A Nantucket Wedding(35)

Scott smiled, and she knew that particular smile well.

Well, there you go, Jane said to herself, you’ve walked right into his trap.

“I do know you like your routine, Jane. That’s why I’m surprised at all the changes you’re suggesting.”

One of the things she loved most about Scott was his mind. He was brilliant and cunning. But so was Jane. They had enjoyed sparring matches before, but none had mattered to her as much as this one. First, she had to decide which change to discuss. Spending their vacation on Nantucket. Or having a child. The Nantucket matter was a kind of taster for the main course. She would gladly give up Nantucket and go hiking with him if he would agree to have children.

But after all, this was not a legal conflict concerning massive corporations. This was about her life. Their lives. Their lives together.

“So. I’m suggesting—no.” She folded her hands on the table. “Scott, I want to have children. Maybe just one child. Probably just one child, because I will also want to keep working, at least part-time. I could find the name of a wonderful nanny from our friends or someone at the office. My mother might even come to stay and help. You wouldn’t have to change your routine. And we would have a child of our own.”

    “You’ve given this a lot of thought.”

“That’s true. You know I love you. I love our life together. But I’m sure it could be enriched immeasurably if we had a child.”

“And I’m just as certain that our lives together would be ruined.”

They stared at each other, deadlocked.

The waiter appeared at that moment, took their orders, and diplomatically disappeared.

“Here’s what I think, Jane, and hear me out.” Scott leaned forward, speaking in a low but firm tone. “I think that when you spend time with your mother and your sister, you fall under some kind of spell. You forget who you are. You forget who we are. You want to stop being you and be more like them. You lose your edges and blur into them. You’re not the Jane I know and love.”

“Wow. I had no idea you thought that. You’ll have to give me a moment to think about it.” She sipped her drink while she reflected on his words. “Okay, so first, you need to remember that you’re an only child. Your parents were both undemonstrative. They sent you to boarding school when you were twelve. So you don’t have the experience of, as you put it, blurring into your family. You’re one of the most self-contained people I know.”

Scott nodded. “I would agree with that.”

“Well, fine, but I don’t see that as a good thing. People are meant to ‘blur’ into each other. That doesn’t take anything away from you. It adds to you. It adds depth, dimension to your life, your spirit.”

“You couldn’t wait to get away from your sister. You told me she drove you crazy with all her little princess ways.”

“Yes. Yes, I did say that, and I meant it. But I love her even so, and I loved her then, even when I hated her. That’s what families are like. Well, some families. Some families are terribly dysfunctional, but most families, even the dysfunctional ones, are part of what helps us understand the world. Helps us feel at home in the world.

    “The thing is only now am I realizing how lucky I was with my family. I know when I met you, I told you they drove me crazy, and often they still do, but the older I get, the more I appreciate having those two women as my women. My family.”

“You’ve never talked this way before.”

“I don’t suppose I’ve ever understood this before.” She smiled at Scott and reached for his hand. “Honey, I feel like you’ve just reached into my heart and opened a new door.”

Scott smiled. “I think that’s the cachaça’s magic, not mine.”

“I’ve grown up,” Jane mused aloud. “Mother has grown older, and Felicity has grown up, too. We used to be so competitive. Not so much now. And it’s true, being around Felicity’s children has cast a spell over me—”

Scott pulled his hand away.

Jane pretended not to notice. “—but I’ve been wanting a child long before I went to Nantucket. Even though I know the time will come when our child will be longing to escape from us as much as I was when I was a teenager.”

“Our child. You’re speaking as if it’s already decided.”

Jane gave her husband her best winning smile. “Well?”

“It’s not. Of course it’s not already decided. Or, if you want to be clear, it was decided before we got married, when we agreed with each other that we didn’t want children.”

Her smile vanished. “So, I want a child, and you don’t. What shall we do?”

“Well, first of all, Jane, I want you to promise you won’t sneak us into parenthood.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, don’t stop taking the pill and just ‘forget’ to tell me. Don’t trick me.”

“Do you think I would do that? God, Scott, that’s insulting! And I’ve never been a sneak.” Jane felt hot tears spring to her eyes. “I don’t know how you can say such a thing to me.”

    “That’s how I feel when you say you want a child. And please don’t cry. That’s unfair. And it won’t change my mind.”