A Different Kind of Forever(95)
Why do I need a sanctuary? Because I’m a writer, and all writers need someplace quiet, peaceful and totally theirs where they can go to relax and be inspired. Actually, I’m an award-winning, New York Times bestselling author. Now, before you rack your brain, trying to think of that beautifully written family saga that got short-listed for the Booker, or the thriller that Robert Redford optioned as his Next Big Thing, let me explain to you that the New York Times has several bestselling lists. There’s the hardcover fiction and non-fiction list, the Holy Grail of lists. Then there’s the trade paper, fiction and nonfiction lists. Trade paperbacks are those books that you think are hardcover because they’re the same size as a hardcover, but they’re really soft cover, and infinitely cheaper to publish. Then there’s the mass market list. Mass markets are your basic small-enough-to-stash-in-your-purse sized paperbacks. That’s the list I made. I hung on to the number one spot on the mass market original paperback list for almost four months with one of my favorite titles, Passion At Dusk.
Yes, I’m a romance writer. When I started almost twenty years ago, romance novels were pretty much delegated to the back corners of bookstores. Since then, it’s grown to be quite a respected, not to mention lucrative, genre. I write under the name of Maura Van Whalen, because my real name, Mona Quincy Berman, doesn’t have a very romantic ring to it. Because I was a history major in college and am a sucker for old, moldy ruins and rusty swords, I write historical romance. Maura’s heroines are usually raven-or-auburn haired women with fair skin, clear green eyes and warm trembly lips. They are usually named Clarissa, Isabella, or Honoria, have amazing breasts, and are strong-willed and daring. Their brooding, handsome counterparts are usually Drake, Trane or Lord Aubrey Sinclair.
Being a history major, I’m big on historical accuracy, which is tough when you’re writing not only about history, but about sex. Way back in the day, women were having all kinds of sex all over the place, pretty much the same as today, but the only ones who admitted it were the prostitutes, and, of course, royalty. I like to have to get my characters married off in the first chapter or two, often unwillingly, so they can then be separated and/or put through some trying ordeal together during which they realize how much they really do love each other. I write about a lot of arranged marriages, which were, in fact, very common among the gentry. I also like to throw in the occasional Duke who must hand over his gorgeous and willful daughter as payment of a gambling debt to an unscrupulous but amazingly hunky blackguard.
Lately, though, I’d been wanting to write for the twenty-first century, which would allow my characters to sleep with each other without even knowing each other’s names. Their names would eventually be something like Chloe, Zoey, Colton or Paco, and they would have exciting jobs like magazine editors or undercover drug enforcement agents. I even had a new nom de plume picked out, Monique B.
As for my awards, well, let’s say that there are roughly a gazillion groups out there related to the romance business, and they all love to have conferences and conventions, and prizes are awarded for everything from best plot, pluckiest heroine, or most frequent and imaginative use of the word “cock”. I have a number of these awards. Considering what these awards represent, you’d think they’d be shaped like a giant, erect penises, or maybe upright and breathtakingly full breasts. Instead, they are very abstract in nature, and tend to look like falling stars, soaring comets, or something a dog may have thrown up.
Speaking of dogs, and throwing up, that morning as the girls were heading out the back door, I heard Miranda mutter, then, moments later, Jessica growl. Lauren called over her shoulder about something gross on the floor. I wasn’t paying a lot of attention because I had my head down, trying to dig the keys out of the bottom of my purse. Then I stepped in something. It was soft and made a squishy kind of sound. I closed my eyes and sighed. Fred had left me another treasure.
My Golden Retriever is named Fred, after Fred Astaire, because I watched…wait, you already know that. Golden Retrievers are America’s favorite pet because they are beautiful, loyal and good-natured. Fred is beautiful, loyal, etc., but he also has a brain the size of a dried lima bean and is constantly eating the girls’ underwear and then throwing them up all over my beautiful hardwood floors so I could then step on them and flatten them out so they looked like the Best Regency Romance Award I won in 1995.
I returned from driving the girls to school, cleaned up the Fred mess and called Ben. I’m on a first-name, as well as know-all-his-kids-name, basis with my plumber, Ben Cutler. We first met when one of my three then-interchangeable daughters, all toddling and wreaking havoc, flushed several socks down the toilet, causing the entire sewage system of Westfield to back up into my downstairs powder room. Since then, he’s attended to several emergencies, as well as routine maintenance and upgrading activities. He’s charming, polite, and always apologetic when handing me the bill. He also has a network of other highly paid professionals listed in his little black book, so when plaster/wiring/flooring needs to be replaced as a result of his work, he just calls up a buddy and takes care of it for me. Brian had always maintained that there probably was a kick-back in there someplace, but I try not to think about it. Oh, and did I mention that Ben is probably one of the five most beautiful men on the planet? He’s a true inspiration.