Ash Princess (Ash Princess Trilogy #1)(17)

Freedom is close enough to touch. I can walk away and never look back.

But as soon as I think it, I know it isn’t true.

Ampelio spent the last decade trying to save Astrea because it was our home. Because there were people—like Blaise—who needed him. Because he swore oaths to the gods to protect Astrea and its magic at any cost. His blood is on my hands now, and though I know it was unavoidable, I still took a hero from a world with precious few of them.

Eighty thousand people. It’s an unfathomable number. Eighty thousand mothers, fathers, children. Eighty thousand warriors and artists and farmers and merchants and teachers. Eighty thousand unmarked graves. Eighty thousand of my people who died waiting for someone to save them.

“I think I’d like to stay,” I tell him quietly.

Blaise turns to me, dumbfounded. “What?”

“I appreciate all the trouble you’ve gone to, really I do—”

“I don’t know what that monster did to you, Theo, what lies he’s spun, but you aren’t safe here. I was there tonight when he had you on display like a trophy. It’s only going to get worse.”

How it could be worse I can’t begin to fathom. I won’t think about it. It’ll only weaken my already tentative resolve.

“We don’t have their numbers, Blaise. You’re right: if we come at him on an even field, we lose and the rebellion Ampelio gave his life for will have been for nothing. But if I stay, I can get information. I can find weaknesses, figure out their plans. I can give us a chance to take our country back.”

For a moment, he almost looks like the boy I knew. The boy I chased and clung to, no matter how he tried to get rid of me.

“You can’t tell me I’m wrong,” I say. “I’m your best shot.”

He shakes his head. “It’s too dangerous. You think we haven’t had spies before? We’ve had dozens, and he always finds them. And don’t take this the wrong way, but they were a lot more stable than you are.”

“I’m fine,” I protest, though we both know it’s a lie.

He watches me for a moment, searching my face for any sign of hesitation he can use against me. I don’t give it to him.

“Who are you?” he asks.

It’s such a simple question, but I falter. We both know it’s a test, and one I cannot fail. I swallow, forcing myself to meet his eyes.

“My name is Theo—”

The name catches in my throat and I am a child again, cowering on the cold stone floor while the Kaiser and the Theyn stand over me.

“Who are you?” the Kaiser asks calmly.

But every time I tell him, the whip cracks against my skin and I scream. It goes on for hours. I don’t know what they want from me, I keep telling them the truth. I keep telling them my name is Theodosia Eirene Houzzara. My name is Theodosia. My name is Theo.

Until I don’t. I tell them I am no one.

That is when they stop. That is when the Kaiser crouches next to me with a kind smile and places a finger under my chin, forcing me to look at him. That is when he tells me I am a good girl and gives me a new name like it’s a present. And I am grateful to him for it.

Warm hands grip my shoulders, jerking me back and forth. When I open my eyes, Blaise’s face is inches from mine, eyes dark and harder than I remember them.

“Your name is Theodosia,” he tells me. “Say it.”

I lift my hand to touch his cheek, tracing his scar. He flinches.

“You used to have such a lovely smile,” I tell him. My voice breaks. “Your mother said it would get you into trouble one day.”

He drops his hands as if my skin burned him, but he still watches me like I’m a savage animal. Like I could attack him at any moment. I wrap my arms around my stomach and lean back against the wall.

“What happened to her?” I ask, quietly.

I don’t think he hears me at first. He turns his face away, swallows hard.

“Killed in the siege,” he says after a moment. “She tried to stand between the Kalovaxians and your mother.”

Of course she did. Our mothers were friends from the cradle, “closer than blood,” they used to say. I called her Auntie. Gruesome as it is, it would have been quick at least. For that, I’m thankful.

My legs give out and I sink to the dirty ground.

“And your father?” I ask him.

He shakes his head. “The Kalovaxians have experience conquering countries. They knew to kill the Guardians and warriors first,” he tells me. “Ampelio was the last one.”

“I tried to make it painless,” I murmur. “It was the least I could do. He was already in so much pain, though….I don’t know if it helped.”

Blaise nods, but doesn’t say any more. Instead, he sinks to the ground next to me, crosses his legs, and suddenly it almost feels like we’re children again at our lessons, waiting for our teachers to make sense of the world around us. But none of our world makes sense.

“Theodosia,” he says again. “You need to say it.”

I swallow as the shadows close in again. But I can’t let them overtake me. Not now.

“I am Th…Theodosia Eirene Houzzara,” I tell him. “And I am my people’s only hope.”

For a moment, he stares at me. He’s going to say no and I’m not even sure he’s wrong to.