Angel's Rest(76)

A pager’s beep sounded from the doctor’s lab coat pocket. She checked the message, then said, “I’ve got to go. Nic, I’ll see you in two weeks. You be careful on those crutches, you hear?”

“I will, Liz. Thanks.”

Silence descended on the hospital room in the doctor’s wake. Nic plucked at a loose thread on the blanket on the bed while Gabe stuck his hands in his pockets, rocked on his heels, and tried to come up with something to say.

Finally Nic blew out a heavy breath and said, “This is awkward, isn’t it? Gabe, I’m not going to say I’m sorry, because that would be like wishing away the existence of one of my children. I will say I’m sorry you learned about it this way. I seem to have fallen into a habit of shocking you.”

“Life around you is certainly not boring.”

“That probably won’t change anytime soon.” She stared down at the sonogram images that her doctor had given her. “Twins. I’m having a hard time wrapping my mind around it.”

He could definitely relate to that. He looked away from both her and the photos and cleared his throat. “The good thing is we have some time to get used to it.”

Which meant he didn’t have to think about it anymore right now. He really, really didn’t want to think about it anymore right now.

“So there’s probably paperwork that needs to be signed so you can get sprung.” He escaped toward the door, saying, “Let me see if I can do anything to speed it up.”

An hour later, they were on the road headed for Eternity Springs. Like the last time they’d made the drive from Gunnison, the mood between them was tense rather than relaxed, their conversation stilted rather than easy—absolutely not what Gabe had hoped for in the aftermath of their trip to California. When Nic fell asleep twenty minutes into the ride, Gabe breathed a little easier. Unfortunately, he also started thinking.

Today’s events had definitely changed his plans.

He had returned to Eternity Springs with a strategy in mind for managing this marriage. He’d decided to remain at Eagle’s Way until he found a place closer to town to buy. He figured he’d ask Nic out to dinner, spend time with her at town events, take things slow.

Gabe had done a lot of soul-searching during his weeks away from Nic. Intellectually, he understood that he wasn’t cheating on Jennifer by having sex with another woman. Emotionally, he wasn’t there yet.

The accident had complicated the mourning process; sex and guilt were interwoven in his brain. It was life and death and responsibility for death, for Jen’s death. How could he enjoy sex—one of life’s best gifts—when his wife lay in her grave and he was the one who’d put her there?

He’d thought about Nic and the marriage a lot while he’d been gone. The trip to California had been an eye-opener for him. His wife was smart, definitely sexy, and fun to be with. He admired her loyalty, her enthusiasm, and her determination. In another time, another life, he could have fallen for her.

That, in a nutshell, was the problem. While he could envision a time when the physiology of basic human drives might overcome his reluctance to engage in sex, he was dead solid certain he’d never again open his heart to love.

And Nic deserved to be loved.

He glanced over at her. Even in sleep, the strains of the day showed on her face. She probably still had a headache, and he knew her leg was hurting. She’d refused to take any more than the mildest of painkillers and even then had to be reassured multiple times that they posed no threat to the babies.

Babies. Jesus.

Now he had three people whose lives he could screw up.

He couldn’t love Nic. He couldn’t love those babies. He thought Nic’s issues with her own father skewed her thinking about what was best for the children she carried. She’d have been better off showing him the door and finding a guy who could give her the love she deserved, who would love her little ones like his own. Nic would have been better off looking elsewhere for a dad for her children, a husband with whom to create a family. Nevertheless, she hadn’t, and it was a waste of time to look backward now.

Looking backward was a bad idea all around. That’s why he resisted Pam’s suggestion that he see a shrink. He had no desire to lie on a doctor’s couch and babble about the losses in his past. He had no desire to tear down the walls that he’d spent a lifetime constructing. Been there, done that, and look where it had gotten him—on his knees in the snow on a mountain a twitch away from eating his gun. He’d let Jennifer breach the walls around his heart. He couldn’t, wouldn’t go there again with Nic.