A Facade to Shatter(62)

“I went to see a doctor,” he told her quietly. His hand was still wrapped around hers, and she felt the tremor shake him as he said those words.

“Oh, Zach.” There was a lump in her throat.

“I can’t guarantee I won’t have dreams. I’m pretty sure I will have them. But I know how to deal with them now.”

He stood, moved until he was so close she could reach up and touch him if she wanted to.

He pressed her hand to his heart. It beat hard and fast beneath her palm.

“I told the doctor about the gun and how I couldn’t pull the trigger. And I’m taking medicine, Lia. It helps with the fear and anger. I didn’t want to take it before. I thought I could handle it myself. But the truth is I can’t. No one can. We aren’t meant to handle these things alone.”

Her vision blurred again, but this time it was due to the moisture in her eyes. “I’m glad you got help, Zach. Really glad.” She turned her hand in his and squeezed. “But I’m still not sure coming back is the right thing. You hurt me when you sent me away, and I can’t be hurt like that again. I can’t let our baby be hurt, either.”

He looked suddenly uncertain, as if he’d come across a roadblock he hadn’t expected.

“And if I said I love you?”

Her heart went into free fall before soaring again. She told herself to be realistic, practical. To not simply accept what he said at face value because she’d wanted it for so long. She’d been disappointed so many times by her need to be loved. She would not let it rule her now.

“Why do you love me, Zach? Why now?”

He sank onto the chair beside the bed again. His eyes were intense, burning, as they caught hers and held.

“I love you because you give me hope. Because you see the good in me instead of the bad. Because you believe in me. Because you made me believe in myself.” He sucked in a breath, his nostrils flaring. His voice, when he spoke again, was fierce. “I’m glad I lived, Lia. I’m glad I’m here with you, and even if you send me away, even if you never let me back in your life again, I won’t regret a single moment I spent with you.”

She felt a tear spill free and slide down her cheek. She dashed her hand over her face, as if she could hide her tears from him.

But he saw them, of course.

“It kills me when you cry,” he said softly. “And it kills me to think I caused it.”

Her heart squeezed. “I’m not crying because I’m unhappy. I’m hormonal.”

It wasn’t the truth, of course, but she stubbornly didn’t want to admit she was crying because of him. She’d cried too much over him this past month already.

“I love you, Lia. I don’t want you to cry. I want to make you happy. Always.”

She was trembling hard now, but she turned away from him and tried to focus on the cars moving in the parking lot outside. How could she cross this bridge again? How could she make herself vulnerable once more to all the vicissitudes of a relationship with this man?

“I—I want to believe you. But I’m not sure I can.”

“You can,” he said. “I know you can. Isn’t that what you said to me?”

She dropped her chin to her chest and sucked in a huge breath. She had said that to him. She’d said it and she’d been angry when he hadn’t listened. When he’d denied it and sent her away.

How could she do the same thing to him? How could she be a coward, when he ultimately had not? He was facing his fears, finally. How could she be any different?

“I will try,” she said softly. “That’s the best I can do.”

She left the hospital that evening. She’d thought she was going back to her grandmother’s house, but when Zach turned a different direction, she could only look at him. He glanced over at her.

“I’m taking you to our home,” he said. “It will be more private for us.”

She lifted an eyebrow. “I wasn’t aware we had a home in Sicily.”

He shrugged. “Actually, it’s a rental. If you like it, I’ll buy it for you. And if you don’t, I’ll buy you another one somewhere else.”

A little thrill went through her, in spite of her resolve to take this slowly and carefully. She’d agreed to try to believe he loved her, and that this could work between them, but she hadn’t actually thought about what that would entail. Of course they would go to a home they shared. And of course they would be alone together.