A Map for the Missing(78)

She picked up the teapot and her hand buckled at its heaviness. Hot water spilled out of its spout, making puddles on the glass of the lazy Susan.

“Ouch,” the man said. “Look what you’ve done.” He gestured to his lap. Water was spreading down the sides of the tablecloth and onto his knee.

“I’m so sorry—I didn’t mean to do that. I’ll go—I’ll go get some napkins for you.”

She ran out of the room, so quickly that her heel snagged at the doorway and caught on a ripple in the carpet. Her body lurched forward. She hurried to straighten herself without looking back.

“What are you doing here?” Huihong said, in the kitchen. She was slouched against the metal counter, plucking her eyebrows while gazing at a compact mirror. “You’re supposed to be back in the room.”

“I spilled on the host. I can’t go back in there.” Her voice shook as she spoke. That old light-headed feeling was slowly creeping in on her.

“You spilled?”

“They kept leering at me, saying rude things. It was an accident. Could one of you switch with me?”

“You want us to switch with you? You were the one assigned there. It wouldn’t be fair.”

“Please.”

“You need to go back. We’ll all get in trouble if they need someone and no one is in there. Come on, go,” Huihong hissed.

Hanwen was certain she heard the laughter of the two girls when the kitchen door swung closed behind her. She hated them at that moment. She hated everyone she worked with, and she hated the men in the room, who saw her as a nobody and thought they could do whatever they pleased with her. She hated even Auntie Bao, who only told her of the hopelessness of this place without showing her a single means of getting out. It seemed everyone had some idea for or of her, and no one wanted to ask what she thought. And now there was no place that she could ascend to, no test she could pass to show them that they were wrong.

She wiped hot tears from her eyes, her head swirling with anger and dizziness. She would have to go back. Counting to ten, she marched forward.

Her body banged against a hard shape in front of her. She jumped immediately at the impact. She looked up. It was the leader of the delegation.

“We were just calling for you. We want you to bring our last bottle of baijiu.” When he smiled, his two teeth jutted out from the others like knives.

“I’m coming. I apologize,” she managed, her nose and forehead still stinging. Dark spots were swirling in upon her vision, creating blots on the image of his face. Up close, she could see bits of crusted sauce at the corners of his mouth.

“Have you been crying? You look upset.” His voice didn’t sound sympathetic at all.

She turned her face to the floor so he couldn’t look at her any longer, but he shoved his face underneath her chin.

“I’ll be back in your room in just a moment,” she said. She balled her hands into fists as she tried to fight off the darkness that was encroaching. She could not faint now, not here alone with this stranger.

She turned her head away again, but he put a finger underneath her chin, applying pressure and forcing her to look up. She winced immediately at the contact. No man had touched her face since Yitian.

“There’s nothing to be afraid of,” he said. “I just want to hold you.”

She could feel that his hands on her forearms were much stronger than her own. She closed her eyes and squeezed as hard as she could, but the strength was draining from her arms. His hand slithered in between her elbows. His mouth was at her neck, hot breath on it. Then his hand was on her breast, squeezing it painfully, fingers kneading as if it were dough. She had never felt someone’s fingers on that place on her body before and the pain of it was worse than she would have imagined, as if someone had dropped a pointed weight on her chest. She cried out, but her voice caught in her throat and came out jagged.

The man’s head jerked up. Her body felt immediately breathless, free. She looked up: Huihong was standing at the entrance to the kitchen, staring at them.

“What are you doing?” Huihong said.

Hanwen looked back at the man. He met her eyes for a moment, the last she appeared to him as a person. When he looked back at her, his eyes had become a blank. She was nothing more than an object in his vision. She’d never felt more grateful to be invisible.

A voice came from the hallway, calling, “Boss? Boss?” The dim sound became louder as the person came closer.

The next time she turned to look at him, the man was gone. All she saw was the outline of a shoulder, turning the corner back into the main hallway. She felt immediate relief flowing through her. From the hallway, she could hear the other man’s voice saying, “You were gone for such a long time, we thought you were throwing up in the bathroom.”

She looked back to Huihong, wanting to explain.

“I—I,” she stuttered. She looked down. Her dress was half unzipped. There were bright red scratch marks along her arm.

Huihong looked her up and down, and then went back into the kitchen. Hanwen could hear the other girls talking, their voices leaking out of the door’s seams. She heard her name repeated. “What the fuck,” one of the girls said.

She leaned against the wall, catching her breath. Her hands had been clenched into fists all this time and when she released them, her palms were white and dotted with angry impressions where her nails had dug into them.