A Stranger at Castonbury(57)
I cared for nothing at all when you were gone. I felt cold, removed, and it didn’t matter what happened or what I did. I infiltrated a group opposed to the king in order to send their plans to the British government. I came to believe what I did was painful but necessary for the security of Europe after Napoleon, and as I did not care if I lived or died it seemed best I was the one to do this rather than a man with a wife. When I was discovered, there was a fight and I was wounded, as you can see now.
It was soon after that my brother Harry found me and I heard what had really happened at Castonbury while I was gone—the financial troubles, the scandal, father’s health. I had abandoned them when they needed me the most, and only then did I feel the full weight of my mistakes. I can only try and make it right now, for all of us.
And that is why I truly cannot bring myself to hate Alicia Walters. I have done things as terrible as she has, and yet here I have another chance with my family.
If you can, please meet me tomorrow. I will send you word on where and when. I must see you and talk to you more. J.
Catalina closed her eyes and clutched the note tightly in her hand. How Jamie must have hurt, so ill, so far from home! And she had not been there to comfort him. She still could not, not really. She feared he wouldn’t accept any comfort she could give anyway. So much had happened while they were parted, so much that she didn’t know. If they were to be together again, they would have to find a way past that, and she wasn’t sure that was even possible any longer.
Yet still there was that temptation to meet him, to run to him. She urged prudence on Lydia, but it seemed she had none herself. She never had, not when it came to Jamie.
Catalina went to the window and looked down at the small garden below. It was much quieter there than in the grand front gardens. No one rushed around getting ready for the party tonight. But the peaceful scene brought no quiet to her own heart.
‘Oh, Jamie,’ she whispered. ‘Why do you do this to me?’
Why did he make it so very hard to do what she knew she had to do?
* * *
‘...though you have ever had my heart, yet now I find I love you more because I bring you less!’
As Lydia swooned back in the leading man’s arms for the final time, everyone applauded and cheered enthusiastically.
Catalina couldn’t help but smile at Lydia’s glowing face as the girl took her bow. The Chinese lanterns strung around the stage added an otherworldly glow to the late evening. The grey skies had miraculously lifted before the play began and now the sunset was bright pink with gold streaks along the edge of the horizon. More lights were strung in the trees, and the guests were seated in rows of white and gold chairs on the grass. Everyone from the family and local gentry to the estate tenants and villagers were dressed in their finest and everyone was laughing and having a fine time.
It made Catalina’s heart feel lighter to see it. Castonbury was its own small world, and a happier one now that Jamie was home and there was a wedding to look forward to. It was a perfect warm summer evening, a moment of brightness after the gloom of years.
Catalina glanced over her shoulder to where Jamie sat with his father on the back row of chairs. The duke’s armchair had been brought out for him, and after much complaining and threatening to leave early, he had been wrapped in shawls and persuaded to stay. Even he looked happy as he clapped for the play, and leaned over to say something to Jamie.
Jamie shook his head and gave that crooked half-smile of his. As he said something in reply to his father, he caught her looking at him and actually gave her a wink.
Catalina spun back around to face the stage and tried not to laugh. It was a strange night indeed.
The actors took their last bows and yielded the stage to the musicians who were to play for the evening’s dancing. As they tuned up, footmen hurried out to take up the chairs and everyone lined up along the refreshment tables. Lily and Giles themselves were handing out glasses of punch and accepting best wishes.
Catalina had been told such a gathering was a tradition at Castonbury, a time for everyone around the estate to gather and celebrate a marriage. But it had not been held in many years, not since the duke had married his late duchess.
‘It will be a joyous day indeed when Lord Hatherton and his bride have their own party,’ Mrs Stratton had said. ‘Castonbury will be truly back to itself then.’
Lord Hatherton. It had been so easy to forget who Jamie was when he held her in his arms in that rough little cottage as the rain fell around them. But here, with all the weight and tradition of Castonbury around them, with all the people who expected so much of their heir, she was reminded.