As She Fades(63)

“I’m sorry,” he said, before I could say anything.

I was about to ask “for what?” when he continued.

“Asking Isla out. I … I’d come in there wanting to see you and I had complete intentions of asking you to the party.”

“Oh, so you saw her and decided you’d rather take a date than a friend? I get it.”

He shook his head and muttered a curse. When he looked back at me, his eyes were dark. “Is that what we are, Vale? Friends? And you had a date already. I knew that.”

He knew I had a date with Crawford … oh. That might change things. I had gone out with Crawford. We had had dinner and seen a movie. It was a military movie. Not my thing, but I had never gotten to choose the movies. My thoughts had been on Slate all night anyway, no matter how hard I tried not to think about him.

“I don’t know” was the most honest reply I could give him.

He ran his hands through his hair and groaned in frustration. “Vale, I can’t play games with you. Tonight was a stupid game and it made me miserable. I hated it. I made sure Isla had a good time and got her home safe, but I didn’t touch her. I did that because she was your friend and she hadn’t asked to be a part of a stupid fucked-up game I was playing. But I wanted to be with you. I always want to be with you. But there’s Crawford. The love of your life. I can’t compete with that. I want to. But I can’t sit back and wait to see who you choose. I need to know now. Am I wasting my time waiting on you?”

Crawford was a huge part of my life. Asking me to cut that off now without giving us time was impossible. I owed Crawford more than that. From the time I was six I had pictured my future with Crawford.

“I can’t tell you that. I don’t know.”

Slate nodded and his intense eyes locked on me. “I didn’t think so. But I had to ask. Not sure I can be friends, Vale. I’m going to need my own time. Space. You understand?”

I did. My heart felt like it had been ripped out and thrown on the ground to be trampled, but I understood. He had to live his life while I figured out mine.

“Yes.”

Then he left. And as I watched him go, I was afraid I had lost something I would regret the rest of my life.





CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE

VALE

LATER THAT DAY, I sat quietly in Crawford’s car while he explained why he was disappointed that I had a weekend job. For starters, I would miss all his games. I hadn’t thought about that when I took the job. I just needed money.

He had been going on about the way I pulled away from him for over an hour. He was right. I was pulling away, and it wasn’t fair to him.

“We used to do everything together,” he said in a sulk.

“We used to do whatever you wanted to do.” I almost covered my mouth in shock that I’d said something like that to him.

He frowned and stared at me. “What?”

He really didn’t see it that way. All these years I had accepted the way things were with Crawford … comfortable with the way we were. He made the decisions and I went along with them. Until I woke up in the hospital and he didn’t show up for three days, that hadn’t dawned on me.

“I needed a good job that didn’t interfere with my classes and studying. All I have free is the weekends. So I took the job. I love my job. I didn’t realize your games were an issue. You don’t see me on game day, anyway, most of the time. Y’all travel. I can’t follow the team every Saturday. I can’t afford that, or expect my parents to pay for it.”

He sighed and shook his head. “You’re so different since you woke up.”

Seriously? That was what he got out of this conversation? That I was different. Not a “Yeah, you’re right” or an “I didn’t think of that.”

“Did you not hear what I just said?” I asked him.

“Sure, but you aren’t even considering my feelings.”

Oh my God.

“You’re right. I am different since the coma. I woke up and I felt different. I saw things differently. Maybe it was from the near-death experience, or maybe … maybe I dreamed of a different life.” I stopped. Where had that last bit come from?

“A different life?” he asked, looking at me, confused.

I paused. I wasn’t sure why I’d said that. But somehow it felt right. Like I had been asleep until that coma, and while I was fading, I was imagining the life I actually wanted. Although I remember nothing of that time. My memories were the car accident and then opening my eyes in the room to see my mother.

“Crawford, I’m not sure I can be who I was before. I want an opinion. I want my needs to be as important as yours.”

Crawford didn’t say anything, but he looked out the window toward the dorm where he had parked.

“I don’t want to lose you … to lose us,” he finally said.

“Then don’t.”

He finally turned to me again. “You’re different. It makes us different.”

Again, here we were—back to how I was affecting his life. Our plans had been to go to dinner and then to a party at a frat house where he was pledging. But I just wanted to go back to my room and study.

“Maybe we need time.” I wasn’t sure what he meant by that, but I nodded and reached for the door handle.