You've Reached Sam (44)

“I never made promises lightly

And there have been some that I’ve broken

But I swear in the days still left

We’ll walk in fields of gold

We’ll walk in fields of gold…”



We watch the sunset together, just like Sam had planned for us. I find a spot in the grass to lie down, and place the phone beside me with the speaker on. We talk for hours, about everything, laughing like old times as the sky changes colors above us, and I swear it’s like he’s here with me. Sam’s right, it’s even more magical out here at night. The stars feel so close you could reach out and touch them. I look for constellations and tell Sam which ones I think I know. For a long moment, I can feel him lying there besides me. If I turn my head to look, I’d see him with his arms tucked behind his head, wearing his plaid shirt, his eyes opened wide at the sky, his beautiful dark hair, that handsome smile on his face. But I don’t dare to look, because I’m scared no one will be there. So I just stare straight up at the stars, and allow myself to keep pretending.

I close my eyes for moment. “Thank you for bringing me here. I didn’t realize how much I needed to be away from everything.”

“Feels like a different world, doesn’t it?” Sam whispers next to me. “Like Ellensburg is a million miles away.”

“Do you miss it, Sam? Ellensburg, I mean.”

“Yeah I do … I miss everything about it.”

I open my eyes back up to the stars. “I think I’ll miss it, too.”

“So you’re still leaving?”

“That was always the plan,” I remind him. “To finally get out of here, you know? Move to a big city, go to college or something, become a writer.”

“You don’t sound too excited,” Sam says.

“Well, I didn’t want to do it alone.”

There’s a long silence before Sam speaks again. “You’re gonna be okay, Julie. Wherever it is you go, whoever you end up with. You’ll figure things out.”

“There’s no one else I want to end up with. You’re still here, Sam. And that’s all that matters right now. Nothing else.”

“Julie,” Sam says, somewhat tensely. “Don’t do this.”

“Do what?”

“Hold on to us,” he says. “As if we still have forever.”

“Why do you keep saying that?”

“Because it won’t always be like this. It can’t. I need you to remember that.”

“But why can’t it be?”

“It just can’t—” His voice cracks a little. “Think about it. You’re not going to live the rest of your life talking to your dead boyfriend on the phone, while everyone else is out there living their lives, meeting new people, moving on with the rest of the world. You can’t live this way forever.”

“I don’t see what’s so wrong about this,” I say back. “You’re making it sound worse than it is.” I can’t think of anything I want more in the world right now, other than having him be alive again. “As if I care what other people think of me. As long as I have you. And if we can still be together, we should make it work. Even if it isn’t exactly like we planned—”

“Stop it, Julie,” he interrupts me. “You and I can’t do this forever. That’s just not possible.”

“But you said I could take as long as I need to say good-bye,” I remind him. “What if I don’t? What if I refuse to say it?”

Sam lets out a breath. “So is that what you decided to do … to never say good-bye to me?”

“That was always it, Sam. Since the day I met you…”

I think of the day when he will no longer pick up when I call and I can barely breathe. I finally heard him sing; what if I forget his voice? I can’t imagine losing him all over again.

Neither of us say anything for a long time. I stare at the sky as some clouds part, revealing the moon. Out of nowhere, a glitter of white light streaks across the sky, vanishing behind the mountain line.

“A shooting star.” I point at the sky, as if Sam could see it, too.

“I’m surprised you’ve only seen one out there,” he says. “Did you make a wish?”

“You know I don’t believe in stuff like that.”

“Why not?”

“Think about it. Have you ever heard of one coming true?”

“Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give it a shot. You could wish for the other bookend back.”

“You’re a real dreamer,” I say.

Sam laughs. “Alright then. What would you wish for, if you could have anything?”

“Anything?”

“Anything at all.”

“No limits?”

“No limits.”

I hesitate. “Do you really want to know?”

“I wouldn’t be asking if I didn’t,” Sam says.

I close my eyes and take in a deep breath. I don’t have to think long because I already know the answer. “I wish you were here,” I say. “I wish you were lying right next to me. I wish I could look over and see you smiling back. I wish I could run a hand through your hair, and know you’re real. I wish we could finish school and graduate together. So we can finally leave this place like we always planned, and find an apartment somewhere, and figure out the rest of our lives together so I don’t have to do it alone. I wish you were alive again … and I wish I had picked up the phone that night, so that all this would be different, and everything would go back to before…”