Accidentally Engaged(87)
It stung to lose the opportunity for the Asler Institute scholarship. It was another loss to add to the pile. Like her career. And finding this amazing connection with someone, then watching it walk away. But even with all that loss, she still felt confident she would be okay.
She looked at Nadim. She’d been convinced that he was the only reason she was coping with unemployment this time. But maybe that wasn’t true. Yes, Nadim had been there—but that’s because she’d let him in. She’d trusted a man she didn’t know, one her parents had set her up with no less, to support her when she knew she needed it. And when Nadim wasn’t in her life anymore, she’d relied on other support. Her friends, and (shudder) even her family. She was no longer paralyzed with anxiety about her inability to cope with life. She could cope. She did. She didn’t actually need him.
She did still want him, though.
Just minutes ago, they agreed on honesty. She knew his past now, the very things he hadn’t wanted her to know. She could no longer keep the truths she’d hidden from him.
As they moved to the table with their sandwiches and sat side-by-side, Reena took a deep breath. Now was as good a time as ever.
“It’s true, what I said.”
“Hm?”
“That I’m okay, I meant it. And that’s actually a bit of a surprise.” She tried to smile. “This last week, since Sunday, it’s been hard on me. But…I was strong. I was okay.”
He smiled with such fondness that she thought she might let out a tear or two. Or twenty. She was so sad he was leaving. But she was okay.
He touched her cheek. “I don’t know if I should be upset that you were okay about it all, because I was miserable, but Reena, you are strong,” he said.
“That’s just it. I was hiding this from you, but I’m not strong. I’m kind of a wreck.” She paused. “I’ve been in really dark places before. Several times. The last time was when I lost my job a couple of years ago, I stopped doing…anything. I barely left the house for weeks. I drank a lot. Other times before that I didn’t drink so much, but I just felt…dead inside. Like I didn’t know how to feel anything anymore. They’re depressive episodes. I’ve been on meds before, but haven’t been on them for a while.”
His head tilted. “Reena, I’m sorry.”
“My sister has a diagnosed mental illness, too. But I always felt that my issues weren’t as important or as severe as hers. And, of course, mental illness isn’t exactly openly discussed in this culture. I get through the episodes, usually by keeping very busy. That’s why I started baking bread.”
“So you’re okay now?”
She shrugged. “I dunno. I feel okay, but who knows how I’ll be tomorrow or next week.” She left it unsaid that he was leaving next week. “I called my doctor today. I’m long overdue for a checkup, anyway. I’ve been pushing this under a rug, and I don’t want to do that anymore.”
He smiled softly and took her hand in his and squeezed. “See? Strong. I’m glad you told me.” He pulled her into a deep, hard hug, and she buried her face into his chest.
He leaned back to look at her and kissed her briefly. “I’m still sorry about the contest. I know how much you wanted that course. It would have been good for you.”
She linked her arms around his neck. “It’s fine. Honestly.” It had to be fine. The perfection of this goodbye, their honesty, she couldn’t risk souring it. The memories of the video shoots with him told her one thing loud and clear—she could not, she would not survive another one with this man. His heartfelt speeches about home, food, and belonging. His loving glances at her. The last video’s theme was supposed to be family celebrations. She couldn’t celebrate family with the man who would never be her family.
*
They had a long, lingering kiss in the hallway in the morning, and Reena finally felt bittersweet about this night. The unfair feeling that the moment couldn’t go on forever mingled with her gratitude for right now. He may not love her the way she loved him, but this meant something to him. Something huge.
“So…” she said, not sure how to leave it.
He laughed. “So, I wish I could stick around with you all day, but I have two meetings I can’t miss. I know it’s my last week of work, but—”
She smiled. “Go. Don’t piss off my dad.” She shoved him gently toward his apartment.
He took two steps backward into his unit. “Will we see each other again?”
She bit her lip. “I don’t…” She shook her head. “I don’t know if we should.” She smiled sadly as tears gathered in the corners of her eyes. She couldn’t spend the next few days with him without making the goodbye harder. “This has been perfect. Thank you,” she whispered.
He reached out and took her hand. Raising it to his lips, he skimmed the back of her hand with a ghost of a kiss. “No, Reena, thank you. Expect to hear from me soon from Dar es Salaam. Whether you want it or not, you have a new friend in Africa.” He let her go, smiled, and closed the door.
It was over.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
It seemed unlikely Reena would be able to manage much for the rest of the day but catch up on lost sleep, so she changed into her coziest sweats, brewed a large mug of coffee, and sat on the couch to think. She had made a big decision on the two steps between their goodbye kiss in the hallway and her apartment—no more searching for a finance job. She wasn’t sure what she would do instead, and she realized she would probably take a significant pay cut to start a new career, but she was done with taking the easier route, if that easy came with misery. Tomorrow she would call Abigail to talk to her about a career change. Maybe even look into classes to retrain in a new field. And she would talk to her parents about this. She had no intention of working with them, but she would take the support they would no doubt give—on her own terms. She pulled her computer onto her lap. It was time for research.