You've Reached Sam (77)

I keep my earbuds in as I stare out the car window. Maybe some time away from Ellensburg is what I need after all.

There isn’t too much traffic this Saturday morning, so we arrive early to grab breakfast on the pier. Once the rain stops, the four of us take a stroll along the waterfront, pausing at the occasional souvenir stand, looking for our names on key chains. While the others head farther into the arcade stands of Pike Place Market, I take a break from the touristy attractions and find a bench away from the crowds to get some space alone.

A merchant vessel cruises along the harbor, sending little waves against the rocks as I stare out at the water. It’s a chilly afternoon on the pier in downtown Seattle. I breathe in the brisk salt air and let it out slowly. It’s been a while since I smelled the ocean. It’s strange to be back here after a long time away. I forgot how lonely the water can make you feel just by looking at it.

I wish Sam was here with us. The world feels quiet without him in it. It’s been more than a week since we last spoke to each other. If only I could call him up for a moment, just to hear his voice. Know he’s still there. Maybe then I might enjoy this trip, instead of thinking about him every second. I keep my phone in my lap, checking it from time to time. It reminds me we’re still connected, even when we can’t hear each other. I wonder if our signal works outside of Ellensburg. I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to drive up here and risk it. But since our calls have to be spaced further apart these days, I knew I wouldn’t be able to call him this weekend anyway. It’s only a few days, after all. I should at least try to have a good time, and spend time with the others. But it’s so much harder than I thought it would be.

After a while, someone approaches the bench.

“Can I join you?”

I look up at Yuki. She is holding a compostable tray with two coffees. I move my jacket from the bench, making room for her. She sits beside me, sliding over the tray.

The coffee is warm in my hands. “Thank you. But you didn’t have to get me something.”

“I think it’s the least I can do,” Yuki says, staring out at the water. “For making you come all the way out here with us.” She looks at me. “You don’t seem to be enjoying the trip.”

I stare at my phone, feeling guilty. I’m sure she isn’t the only one who noticed. “Sorry, I’m not in the best mood,” I say. “But I’m glad I came out here with you guys. I just have a lot on my mind.”

“What are you thinking about?”

I let out a breath. “The same things…” I answer.

We stare out at the water again. A few seagulls cry overhead. After some silence, Yuki asks, “Do you still have those nightmares?”

I think about the crystal I still keep with me. It’s tucked safely inside the pocket of my bag. I never leave the house without it. “Actually, I don’t anymore. I think what you gave me got rid of them.”

“I’m glad it helped.”

I take a sip of coffee, letting it warm my throat. I can’t tell Yuki what’s really bothering me. How I keep imagining a future with Sam still in it. Though I know these calls won’t last forever, I can’t seem to let go of our connection, even though it’s already breaking. I keep thinking about what Mika said to me the night of the festival. About holding on to Sam.

“This isn’t good for you … And I don’t know if it’s good for him, either.”

I replay the conversation in my head. What exactly did she mean by that? Am I hurting Sam by holding on for as long as I can? Am I keeping him from something? As much as I love him, I don’t want to force him to stay longer. Especially if he needs to move on, wherever that is. This is his choice, too. After all, it was him who picked up my call in the first place. After a while, I turn to Yuki. “Remember what you said about my dreams? The ones about Sam, I mean. How I should seek the opposite to find balance or something…”

Yuki nods. “I remember.”

“I thought about it,” I say, staring down at my phone again, holding it tight. “I think it’s obvious what it means now. It means I have to stop thinking about him. That I have to let him go and move on with my life.” I let out a deep breath. “I wish it was easier for me.”

Yuki looks away, as if taking this in. After a moment, she says, “You know, I don’t think you could let Sam go. Even if you really wanted to.”

“What do you mean?”

“I guess what I mean is, Sam is still very much a part of your life, isn’t he?” she says. “He might be physically gone, but you will always carry a piece of him with you. I know your time with Sam was much shorter than you wanted it to be, but that time together isn’t something you can give back. Letting go isn’t about forgetting. It’s balancing moving forward with life, and looking back from time to time, remembering the people in it.”

I stare out at the water again, thinking. If only she understood how different it is for me. I’m the only one who will have to lose him twice.

Yuki touches my hand. “I know this is still hard for you. But I’m glad you decided to come today. I’m glad we’re spending time together again.”

I smile. “I’m glad, too.”

Someone whistles to our left, and we both look up from the bench. Jay and Oliver are standing against the rail of the boardwalk, holding churros. The two of them have been inseparable lately. I sense some sparks between them.