A Summer to Remember(10)
“It’s not that!” I exclaimed in an angry voice and wanted to snatch my arm from his grip but I was afraid I might tear the fragile material. “It just takes me back to college and Kevin. He once felt that way about me too until…well, everything went to hell in a hand basket. Don’t feel bad about loving your girlfriend. That is what you’re supposed to do. Just let me know when the wedding invitations are printed so I won’t be there to receive mine. I don’t think I could go through the whole ceremony without doing something stupid and embarrassing my family…you…and your bride-to-be.”
Paul’s crystal blue eyes stared into mine deeply and he shouldn’t have done that. My heart beat so fast, I could feel moisture gather in my most intimate areas and my sex was literally on fire. Everything about him turned me on but it wasn’t something I wanted because I was lonely. I wanted him and the situation didn’t seem right or fair we both couldn’t have what we craved and desired with such an overwhelming need.
However, I didn’t know if he really wanted me. Was he just saying this stuff to make me feel better and smooth over any unnecessary tension? He’d been a family friend for as long as I could remember and maybe he just thought of me as a “little sister” he had to protect as much as Jude.
“Um, who ever said anything about marriage?” he inquired politely. “Ashley is a great woman but I don’t know if I am cut out to be the marrying type. I like my freedom way too much and although she is perfect, I don’t think she is for me.”
“Then why are you still with her?” I yelled back.
“Because you’re unavailable,” he responded. “I’m not talking about what Jude and I have discussed about you or how he doesn't want me being with you because I am like a brother to him. I mean, emotionally, you’re not ready to handle anything and if I knew what Kevin truly did to you, I would murder him myself. It’s been two years and you have been a completely different person. You sleep with men you don’t give a shit about and you act like love and life don’t mean anything to you. Are you going to stand there and tell me this all goes back to what happened to you at Vassar?”
“It may not be pretty or politically correct but it’s the truth.” I took a step back from him and he naturally let go of my arm.
“Then open up to me and tell me what happened, please?”
I felt the hotness of tears which hadn’t fallen yet but they were on the verge of littering my face. “I can’t, Paul. God, I wish I could tell you but what happened at Vassar is a bit like goin’ to Vegas. It stays there. If I open all that shit up and let it spew from my lips, I don’t think I will ever recover and whether you realize it or not, I am barely holding on at the moment.”
He stepped forward before he took me in his arms and my own snaked their way around his neck. I needed a hard body against me, if only to settle me and make me feel like everything was going to be okay. I buried my face in his chest and cried my eyes out until there was nothing left and afterwards, my body felt relaxed but my mind was still as clouded and confused as ever.
I couldn’t think straight and didn’t give a damn about the implications of my actions because I did pretty much what ever on instinct and nothing else. My lips searched for his own and when they connected, it was magic from the moment it began.
My face heated up and I knew I was a deep crimson but I didn’t care. My eyes shut tight and I kissed him, hard. He eventually began to respond as soon as the surprised look on his face ended and when his tongue sought mine out, I opened my mouth to him. It struck me as ironic I hadn’t truly been this intimate with another man or allowed anyone to see the real me since Kevin.
This wasn’t a mere kiss of passion and longing; this was over fourteen years of pent up longing and aggression which had forced its way to the surface. I had liked him as more than a friend since I was ten and he was going on fourteen. I didn’t even know what hormones were at that age but I knew something about him made me feel all gooey and relaxed inside. He eased away my pain like no other and although it was wrong and there was a perfect young woman named Ashley out there he belonged to, for that one hot moment, he was mine, and we both felt it with every fiber of our beings.
I pulled away reluctantly before I kissed him gently again. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. You’re too good of a man and a human being to confess to cheating—emotionally or otherwise—with someone else. Especially me.”