A Nantucket Wedding(5)

They headed west, stepping into the cold breakers, shrieking as the waves splashed their ankles.

“It’s just hard,” Felicity admitted. “I love my children, and I want more children, and I do love Noah, but he’s always working and when he is home, he’s tense and frantic about some problem at work, and really all he does is zombie-out in front of the television. We haven’t had any time together, just the two of us, for months.” She shot a warning glance at Jane. “This doesn’t mean you can be critical of him.”

Jane nodded. “Understood. And if it’s any comfort, that’s a lot like Scott and I are on weeknights. Work can be exhausting.”

“Being a mother is exhausting, too!” All their lives Felicity had lived in the shade of her sister’s brilliance. Jane was a lawyer. Felicity was just a mother. Felicity wanted to say, You’re too coldhearted to understand what being a mother means. She forced herself to swallow her words. She wasn’t going to ruin this weekend for her mother with arguments and insults.

    Jane took a deep yoga breath. Felicity was always dramatic when she thought she’d been insulted. She’d toss her head and stride from the room, slamming the door behind her. Calm, rational Jane had always felt superior to Felicity when it involved an argument.

Jane slung a friendly arm over Felicity’s shoulders. “I’m not saying it’s not. Just being an adult can be draining. I’m on your side, Filly, don’t misinterpret everything I say. I meant that most evenings Scott and I collapse in front of the television, too, and I’ll bet we eat takeout most evenings.”

“Noah wouldn’t stand for that. He doesn’t even like delivery pizza.”

“Wow.” Jane studied her angelically beautiful baby sister, the princess of everything always, and experienced an odd sensation: she wanted to make Felicity feel better. She lowered her voice and confided, “If you want to talk about sex, let me tell you, the passion has certainly faded between Scott and me. I don’t mean we don’t love each other, but we’ve been married for seven years now, and sometimes on Sunday mornings we make love, but to tell the truth, I’d rather sleep late.”

Felicity bent to pick up an angel-wing shell. “I know.” She took a moment to inspect her find and gather her thoughts. “I do know. Noah and I were wild for each other when we first met—well, that’s why we had to get married so quickly. I got pregnant almost right away, before we’d even had time to get to know each other. But we were in love.”

“Were?” Jane asked.

“Are. We still are. And I read books, Janey, I talk to friends, I know that the years when you have babies are hard on a relationship, and if you add the stress Noah’s under with his company…”

“So you still love Noah.”

“Of course! I’ll always love him. And I respect what he’s trying to do. His work is enormously important. I know that, and I support him in all the ways I can. And we do have sex, and it’s lovely. Just not like it was when we met.”

    “Well,” Jane mused philosophically, “nothing lasts forever. Everything changes. So you don’t have crazy monkey sex but you have two beautiful children.”

Felicity smiled. “You’re right, Janey.” She gave her sister a spontaneous sideways hug. “And what about you?”

“What do you mean?” Jane bent to pick up a small rock and toss it into the ocean.

“You know what I mean. Do you still think you won’t have any children?”

Jane tensed. She wanted to talk about this with someone, but it was hard to say the words. Jane had always been the straight-A, smart, achieving older sister. Felicity had always been the beauty. If Jane confessed her problem, she would seem less than perfect. Plus, she wasn’t completely sure Felicity could keep a secret. And yet, something about the high blue sky and vast azure water opened her heart. Right now, here, with the sunlight all around her, she could trust. She would trust.

“Sometimes, Filly, I do wish I had a child—”

Felicity shrieked. “Oh my God!”

“Settle down. You’re overreacting. I only said sometimes.”

“But this is HUGE!”

“I know. But I only started thinking about it…” That was a white lie. She’d been thinking about it constantly for months.

“What does Scott think?”

“He says no. Absolutely not.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know. I shouldn’t have brought it up. I’m not totally there yet. I might change my mind.”

“Oh, Jane, it would be so wonderful—”

“Really. I don’t want to talk about it. Not another word.”

Felicity clamped her hands over her mouth and staggered in and out of the waves, pretending to struggle to keep from talking.

    “You goofball.” Jane linked arms with her sister and turned her around. “Let’s go back to the house. I could use some sunblock.”

“Me, too. I’d forgotten how bright the sun is near the water.”

For a while they walked in a companionable silence, the sand warm beneath their bare feet, the waves whispering as they reached the shore.

“This is nice,” Felicity said. “Being with you. Here.” She yawned a huge jaw-cracking yawn. “I could lie down right on the sand and fall asleep.”