A Nordic King(47)

I’m not sure what comes over me.

Panic has me by the throat.

Tears start to blur my vision.

Aksel will be so angry, anger that will get directed at me for not supervising them. But more than that, the girls will be crushed and he will drown with guilt. None of this is his fault but I’ve seen how protective he is over them, I’ve seen how he harbors this sadness over Helena. I know he was in the car with her when she died—maybe he feels responsible.

Either way, I can’t fail. I can’t let them down. I can’t fuck up again. I’m so invested in him, so invested in the girls, I can’t lose them. And if I lose him, I feel like I’ll lose everything.

For the first time in my twenty-six years, I feel like I’m actually living a life I love. For the first time, I have everything to lose.

“Snarf Snarf!” I yell, my tears freezing on my face. I’m fully aware of how ridiculous I sound yelling that name into the wind but I can’t help it. I continue to stumble along in the slippery snow, now running out of the park and to the promenade along the waterfront. The opera house is shining across the water, probably filled with music and joy and tuxedos and all I can feel is the kind of terror that makes your heart sink so low in your chest you don’t think it will ever rise again.

Please let me find him, please let him be okay.

“Aurora!”

Aksel’s voice booms across the park and I turn to see him jogging toward me.

“I can’t find him,” I cry out. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”

He stops in front of me, skidding in the snow. He’s wearing pajama pants tucked into boots, and a coat, with another coat in his arms. His eyes are wild, shining in the waning light of the lampposts.

“For helvede,” he swears, putting the coat over my shoulders. “Aurora, what are you doing? You’ve gone mad.”

His hand goes to my cheek and he winces. I barely feel it. You’d think that for the first time he’s touched me in such an intimate way that my body would be dancing with fire, but I can’t feel anything at all. “You’re frozen,” he practically growls at me. “I’m getting you inside.”

“No,” I cry out. “I have to find him.”

“Aurora, I need to get you inside.”

His arms go around my shoulders and he tries to push me toward the palace.

“The girls…” I sob, looking around me, trying in vain to spot him. “They’ll die if he dies. I can’t see them like that. I can’t have them go through that.”

“They’ll understand.”

“They won’t!” I yell at him. “And you’ll blame me!”

He flinches like I’ve slapped him across the face. “Blame you?”

I take the moment to rip out of his grasp and start running along the water, calling for Snarf Snarf over and over again.

Then my foot hits an icy patch of snow and I go sliding forward, trying to catch my balance and falling anyway. My knees crash into the pavement and I yelp, pain shooting through me, making me crumble until my cheek is pressed into the snow.

I’m full-on crying now, everything coming out of me, things that were lying dormant, things I didn’t know still existed. I’m in pain and I’m cold and I feel like I’ve finally found my place in the world, only to realize how temporary it really is.

I finally have a family and they aren’t mine to keep.

I’m crying so hard I barely realize that Aksel is behind me, his warmth coating me like a shroud, pulling me to my feet. I’m both aware that he’s a king and he’s out in public like this and at the same time I’m torn by grief I’d never recognized. Grieving for a loss that hasn’t happened yet.

And just like that, all the energy is drained out of me, like rapidly thawing snow. I collapse back against Aksel and he scoops me up into his arms. I have just enough strength to bury my face into the crook of his neck, trying to hide from everything, trying to breathe.

I hear his heartbeat.

I feel his hot breath on my skin.

I feel the strength of his muscles as they hold me up, protecting me.

It’s the only time I’ve felt protected before. The only time I’ve ever felt safe.

I try and hang onto that feeling as the cold comes for me, again and again, tempered by numbness.

Then the snow stops hitting my cheek and there are bright lights and squeaking floors.

We go up the stairs and Aksel is barking at someone to move the chair to the fireplace.

He gently places me in the chair and I’m swaddled with blanket upon blanket, the fire roaring in front of me.

Then he leaves.

I see Karla’s face peering at me as she tucks the blanket in around my chin, my world slowly rocking back into place. I want to run after him, I want to help, I don’t want to be here, numb and useless. But I have no energy to move. I feel like everything I have is going toward keeping me alive, even though I’d give it all to run out the door and back into the snow.

“Go to your room,” Maja’s voice comes through, dancing with the flames. I manage to raise my head to see her standing behind Clara and Freja who are off to the side of me, looking stunned.

Karla says something about warm soup and disappears.

My eyes meet Clara’s and I wish I could tell her how sorry I am that I came back empty-handed. But she looks more concerned for me than anything else.