As Bright as Heaven(106)

And I was told by Dr. Bellfield that I needed to honor that request.

I did not go into the hospital the first day we woke to a morning where Alex was not a part of it. I might have stayed home today, too, but I know the Dabneys are bringing Alex in to see Ursula this afternoon. Perhaps the Dabneys will suddenly change their mind about my being there for that reunion. I don’t want to be twenty minutes away if that should happen. I want to be just down the hall or in the next room. What if Alex asks for me? What if he cries for me? I must be there.

? ? ?



I arrive at the asylum at the usual time and attend to my routine duties, but my thoughts are scattered. The other residents, the nurses, the orderlies, everyone who works at the hospital knows what has happened. They glance at me with questioning eyes, some clearly astounded and moved by my situation, others seemingly skeptical that I hadn’t known Ursula Novak existed before this and that I somehow arranged her stay here.

Dr. Bellfield looks for me fifteen minutes before the Dabneys are to arrive and tells me I am to avoid the entrance to the hospital, his office, and the main corridor.

“It’s important that you stay out of sight,” he said.

“You will keep an eye on Alex, too, won’t you?” I ask him, flinching a little at the sting of his words. “This has been very hard for him.”

“I know how much you care for this child. If I see anything amiss, I won’t ignore it. But, Miss Bright, this situation is going to be hard. For everyone. Surely you know that. An extended time of adjustment for everyone involved is to be expected.”

“He’s just a little boy,” I say, reining in my emotions.

“Yes, I know. But the law says he’s their little boy. That’s why it’s best you honor their request to stay away. I’m agreeing to this for him. Not for Ursula. Not for the Dabneys. And not for you.”

I had wanted to find a way to view the reunion from some hidden vantage point. But now that I know the meeting will take place in Dr. Bellfield’s office, I see that will be impossible. And while it hurts, I see Dr. Bellfield’s point. Even if Alex were to ask for me, it won’t help him to see me. It will only make it harder for him today than it was when the Dabneys came to the house for him. Perhaps I could find a way to listen in, though.

When Dr. Bellfield leaves me for the meeting, I hover at the door to the wards until I see through the glass that Ursula has been escorted to Dr. Bellfield’s office to wait for Alex to arrive. I make my way through the main lobby and then the corridor to the administrative wing, letting myself into a broom closet close to Dr. Bellfield’s office that I know is vented. I close the door quietly and get myself as close to the vent as I can, overturning a metal bucket so that I can stand on it and hopefully hear better. But when I finally hear the telltale sounds of multiple voices in Dr. Bellfield’s office, I can’t distinguish them. The venting garbles the words and the intonation. All I can hear is a deep voice, followed by a soft, feminine one, followed by one belonging to a young child. Dr. Bellfield. Ursula. Alex. But I can’t make out what they are saying. I hear slight laughter, happy tears, more voices, more laughter, more happy tears.

But I can’t hear the words. This moment is not mine. I don’t belong to it.

I don’t want to be in the closet anymore, struggling to make myself a part of what is happening in Dr. Bellfield’s office. I climb off the bucket, aware of fresh tears that threaten to fall, and open the door slightly to make sure no one will see me leave. I make my escape and look for a corner of the hospital where I don’t have to think about the fact that Alex is here and I can’t see him and everyone is telling him his name is Leo, but where is such a place? There is no place I can escape to where I will stop thinking about what is happening.

As I near the main entrance, I see Conrad at the reception desk, leaning over it and signing something. I am overcome with the desire to run to him and throw my arms around his neck and relive the memory of his kisses. I want him to soothe the burn of losing Alex, of being responsible for Ursula’s years of suffering and now Alex’s misery, of missing Mama, and of facing my existence alone. My feet are moving toward him and I don’t know what I will say; I only know I can’t walk past him and say nothing, not after what happened in the shed and what is happening right now.

He makes it easy for me by looking up as I approach. He smiles slightly, but it is a troubled, conflicted smile.

When I reach the desk, I look down at the document he is signing. Discharge papers. He’s taking Sybil out of the asylum. He pushes the document toward the nurse behind the desk.

“What are you doing?” I murmur.

“I’m taking Mrs. Reese home, Miss Bright,” he says cordially, for the nurse’s sake.

“But . . . but Sybil needs constant care. She will not get better.” My voice sounds strained. Childlike. The nurse looks up at me.

“Yes, I understand that. I’m going to be arranging for a live-in nurse,” Conrad says, and then he turns to the nurse. “If you could collect my wife and her things now, that would be most appreciated.”

“Certainly, Mr. Reese.” The nurse turns toward an orderly to give him instructions.

Conrad touches my arm and leads me away, around the back side of a nearby marble pillar that affords a modicum of privacy; at least it is out of the line of sight of the reception desk. “I can’t keep Sybil here,” he says. His eyes are pleading with me to understand. But I don’t want to.