A Lily Among Thorns(117)

“Oh, for God’s sake!” Elijah broke in. “We failed each other—you didn’t know anything was wrong, but I did, and I didn’t fix it. God, I was always so jealous of you, too.”

Solomon stared. “Jealous of me?”

“Yes, you! You always knew where you belonged. You wanted to work for Uncle Hathaway and you wanted to be a chemist and you were good at it. You always knew exactly what you wanted and you always seemed to know what was right. Father approved of you. You didn’t while away your hours tinkering in the blacksmith’s shop and reading immoral French poetry. And he had no notion of the sick, shameful things I was really doing there. When I found out you were all going to think I was dead, I thought, ‘At least it’s me and not Solomon. None of them would know what to do without him.’” Elijah stopped for a moment. “You had no idea how lucky you were.”

So Serena had been right; Elijah didn’t think he was the dull, conventional one at all. His brother thought he was the lucky one, the one who had always known what to do. They had both been such blundering idiots. “I wish you had told me,” he said at last. “You didn’t have to do this alone.”

“I know that now. But I was afraid. I’m not the dashing, enigmatic one,” Elijah said desperately. “I’m just me, Sol, and you’re ready to let me go because you think I’ll be all right, but I need you.”

“You did all right without me in France,” he said, still struggling to accept this new vision of the world.

“You did all right, too.”

And as awful as the last year and a half had been, Solomon realized abruptly that Elijah was right. Even if his brother had never come back—life would have gone on, somehow. He could even have been happy. Serena had shown him that it was possible.

Elijah was still speaking. “In books they always say, ‘Without you it was as if someone had cut off my arm.’ Sol, without you I felt like someone had sawed open my skull and ripped out half my brain. But I had to get the hell out of here. I had to stop being afraid all the time. I had to be alone. Paris was so different from Shropshire—there were clubs full of people like me, and I was helping England, and I was good at it. All that careful acting, all those years, had just been practice. I felt right, suddenly. But I missed you.”

He pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. “I should have told you I was alive. I told myself you would know so I wouldn’t have to admit I was taking the coward’s way out.”

“We failed each other,” Solomon said, and it felt like absolution. He smiled. “So we’re all right now?”

Elijah smiled back. “We’re all right now.”

After a moment, Solomon asked, “When are you leaving for France?”

Elijah looked up guiltily. “As soon as I can. And—I never thanked you—”

“You don’t have to.”

“I think I do. You shouldn’t have done it, but if I had walked into that room and seen his brains all over the wall—” Elijah swallowed.

“I know.”

“I may be back very soon. He may not want me anymore.”

Solomon snorted. “Doing it a little too brown, Li. When a man’s final thought before he blows his brains out is to say what will make you feel best about driving him to it, he wants you.”

Elijah looked up quickly. “It wasn’t really his final thought, was it?”

Solomon assumed a romantic attitude. “‘Please, tell him I’”—he sniffled and wiped away an imaginary tear with a dramatic forefinger—“‘tell him I never loved him. Tell him I knew all along. Tell him I was a blackhearted rogue. Oh, Elijah, Elijah!’”

Elijah reached over and punched him in the shoulder, but he was beaming. “So—you think he’ll take me back?”

“He’d better, or I’ll be facing him at twenty paces for trifling with my brother.”

“I thought you didn’t approve of dueling.”

“Well, no sense being slavish about it,” Solomon replied airily.

Elijah laughed. “Thanks, Sol.” He flashed a wicked grin. “So, you and Serena?”

Solomon swallowed hard and looked away, his relief fading. “I don’t know.” And finally, he began to tell his brother the whole story.

“I’m glad Solomon brought you,” Mrs. Hathaway told Serena as they were in the kitchen preparing for dinner on Saturday.