Acts of Violet(7)
Gesturing to the pot of chili, Gabriel says, “Now can we eat dinner like a family who likes each other?”
At the table, he and Quinn are too busy talking true crime shows to notice I’m not saying or eating much. They chatter on about which dramatizations they’re most excited about: Versace, Tupac and Biggie Smalls, or Waco. I wonder how many similar conversations are going on elsewhere and how many are including the Violet miniseries. Does her case count as true crime if we don’t know what happened?
Over the years, I’ve had family members of other missing people reach out to me. It’s a club nobody wants to be part of, and you don’t get a choice whether you join. Sometimes it was comforting to hear from other people forced to live in this limbo; most of the time it made me feel like I wasn’t sad or desperate enough to find Violet. That’s the accusation I’ve gotten more than any other, from the press, from the Wolf Pack, from this town, even from my own daughter. How much am I supposed to put on hold for this search, and how do I stop feeling like an asshole for trying to get on with my life? Not to mention, how long and hard should I look for someone who might not want to be found? Nearly ten years later, the questions still linger.
They call themselves survivors, the loved ones of those who went missing. But that’s not what I am, not really. I wish there was a special word for those of us living with ambiguous loss. There isn’t a language that feels right, a sensical way to parse out and assign definitions to the thoughts and emotions. Usually, I don’t think of myself as surviving anything. Usually, I see myself as someone who was left behind.
All this criticism over the last decade about how I wasn’t doing enough to find Violet, how I wasn’t grieving her loss correctly, and not once has anyone ever pointed out that I’m still here. Ten years I’ve remained in the same house, kept the same phone number. Ten years I’ve held my tongue.
Tonight, it’s easy being quiet.
Tomorrow, it might not be so easy.
There’s only so long I’ll be able to remain silent.
Violet thrived on secrecy; it was the fuel that made her engine run. Her entire sense of self was built on making others believe she possessed hidden knowledge and abilities.
I’m not built the same way. Keeping Violet’s secrets has been like living with a bomb planted inside me.
Tick-tock, tick-tock.
One of these days, it’s going to detonate, and it won’t be pretty.
* * *
Date: January 10, 2018, at 7:42 AM
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Sasha
* * *
Cameron,
Okay numbers on the Strange Exits teaser so far but it would’ve been nice to include a sound bite from the sister.
Where are we with the Dwyer interview?
—TW
Tobin Woods
Editorial Director & Cofounder
Sidecar Studios
* * *
Date: January 10, 2018, at 10:01 AM
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Sasha
* * *
I’d say the teaser is doing better than okay. We’ve gotten 20K new Exits subs in the last forty-eight hours, without the Sasha sound bite. Look at all the chatter around that EnWhen piece. Could be better to have people wondering will she/won’t she instead of announcing her participation outright. We can hook listeners with the big mystery of Violet but tease them with the smaller mystery of her sister to keep them on the line.
The Sasha interview is coming. I’ve been in regular contact with her, and she’s interested but has a lot going on right now. She’s swamped with vigil prep—Willow Glen is expecting more visitors than ever for the ten-year, and she does a lot behind the scenes. We may be looking at a postvigil interview.
Guaranteed, Strange Exits will be one of the biggest shows you’ve ever had, with or without Sasha.
—CF
* * *
Date: January 10, 2018, at 10:04 AM
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: Sasha
* * *
The reason you were hired over more experienced podcasters was because you claimed being local to the area gave you deeper insight into the case and better access to Violet’s associates and family, particularly her sister. Yes, the show is guaranteed to be a success with or without Sasha, but your future with Sidecar is not guaranteed if you don’t deliver on what you promised.
—TW
* * *
Date: January 10, 2018, at 11:02 AM
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Attn: Sasha Dwyer-PLEASE READ
* * *
Dear Sasha,
I don’t know if you’ve received any of my prior emails. If you did, but chose to ignore them, fair enough. I hope you won’t ignore this one.
I’m a podcast producer and host, currently working with Sidecar Studios, an up-and-coming audio media network in the United States. The podcast I’m developing, Strange Exits, focuses on mysterious deaths and disappearances, as its title suggests. The first season, “Vanishing Violet,” is about … well, by now, you can probably guess.