A Christmas Wedding(10)

‘Surely it’s like riding a bike…’

I shrug. ‘Maybe.’

Neither of us says anything for a long moment. I avert my gaze only to come back a second later to meet his eyes again. He smiles a small smile. ‘It’s good to see you. I wasn’t sure we’d get to catch up.’

I shake my head. ‘Me neither. Lachie persuaded me, actually.’

His eyebrows practically hit his hairline.

I can’t help but let out a little laugh. ‘Apparently I’ve been tetchy as hell and this is my one chance to put it all behind me. I think his actual words were, “Once he’s gone, he’s gone. Hopefully for good.”?’

Alex winces and looks away. ‘Fair enough.’

Another long silence ensues.

‘I’m sorry if my trip here has stressed you out,’ he says eventually, glancing at me.

‘It’s okay. It’s actually nice to see you.’

His look becomes disbelieving, and then he makes a frustrated sound and leans forward again. ‘Yeah,’ he says quietly, biting his lip.

Luckily, the waitress brings over our food at that point, so we have something to distract us.

We talk about little things as we eat – about the people we know, the magazines that have closed down and the ones that aren’t doing too badly, and my old boss Simon, who’s apparently married now with a baby on the way. Eventually, I feel at ease enough to ask about his personal life.

‘How about you? Marriage again? Kids?’

He shakes his head. ‘No. Zara remarried, though. Had a whirlwind fling with some hotshot American advertising exec last summer. She’s settled in New York.’

‘You okay about that?’

‘More than okay. I’m pleased she’s happy.’ He sounds completely sincere.

‘Still got the guilts?’ I say this flippantly, but we both know there’s nothing glib about the events of four years ago.

‘You have no idea.’

He doesn’t meet my eyes at all as he says that last sentence. His voice sounds laden down with the weight of remorse.

‘If we’d never met—’ I start to say, but he shakes his head and doesn’t let me finish my sentence, wherever it was going.

‘Zara and I had been coasting for a while. We’d been together so long, I don’t think either of us could face starting again, even though things weren’t right. She told me she’d also been having doubts but, like me, opted for the easy option.’

‘The easy option?’ I ask with astonishment.

‘Going through with a wedding that we weren’t sure about seemed less horrendous than letting everyone down. At least, that’s how it felt at the time when we were in the midst of it. But Christ, I wish I’d done it differently. There are so many things I regret.’ He shakes his head again. ‘I’m so sorry, Bronte.’ He looks pained as he meets my eyes. ‘I fucked everything up badly, and then, like a dick, I kept emailing you.’ His face twists in disgust. ‘I should’ve just backed off. I arrogantly assumed that I could make up for past mistakes if I told you enough times I was sorry, but you were happy with Lachie and I was an idiot. I’m so sorry,’ he repeats, his blue eyes shining.

I shake my head, my own eyes pricking with tears. ‘It’s okay. We were both pretty messed up with it all, weren’t we? It all worked out okay in the end. I love Lachie. He’s like a ray of sunshine.’ I say this with a proper smile.

His own smile is tinged with sadness. ‘I’m glad things worked out for you. Both,’ he adds.

A few moments pass. ‘Anyone significant in your life?’ I find the courage to ask.

‘Not at the moment, no.’ Alex makes a dismissive gesture with his hand as he continues. ‘I’ve been on a couple of dates, allowed myself to be set up to appease certain friends.’ He says this last bit with mild amusement. ‘But nothing serious.’

‘I’m sorry,’ I find myself saying.

‘Don’t be!’ He frowns. ‘When it’s right, it’s right. I’d know. I don’t see the point of wasting time – hers or mine – when it’s not going to go anywhere.’

‘But then you’re never giving anyone a proper chance. Just because you don’t click on a first date doesn’t mean you have nothing in common and you won’t grow to love each other.’

He grins and rolls his eyes. ‘Now you’re sounding like my mate Ed.’

‘Best man Ed?’

He breathes in sharply, nodding, as he remembers that we’ve met.

The first and only time I met Alex’s best friend was just before he married Zara. Alex was late to the church, so I went to look for him. I found him in a dark alleyway where Ed was giving him a pep talk.

‘We’ll be there in a minute,’ Ed had said to me firmly when I’d asked if everything was okay.

But then Alex turned and whispered to him, prompting Ed to stare at me in shock.

‘What are you doing here?’ he asked.

‘I’m photographing the wedding,’ I told him, holding up my camera.

The look on Ed’s face was incredulous. ‘She’s photographing the wedding?’ he asked Alex.

‘I’m Bronte,’ I said, unsure of what was going on.