yes please(32)

Ladies, listen up.

1.Try not to fake it. I know you are tired/nervous/eager to please/unsure of how to get there. Just remember to allow yourself real pleasure and not worry about how long it takes. If it makes you feel better, set a time frame. Say to your partner, “I think you are going to have to work on me for close to forty-five minutes and then we can see how it’s going and regroup.” God punished us with the gift of being able to fake it. Show God who the real boss is by getting off and getting yours.

2.Stop being so goal oriented when it comes to sex. You might not make it to the finish line every time. Don’t worry about it. Each part of the journey can be great.

3.Keep your virginity for as long as you can, until it starts to feel weird to you. Then just get it over with. Try not to have your first time be in a car.

4.Don’t have sex with people you don’t want to have sex with. Remember that no matter how old you are, every time you see that person the first thing you will think of is “I had sex with you.”

5.Don’t get undressed and start pointing out your flaws or apologizing for things you think are wrong with your body. Men don’t notice or care. They are about to get laid! They are so psyched. Men are very visual, so if you don’t want them to look at your stomach just put fake mustaches on your breasts to distract them.

6.Get better at dirty talk. Act like a bossy lady ordering at a deli. “I want the ham on rye and make sure you toast it!” If your guy is bad at dirty talk tell him to shut up. He might like that. If you don’t like dirty talk, don’t worry about it. It’s pretty hot if done well but it may not be up your alley. Also, try not to stick things up your alley.

7.Don’t let your kids sleep in your bed.

8.You have to have sex with your husband occasionally even though you are exhausted. Sorry.

9.Don’t make fun of men. Don’t be mean to them or hurt their feelings. Try not to crush their dreams or their balls.

10.Stay away from pics and videos. They last forever and you don’t want a snooping babysitter (me) to find them.

11.Laugh a lot and try new things with someone you love.

Gentlemen, rules for you. Eyes up here, please.

1.We don’t need it to last as long as you think. Hurry up. We are so tired.

2.We don’t want to remember your penis. We want to remember everything else but hopefully your penis is just a wonderful blur of goodness. If your penis is too big or too small or goes to the side or has a weird thing, we will remember it. If you have something very weird, tell us right away so we aren’t wondering if you know. Then we can laugh and get back to doing it.

3.You can’t fall asleep right after. You have to stay awake for at least a few minutes. Remember, if you fall asleep we will stare at you and evaluate you. This is a very vulnerable time when we may decide we don’t want to have sex with you again.

4.Keep it sexy. Don’t believe what you see in movies. It really isn’t cute when you stick out your gut.

5.Cool it on the porn and jerking off. We think porn is great and so is jerking off, but if we are going to have sex it may cause some problems. If you depend too heavily on the technical or visual then you may not notice the real flesh-and-blood person in your bed.

6.Be nice, tell your woman she is hot, never shame her, and never hurt her.

7.Work on your dirty talk too. Try different things but keep trying. Avoid the words “climax,” “moist,” and “mom.” Don’t speak in a fake accent. Or blaccent.

8.If you don’t get an erection, we know it’s usually not because of us. We look concerned because we are wondering if it will keep happening.

9.Stay away from orgies. They just take so much organizing and I feel like your time could be better spent.

10.Open up and try new things with someone you love.

11.If you don’t eat *, keep walking.





gimme that pudding


I HAVE BEEN NOMINATED FOR SOME AWARDS. This is very cool. I have hosted a few award shows, which is also cool. My first was the High Times Stony Awards in 2000, and the last was the Golden Globes in 2014. The Upright Citizens Brigade had a strong and early relationship with High Times, which was then a magazine filled with Jerry Garcia conspiracy theories and sexy centerfold pictures of weed. For you young readers, the term “magazine” used to mean a collection of printed papers that you would hold in your hand and read by turning the pages. Still confused? Try this . . . picture folding your MacBook and sticking it in your pocket. Oh, you kids don’t use MacBooks anymore? You use eyelid screens and mind cameras? Bully for you. I digress.

Let’s all just agree that acting awards are strange. They are based on the idea that a committee of a select few puts a bunch of very different performances next to each other and then decides who gets the pudding. Don’t get me wrong—to be in the company of other great actors and valued for your work is a whole lot better than being ignored. Nothing is worse than being ignored. Glenn Close said it best when she told Michael Douglas in the romantic comedy Fatal Attraction, “I WILL NOT BE IGNORED, DAN.” She was so upset about being ignored she cooked a bunny on the stove. You don’t even want to find out what I would do. A lot of people don’t know I am always thisf*ckingclose to doing some crazy shit.

Getting nominated for an award is very exciting. Anyone who says it is not is either lying or on a very strong beta blocker. You have a one-in-five chance of getting the pudding! That being said, I have not won very often. Always a bridesmaid, I guess. By that I mean people are always mistaking me for someone from Bridesmaids. I have also been mistaken for “that girl from MADtv,” and Chris Rock once called me Rachel Dratch, proving once and for all that Chris Rock is horribly racist.