immediate thought is that the Kaiser is summoning me. If all went as I hoped, S?ren found a way to question his father’s decision without the Kaiser tracing it back to me—if he so much as suspects I had anything to do with it, he’ll punish me for it and marry me off to Lord Dalgaard anyway.
My mouth is dry no matter how often I swallow, and I can’t keep from shaking as Hoa goes to the door. I hide my hands in the folds of my dress and struggle to keep my scrambled, panicked thoughts from showing on my face.
I’m acutely aware of Blaise and the others behind the walls. I can’t let them see me afraid. I need to show them that I can be strong and sure.
I cross to stand near Blaise’s post, dropping my voice to a whisper while Hoa is distracted listening to the guard.
“Remember what we talked about. The humiliation at the banquet was a mild inconvenience compared to what will happen now. The Kaiser’s punishments are brutal but not lethal, so you will let it happen and stay silent. Do you understand?” I don’t let myself mention Lord Dalgaard, as if not speaking about it will erase the threat.
He doesn’t reply, but I can almost feel an argument brewing.
“I’m too valuable to kill,” I assure him, softening my voice. “That’s protection enough.”
He grunts in response and I have no choice but to take that as assent.
Hoa flits back into the room, light on her feet, her expression inscrutable. She immediately starts tugging at my dress and smoothing out the wrinkles that have come from sitting around all morning.
“Is it the Kaiser?” I ask, letting real fear seep into my voice.
Her eyes dart to mine briefly before dropping. She shakes her head. Relief spreads through me, loosening the python around my stomach. I have to force myself not to burst into inexplicable laughter.
“The Prinz, then?” I guess as she combs my hair back and fastens it in place with a pearl-encrusted pin.
Another shake of her head.
I frown, wondering who else could throw her into such a frenzy. Briefly I consider the Theyn, which sends another shudder through me before I remember he’s inspecting the mines. Still, it must be someone important, but no one apart from Crescentia—and now, apparently, S?ren—pays me personal attention.
Hoa drags her eyes over me one last time, from the top of my head to my sandaled feet, before giving me a firm nod of approval and a none-too-gentle shove toward the door, where two guards wait.
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