A Nantucket Wedding(77)
Noah frowned. “Why would you do that?”
“Why would I take a job?” Felicity was so proud of herself, so happy, she nearly bounced. “Because that way I can help you, Noah! That means you won’t have to worry about almost two thousand dollars a month—that’s twenty-four thousand dollars a year you can invest in your company!”
“Oh, Felicity,” Noah said. Rising, he went to the window and looked out, keeping his back to her.
She waited quietly. She waited for him to thank her.
Finally, her husband turned to face her. “Felicity,” Noah said, “twenty-four thousand dollars a year is nothing.”
It was like being hit in the chest. “What?” Felicity stood up. “It most certainly is something! It means groceries and the mortgage paid and clothes for the children and—”
“Oh, Felicity.” Noah crossed the room and took his wife in his arms. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to insult you, of course it’s something, and I’m amazed that you would do this, that you would try to help me…” His voice broke.
Felicity pulled herself away from his embrace. She needed to see his face. And yes, Noah had tears in his eyes. Her heart dropped. Had he already slept with Ingrid? Something had changed.
“Felicity, for what I’m trying to do, for Green Food, that amount of money is a pittance. I need money in the hundreds of thousands. I need millions.”
“Oh.” She felt like a fool. The truth was, she’d never paid attention to anything he’d said about the cost of building his company. She’d been overwhelmed with trying to get Alice to relinquish her pacifier and toilet-training Luke. She’d been paying close attention to the household allowance Noah gave her, and checking out online recipes for one more thing to make with chickpeas and tofu. “I didn’t realize,” she said finally. “I’m sorry.”
Noah dropped his arms and turned away. “No, I’m the one who should be sorry. I was so certain of my idea—and I still am, I believe it will happen—but it’s taking longer, it’s more complicated, than I expected. I was thinking months. Now I’m thinking years for development and testing.”
“I see.” Felicity did see—Noah’s shoulders were shaking. Was he crying?
Gently, she put her hand on his back. “Well, you’ve got years. We’ve got years.”
Noah shook his head. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a handkerchief and nosily blew his nose. “I’m so afraid, Felicity. I’m terrified of failing. Every day I live with the fear of failure, and I know I’ll never be able to give you and the kids a really nice house, I’ll never be able to take you all on a vacation to Disneyland. I’m sorry Mark is dead, but I’m glad he’ll never see what a failure I am. I don’t have a secure job like Scott, and Jane makes as much money as he does and they don’t have to spend it on child care.”
“Noah, you told me it will be a long process, getting Green Food—”
“I didn’t get the NIH grants.”
“Ah. I see. Well, I’m sorry, Noah. But you’ll get other grants.”
“Will I?”
“Of course! If you didn’t get those grants from NIH, that wasn’t because you don’t have a brilliant idea—you do!—it was because so many other scientists have applied for a bunch of other things. Science is competitive. Everyone wants to invent cheap fuel and cures for diseases. You know that, you told me that.”
Noah pinched the bridge of his nose and took a long breath. “I could use a drink.”
“Wine?”
“Scotch.”
Felicity saw how red Noah’s face had gotten, and how shiny it was with tears. She went through to the dining room and reached to the top cupboard in their cabinet, the one too high for Luke to reach even if he stood on a chair. Taking down the Glenfiddich, she poured the golden liquid into a cut glass tumbler—a wedding present, part of a set they seldom used. After a moment’s thought, she poured herself a bit as well. She returned to the living room and handed the drink to Noah.
“Thanks.” Noah had regained his composure. His voice was under control. Almost cold. He tossed back the drink. “Look. I don’t want to worry you. We’re not in danger of folding yet. But we’re not ready to move on to the next step, either.”
“I see.” Felicity sank into a chair across from him. “I get it.”
“Then you get why I hate being around David Gladstone and his crew, with their summer house and their boats and their preposterously ostentatious wedding. It makes me feel small and hopeless in comparison.”
“Noah…”
“That’s why I like being with Ingrid. She understands the problems, and still she idolizes me. She has the scientific background to understand what I’m doing. When Ingrid tells me we’re going to succeed, it means something. Can’t you understand? I can’t give up Ingrid and still be around your super-achieving family. I’ll feel like a loser.”
A chill ran through Felicity’s veins.
“That’s why I’m not coming to the wedding,” Noah said, and he stared at her as if daring her to object.
Felicity was stunned. Only moments ago she’d felt so close to her husband, she’d pitied him, wanted to soothe him, and only an hour ago she’d been so proud of herself, so optimistic because she’d gotten a job that according to Noah would be of no help at all.