Always Never Yours(15)

Today, we’ve taken a leisurely stroll to the second-floor bathroom. The only other girl in here leaves, and from outside the stall I hear Madeleine clear her throat. “Can I talk to you about something?” she asks, her voice unusually shy.

I’m mid-pee. “Uh.” I fumble for the toilet paper. “Yeah.”

“It’s about Tyler and . . . sex,” she says haltingly.

“I . . .” I can hardly restrain my laughter. “I might need a moment, Madeleine. To pull my pants up.”

“Right. Of course.” I practically hear her blush.

Once I’ve opened the stall door and stepped up to the sink, I turn to her. “Okay, hit me.”

Her face grows brighter. “Tyler’s planning something for this weekend. He wouldn’t tell me what. But I’m getting, you know, that vibe from him.” Her freckles have disappeared under the red in her cheeks.

I nod sagely. “The vibe.” I wait for Madeleine to elaborate, but when she doesn’t, I search her uncertain expression. “You’ve gotten the vibe before, though, right?”

“That’s kind of the problem,” she says quietly.

“Wait.” I turn off the faucet as it dawns on me. “You two haven’t had sex yet?”

“We’ve done other things,” Madeleine rushes to say, like I’ve accused her of a crime. “And there’s been a couple times when it seemed like he wanted more, but no, we haven’t done it yet. I wanted to . . .”

She looks at me expectantly. I wait blankly for her to continue before I realize what she’s saying.

“You haven’t had sex because of me?” I splutter. She’s just staring at me, growing redder. “You know,” I continue more gently, “you don’t need my permission to have sex with your own boyfriend.”

“But it’s a little weird. The last person Tyler had sex with is you,” she points out.

“Don’t think about that.” I lay a hand on her arm. “Really, it doesn’t bother me.”

“I’m glad, but it’s not that. . . . Well, it’s not only that.” She looks into the mirror, avoiding my eyes. “I just sometimes feel a little intimidated.”

I raise my eyebrows. “Intimidated? Tyler can get the job done, but he’s nothing to be intimidated by.”

Madeleine gives me half a smile. “Watch it, that’s my boyfriend you’re talking about.” But her voice drops when she continues. “No, it’s not Tyler I’m intimidated by . . .”

I wait, uncomprehending. What she’s suggesting—it’s, well, it’s crazy. “By me?” I get out. The idea that Madeleine, with her striking auburn hair and green eyes and her fairy-tale romance, could ever be intimidated by someone like me is laughable. It’s not like the times Tyler and I did it were anything but a couple of virgins figuring things out together. It’s a proven law of the universe that I’m not the girl who guys remember.

“Well, yeah,” she says with a shrug. “What you and Tyler had, it was spontaneous, exciting, romantic. You were the kind of couple everyone watched. You burned bright—”

“And burned out,” I interject.

“When you were together, what you had was passionate,” Madeleine argues, sounding a little desperate. “I’m just afraid that after you, I won’t be enough.”

“Madeleine.” I grab her hand and force her to look at me. “Tyler’s into you now. You’re just building this up.”

“I hope.” She still looks unconvinced. “But you and Tyler were each other’s firsts. I can’t compete with that.”

“Firsts? What does that matter?” It’s not like I chose Tyler to be my first because I thought he’d be “the one.” I just knew I felt something with him I hadn’t with boyfriends before. I liked Tyler, and I guess I knew I could fall in love with him. I wanted to be closer to him. I’d hardly believed I’d found my soulmate—at Stillmont High, no less—but I wanted the physical aspects of the relationship. There’s something about having that emotional connection made physical, the romantic rendered real, that’s unique and impossibly enticing. Even though I knew the relationship would end, I felt in those moments of togetherness I could finally step out of the wings and into the center of our stage.

But none of that has to do with Tyler’s position in the line of boyfriends with whom I’ll one day have sex. He was my first because he was special—not special because he was my first.

“There’s nothing extraordinary about Tyler being my first. Trust me,” I tell Madeleine.

“Not to you, maybe,” she says, looking at the floor.

But to Tyler? I’m caught off guard. If it had meant that much to him, we wouldn’t have broken up. But I’m not going to tell Madeleine that. Still, some smaller voice in me wonders why Madeleine would believe otherwise unless Tyler said something.

The bell rings, and it takes me a second to realize we’ve somehow used up the entire passing period. Madeleine looks panicked—I’m certain she’s never been late to class ever. I’d have to laugh if I weren’t still reeling from what she just said.

But I don’t want her to leave worried about my history with Tyler. “You and Tyler are perfect for each other, and you’re going to have a perfect first time,” I manage as Madeleine hurries to pick up her bag. “Speaking as the former authority on Tyler Dunning’s sex life,” I go on jokingly, “I have all the confidence in the world that you’ll blow his mind.”