As the Devil Dares (Capturing the Carlisles #3)(80)

She fell silent. He expected her chin to rise, for the pride in her to surge to the surface the way it always did whenever they fought, for her to retort with some scathing reply—but she didn’t. She only sat there unmoving on the bed, her eyes glistening in the dim light from the stove.

He turned away to stomp into his boots, doing his best to ignore the tightening of his chest at the sight of her tears. And the unbearable knowledge that he’d put them there. He muttered, “You don’t understand. You never will.”

“I lost a parent, too,” she whispered softly, so softly that the sound sliced into his heart, “and I used to blame myself. But I know that—”

“You don’t know a damned thing!” He wheeled on her, fury pulsing through him. He clenched his teeth so hard that the muscle jumped in his neck. “You didn’t kill your mother!”

She inhaled sharply, her eyes widening. For a heartbeat she said nothing, stunned into silence as she stared at him.

Then she breathed out, so softly that her voice wasn’t even a whisper, “And you didn’t kill your father.” She leaned toward him, as if she could physically convince him. “His death was an accident.”

“It wasn’t an accident that he had to hunt down his son from a gambling hell, smelling of gin and prostitutes.” He angrily began to pace the small room, too furious at himself to stand still. “He shouldn’t have been there. He should have been safe at home with Mother.” His hand shook violently as he raked it through his hair. “If I hadn’t been there, if I had been the son he deserved—”

“You are, Robert,” she insisted softly.

“Not that night I wasn’t. Not only was I the son who disappointed him—” The words choked around the knot in his throat. He sucked in a ragged breath, then admitted in a hoarse voice, “I was too drunk to help him.”

“He hit his head,” she whispered with a soft shake of hers. “There was nothing you could have—”

“You weren’t there! You didn’t see the look on his face or hear his words, and you’ll never be able to understand the hell I’ve gone through since.”

She reached for him. “Robert, please—”

“Stop,” he hissed, pulling back to keep her from touching him. He couldn’t have borne it.

He started toward the door. The urge inside him to flee was overwhelming…from the ghosts of what happened that night, from her kindness and sympathy that only brought more pain, from having to face the truth of what she was saying.

From the moment he’d learned she’d lost her mother, he’d hoped she’d be able to understand his pain, but that was all he’d wanted—understanding. He sure as hell wasn’t seeking absolution in her arms.

He paused at the door, his hand on the handle, as he tried to think of something to say to her, some parting comment to make her understand. But nothing came. His mind spun too fast to sort through all that had occurred between them tonight. So he stood there, breathing deeply and trying to find his way through the riot of emotions that engulfed him. That pulled at him to finally take him under and drown him.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Mariah said softly.

He felt the heat of her as she came up behind him and squeezed his eyes shut against the pain. “He was there because of me.”

“It was an accident, my darling.” Her arms slid around his waist, and she gently pressed herself against him. She laid her cheek against his back, and he sucked in a mouthful of air through clenched teeth at the scalding torture of her consoling touch. “A terrible, horrible accident.”

“Mariah—”

“It wasn’t your fault,” she repeated, tightening her arms around him, unwilling to let him go. “Just as it wasn’t my fault that Mama took us to the park and came down with fever. People die, and there’s nothing we can do to stop it. No matter how much we love them. No matter how much—”

A sob fell from her lips as her words choked off, and the sound broke his heart.

He turned and took her into his arms, pressing her tightly against him as she began to cry softly. For him. For both of their losses. He buried his face in her hair to take comfort in her, to breathe in her strength and certainty. To grieve together. As he held her, tears stung in his eyes, and for the first time since his father’s death, he released the blame he’d carried inside him.

He exhaled a jerking, anguish-filled breath as he finished for her in a rasping whisper, “No matter how much they love us.”

She nodded, unable to speak as she cupped his face in her hands and rose up on tiptoe to kiss away the tears on his cheeks. Then she kissed his lips with such tenderness that he felt the first stirrings of healing deep within his heart. Slowly, the pain eased away until there was only Mariah.

As he lifted her into his arms and carried her back to the bed, he knew he’d been wrong. He had found absolution in her arms, and he prayed that she could help him find redemption in the days to come. But more than that. As he lowered her onto the bed and followed down to make love to her, he knew the truth.

Mariah had undone him.

He’d never experienced such a connection with any other woman as he did with her. Physically, emotionally…never. Never had he shared such soul-wrenching release. And never had he bared his heart so vulnerably as he just had with her.