You'd Be Home Now (60)

“Okay.”

He squeezes my hand gently before he starts walking toward Amber.

Then I’m alone. The music is loud, vibrating through the soles of my shoes. I pull my sweater a little tighter. I feel exposed all of a sudden.

Maybe my dress is too snug. Maybe this was a bad idea. I don’t see Gage at all. What was I thinking? It’s not like I can dance-dance, anyway, not with my knee. Maybe I can’t do this after all. I start to feel panicky. Look at all these kids. They all seem like they know what to do, how to act, and here’s me, wrapping my sweater tighter around myself and hoping I disappear.

    “Hey, you came.” Daniel Wankel appears next me in his ubiquitous sport coat and wool scarf. He grins. “Cool. Now I don’t have to stand by myself. We can stand alone together.”

“I thought Liza and Jeremy were coming with you?” A wave of relief floods through me, just looking at him.

“They did. Over there,” he says, pointing to the snack table. “We took the bus. My car’s dead.”

Liza and Jeremy are delicately picking up tortilla chips one by one, not bothering with plates. Liza did not dress up; she’s still in her overalls.

“Your dress is cool,” Daniel says.

“I feel stupid,” I say. “Do you ever feel that way, like you don’t fit? Or everybody else seems to know exactly what to do all the time?”

Daniel gives me a curious look. “Nobody knows what to do at any time. That’s the great lie of high school, that everyone but you knows how to live.”

“That’s very profound,” I say, teasing him. He’s easy to talk to. Not like with Gage, where I’m always preplanning what I should say to him and then stuttering over the few words I do use with him.

He shrugs. “It’s what my dad says. I’ll be sure and tell him you found his wisdom profound. It’s just one of the many life lessons he teaches me while I mow the lawn and he drinks beer.”

Jeremy and Liza come over to us. In the corner, Amber and Joey are laughing. She pushes some hair away from her face. It makes me feel happy, just then, to see Joey smiling. Maybe tonight will turn out all right for everyone.

    “You made it,” Liza says. “And wow, you went all out. Look at you.”

Is she smirking? It’s hard to tell with Liza sometimes.

I wrap my arms tighter around myself.

Jeremy says, “You look nice.”

It looks like he’s brushed his hair and put on a clean T-shirt. He looks softer in this light, less lonely.

“You too,” I say.

Daniel says, “It’s not a dance if there’s not dancing. Does anyone want to dance?” He looks at Liza. “You, Ms. Liza?”

“Well…” Liza draws out the word. “I think I promised the first dance to Jeremy.”

And then, for a split second, Jeremy looks at me, which Liza notices. Hurt flashes across her face. But it’s gone before Jeremy sees it, and Liza grabs his arm. “Let’s go embarrass ourselves. Second one’s yours, Daniel.”

She and Jeremy walk out onto the floor, melt into the sea of bodies.

“That was weird,” Daniel says. “You and Jeremy have a thing, or something? I could have sworn you were smitten with Mr. Baseball.”

I shake my head quickly. “No, Liza likes Jeremy. I don’t know much about relationships, but I know I’m not going to get in her way.”

“Good plan,” he says. “Oh. Look. Speak of the devil.”

I follow his eyes across the gymnasium.

Gage Galt is standing in a crowd of his baseball buddies. They’re all neatly dressed: expensive polos, good jeans, the right sneakers. His hair is clean and perfect. He looks clean and perfect.

    “Mr. Baseball,” Daniel says lightly.

My hands are shaking.

Be someone else, I tell myself. Be anyone else, any other girl who would walk up and ask someone to dance.

It’s like Gage and I skipped to step fourteen, so I never learned steps one through thirteen, the beginnings of a relationship. What Maddie was talking about.

“Listen, from what little I’ve gleaned from you so far,” Daniel says, “you have a thing for Mr. Baseball, but as your friend, I have to tell you, that situation is beginning to look complicated, so you need to tell me your plan. I can advise you.”

Some girls have joined the group, floating around the crowd of boys like colorful, confident flowers.

“I was going to ask him to dance.” Just saying that out loud makes my face flush.

“Hmm. Let me think about the best way to accomplish that. It’s a little crowded over there at the moment, so you may want to hold back until there are less people, in case you get shot do—”

But his words don’t touch me, because whoever the girl I need to be is, she’s coming out, right now, just like Simon Stanley said. I fall back into myself, make the old me recede, and even though my heart is beating so loud I can barely hear myself think, I’m walking, this new girl in my old shoes, ignoring the painful twinges in her knee, carrying me across the gym to Gage and his group.

“Abort the mission,” Daniel whispers behind me. “Abort the mission!”

But I can’t. I’m halfway there and I can’t stop now.