An Act of Persuasion(15)

“We didn’t exactly do a lot of talking that night.”

He seemed at a loss. “I should have protected you.”

“I should have protected myself. It happened.”

He stared at his feet, avoiding her eyes for his next question. “Did you ever consider having an—”

“Nope,” she said quickly, not even wanting to hear him say the word. She didn’t imagine he was happy about this pregnancy, but she couldn’t stand the thought that he might have wanted her to end it. “My body. My decision. Not your call.”

“No, no...I mean, I’m glad. I wouldn’t have wanted that. It’s not something I could ever see you doing. Hell, you got emotionally attached to the spiders living in my house.”

She smiled and couldn’t stop the rush of warmth that went to her heart knowing even if she had given him the choice, he wouldn’t have wanted to end the pregnancy. Then she crushed that warm, gooey feeling. She needed to remind herself constantly that this would not end with some happily ever after moment.

“And for me... While I never considered being a father, this is my only chance.”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

He crossed his arms over his chest. “I’m sterile. The doctors told me it was a possibility with the heavier dosage of chemo I was subjected to. Before I left the hospital I had them test to be sure and they confirmed it.”

Oh.

She hadn’t thought of that. Naturally she had talked with her OB/GYN about the fact that Ben had gone through chemo prior to them having sex and what, if any, repercussions that might have on her child. While there are some concerns on the impact to the sperm and the possible structural change of the chromosomes, the data so far had not shown any increase in defects normally associated with pregnancy. Which meant her risks were the same as any other woman’s.

However, thinking back on that appointment, the doctor had mentioned how lucky she was. Anna now knew what the doctor had meant. Chemo could not only potentially alter sperm, it could also kill it. Ben’s swimmers had apparently survived his first round of treatment, but no such luck the second time. Talk about timing.

“Wow.” The weight of the responsibility she carried was suddenly much heavier.

He sat next to her on the couch, close but not touching. “At the time it didn’t bother me. I mean, I was convinced I wasn’t going to marry or be a parent. That wasn’t my plan for my life. But now I’m thinking what happened might have been a miracle. That’s selfish, I know.”

It was, but it was understandable. She’d been his last shot. Literally. In a way, it thrilled her to know she’d given him something no other woman would ever be able to give him. It meant she would always be important to him, always be connected to him. At least in that way.

“So you’re...happy about this?”

He took her hand and held it. “Anna, I’m not just happy, I’m ecstatic. I’m worried and nervous about my abilities to parent a child, but I—I don’t know how to say it really. I’ve never felt this way. Like suddenly I’m completely and totally attached to that baby growing inside you.”

His words should have made her happy. It was a good thing he was excited for this baby. She was excited for this baby. But all she could think about was how he had never once felt that way about her. They were attached to the growing life inside of her, but not to each other. There was something tragic about that.

She swallowed her self-pity and nodded. She needed to put aside her feelings and think only about the baby. It was good he felt attached. This meant he would be involved with the baby and that was important for the child. A child needed parents who loved and wanted it. Nobody understood that more than Anna. After being abandoned by her mother at age six, she’d spent the rest of her life not really mattering to anyone.

Until she met Ben. As his assistant, she had mattered. Then as his caregiver, she had mattered. Now as the mother of his only child, she really mattered.

Too bad she didn’t matter to him in the way she wanted to.

“Okay. So I guess you’ll want to do a visitation thing. We can talk about that. I mean, maybe not in the first few months because I’ll be breast feeding, but after—”

“Stop,” he said squeezing her hand. “What do you mean?”

“I mean if you’re happy about this, I’m assuming you’re going to want to see the baby, be part of his or her life.” She could see he was genuinely confused.