You Can’t Be Serious(70)

Step Seven: The phone call. The following day, somebody will call you to confirm the details you have already listed on the (Step One) form: How big is the photo? How heavy do you think it might be? The Step Seven human will eventually ask to schedule a time and date when (Step Eight!) he can come to your office. He’ll be booked for a few days, so go ahead and save yourself some time by scheduling an appointment for the following week.

Step Eight: When half a fortnight passes, a nice man wearing an exceptionally large tool belt will show up and complete the final step—he’ll hammer a nail into your wall. Then he will leave. Oh, you thought he’d go ahead and hang the picture up too? Silly, silly, Baby Kal. He is Captain of the Nails. He only shows up to hammer one into the wall. It’s your responsibility to hang the picture up yourself. Welcome to the federal government, buddy.



Now look, I know these rules are meant to be followed, so you can choose to do all of that bureaucratic time-wasting nonsense with the forms… or… make things more efficient. Keep this between us and take a peek behind your office door. You’ll see a stray nail in the corner—leftover from when some past staffer took down a picture. Wait until everyone has left for the night and yank it out. Use the back of your stapler to bang it into the wall next to your desk, and hang that photo, homie! After all, your grandparents marched with Gandhi because they were idealistic. They weren’t rule followers.





Getting Down to Business


You’re not here to spend your time buying fridges and hanging pictures. It’s time to get to work. And even that follows a process in the Executive Branch.





Tip C: Work Email Is Not like Personal Email


Sure, you’ve had email before. But you’ve never had White House email. It’s important to keep in mind that all of your work email is considered a presidential record and will be archived for potential public release one day through something called the Presidential Records Act (PRA). Messages will fall under two general categories: those from within the Executive Branch and those from outside. Let’s start with outside first. As a federal employee, your email address isn’t that hard to figure out. You work for the Office of Public Engagement, and because a lot of good people pin their hopes and dreams on what’s happening at the White House, your in-box will be inundated daily. You’ll feel an obligation to respond to all the messages. Don’t try to do this or you’ll never get any proactive work done. Learn to triage and set up filters to sort the necessary emails from the nonessential.

When it comes to constituents whose organizations you’re working with, be sure to read between the lines of people’s email signatures. The more items somebody includes at the bottom of their email, the more accolades they announce, the more superlatives they advertise, the less legit they usually are. Sometimes this will be obvious; other times, the best sign that you’re dealing with a crazy person is how many pieces of flair they gifted themselves at the end of their message.

Here’s an example of a type of email you’ll get soon. You should take this one seriously:

From: Nicole River

Date: Thursday, July 23, 2009 5:25 PM

To: Kalpen Modi

Subject: DREAM Act

Mr. Modi:

Congratulations on your appointment as President Obama’s right-hand man for issues related to Young Americans! My name is Nicole River, and I run a nonprofit called Campus Forward. I left word for you earlier today. We’d previously been working with Paul Monteiro in your office. We’d love to have the opportunity to brief you on the work our 3 million members are doing nationwide around the DREAM Act and share with the president our vision for immigration reform. Looking forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Nicole

President, Campus Forward



Nicole seems like a good person. She is eager to help. Her note was professional, and she’s outlined the reach of her organization. You can easily google the great work she and her team do. They have a strong history and track record of working in politics. And heck, look at that signature line: “President, Campus Forward.” Concise. Not self-congratulatory. She’ll be effective to work with.

Now let’s look at a different type of email. Pay special attention to the signature:

From: Jonathan Middleton

Date: Thursday, July 23, 2009 5:25 PM

To: Kalpen Modi

Subject: URGENT! MR. MODI I HAVE LEFT SEVERAL VOICE MAILS URGENT REGAR…

DEAR MR. KALPEN MODI:

IT IS VERY URGENT FOR PRESIDENT OBAMA TO ACT IMMEDIATELY TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE. I RUN AN ORGANIZATION BASED HERE IN VIRGINIA. WE HAVE ALWAYS MET WITH EACH PRESIDENT SINCE KENNEDY AND HAVE NOT HEARD ONE PEEP FROM THIS OBMAMA ADMINISTRATION. I HAVE LEFT SEVERAL URGENT VOICE MAILS AND HAVE NOT GOTTEN ANY CALLS BACK. THIS IS NO WAY TO ENGAGE FOR THE OFFICE OF PUBLIC EGNAGNEMENT. TIME IS TICKING MR KALPEN MODI. HAVE A HEART FOR ARE YOUTH

Sincerely,

Jonathan Middleton

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Jonathan Middleton

Founder and President, Virginia Community Activists for Change that has 450+ members and impacted the lives of more than 3,000 youth to be community leaders in 45 counties

International Speaker, Boys and Girls Club (5 chapters!!)

Advisor, Young Leaders Association of Richmond (1998–present)

www.jonathanmiddletonrocks.com