Ariadne(51)

Of course, this was only the first quest of many and I soon found that Theseus was gone for great swathes of time. Whenever I waved him off from the harbour, I felt a great sense of relief flood my body, buckling me. Anyone watching might have thought I sank to the ground with the anguish of missing him or the worry that he would be killed. It was not so.

My relief was washed with guilt, always. Had the gods seen into my shallow little heart that night with Theseus and Ariadne? If you had cracked me open on those rocks and laid my soul bare, I could not deny the cringing little corner of it that had longed for my sister to vanish, that I might be alone with Theseus. Not like this, true, I never wished her harm. But my existence in Athens – freed from the nightmare of the Labyrinth, promised to the hero who had saved us all – was what I had dreamed of when I stared out over the sea at Knossos.

Was this my punishment? To live the reality of my dream and find out that its glittering beauty faded to nothing when I stepped close? As time took me further away from that night, I began to wonder – in the thrill of the moment, was it possible that I really had misheard Theseus? If I had listened more carefully, could I have been there at the right cove when they left? If so, I could have prevailed upon Ariadne to stay within the safety of the ship. She would have slept, warm and living, beside me and we would be in Athens together now. Try as I might, I could not picture it. Perhaps Artemis would have struck us both down.

I grieved for my sister still, but life in the Athenian court was full of diversions and in Theseus’ lengthy absences, I flourished as I had never done in Crete. I felt pangs of longing sometimes for my mother – whenever any visitor came to our shores who might have news of my lost home, I pounced upon them and so I learned that Minos remained lost, Deucalion’s rule remained moderate and Pasiphae was always in her herb garden, seemingly at peace. As I grew older, I studied the elders and paid careful attention to how a city was run when it was not governed by fear and teeth and blood. When Theseus came back, I gave a fair impression of someone held captivated by his grandiose tales. Oh, they were rollicking yarns crammed full of adventure and excitement, but I grew so weary of hearing how faultless he was – always one step ahead of the enemy, stronger than all and triumphant to the last. Still, I knew that it would never be long before the siren call of glory enticed him back to the seas again and Athens would be mine once more.

Mine to do what with, I wasn’t sure. A princess was a princess, wherever she was, and in Athens, like Crete, the pastimes available seemed limited to weaving, dancing and smiling at men. It was Ariadne who had danced, not me. I had watched her flinging herself into the steps, losing herself in their magic, and declared myself uninterested in learning. I knew that I would never move like my sister, that I would never possess her grace. Weaving, meanwhile, was something we had done together. It pierced my heart to stand before the loom in the empty chamber in Athens and pass the dreary hours spinning a story in cloth without her there.

So, that just left smiling.

It wasn’t long before my steps turned irresistibly towards the lure of the busy hall in which the business of the palace was conducted. Eyebrows were raised the first time I walked in, and I felt the gaze of the elite men of Athens rest questioningly on me. I summoned that royal smile, the brightest I could, and stepped forward. ‘I hoped to sit with you this morning,’ I said. I directed my words to Pandion, a kindly middle-aged man in whom I knew Theseus placed his trust.

‘That is not really the custom of Athens,’ he said mildly.

The thought flashed across the others’ faces, as unmistakeable as lightning. This is Athens, a civilised place. Whatever goings-on occurred in Crete, it is different here. I straightened my shoulders. ‘If Theseus were here, he would take his place among you,’ I said sweetly, ‘but he fights great battles over the seas to bring peace and justice to the world in the name of Athens. And whilst he fights them, he leaves me here with no guide to this new city. I know that he wants me to learn how a fair and righteous kingdom is run. Besides . . .’ I hesitated, taking heart from the fact that they listened to me, that I hadn’t been laughed out of the hall, or worse, already. ‘Besides, I have only known my father’s way of government; I want to know a better way.’ I held my breath. They might take it as monstrous impudence, but I bargained on them feeling flattered and forgiving me for my greatly uncivilised ways, considering where I had come from.

A smile spread almost reluctantly across Pandion’s face and at his lead, a low murmur of assent spread around the room. ‘Princess, I hope you will not find our duties tedious,’ he said.

I nearly laughed aloud. I loved that I could manipulate these dignified and important men, and in the folds of my dress my fist curled in triumph as Pandion gestured to me to take the smaller throne, the one that sat empty next to Theseus’ towering one.

‘We were speaking of reports we have had from Laurion, the hills to the south,’ Pandion resumed. ‘Silver has been discovered there, and perhaps there is more to be mined.’

I leaned forward, eager to hear it all. Now, I had no power, it was true. But I listened; where Theseus would slouch and stare and make excuses to leave, I sat bolt upright and paid attention. I did not speak a word out loud; I did not want them to think me too bold. But slowly I grew more and more adept at whispering in the right ears at the right time and I found that I could make them believe I spoke for my intended husband whilst he was away. It grated on my nerves that they cared for my words only because they thought they came from my husband. Sometimes I could see how their eyes skated across my body, how insignificant they thought my mind was. But even if they imagined that I was merely a decorative conduit for Theseus’ words, for the first time in my life the men who wielded the power stopped courteously to let me talk. I swallowed my frustration and used it to the best of my advantage.