Within These Wicked Walls(82)

“You’re too inexperienced to know you should be afraid.”

“I’m terrified, Jember. I’ve been since the first night. But there are more important things than fear at the moment.”

“Yes,” he grumbled, “your insufferable lover.”

“We’re not lovers,” I said, my face burning, then added indignantly, “Anyway, you’re Saba’s insufferable lover, you know.”

“I know.” He cursed and leaned back in his chair. “For the life of me I can’t figure out why she still loves me.”

“Because love is a strange beast. I don’t know. Why do I love Magnus?”

He raised his eyebrows as he worked. “Yes, why do you? You used to make more sense.”

“Same reason I care about you,” I said, smirking. “Every girl wants to marry someone like their father. You’ve conditioned me to have horrible taste in men.”

He laughed, putting the amulet down on the table with a sigh. He was quiet for a moment, the remainder of his smile drifting away into deep, sorrowful thought. Finally, he looked at me. “I was never qualified to take in a child, and you paid the price for that. I’m sorry, Andi.”

I didn’t expect his words and, for a moment, I didn’t know what to make of them. I felt tears pricking the backs of my eyes, but I knew he’d scold me if I cried. I could’ve easily turned this on him, told him off for everything he’d ever done to me.

But, somehow, I didn’t want to. “I forgive you.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I think it’s better for my own conscience that I do.”

We were quiet for a moment.

Jember broke it with a sigh. “I think we can agree the bond between us isn’t based on normal love. We’re survivors. We keep coming back together again because we need each other to survive … but that’s not to say I don’t care about you. I do.”

My heart suddenly started pounding, and I had to force myself not to smile. That was all I’d ever wanted to hear. “You raised me. That’s affection enough.”

He looked at me, studied me, as if to see if I was being sarcastic, and then handed me a disk of silver. “I hope you were paying attention.”

“Just watch, old man, I’ll show you how it’s done.”

He smirked and leaned back in his chair. “We’ll see.”

He got to work on his next amulet without waiting for me to finish, and for a while we worked together in silence. Such familiar silence. Growing up, I used to call it quality together time. But still, it was marred by a creeping anxiety in my gut.

“Is the fourth debtera okay?” I asked suddenly.

“Hm?”

“Three killed themselves. The fourth doesn’t want to, does he?”

“Not so much since I found you.” He paused in his work, grinning the slightest bit. “Turns out having someone to live for helps.”



* * *



I entered my room to find Magnus fast asleep. The drawer where I kept my sleeping dress tended to creak, so instead I took off my warmer layer, wrapped my hair in my satin scarf, and climbed carefully into bed. I left space between us, just as Jember and I had done for years, but … somehow lying beside Magnus felt different. It felt … final.

But the word “final” could mean so many things. It could mean he was my final destination, my life partner, the man who I might one day call Husband—as distasteful as the concept seemed to me now, I knew in my heart my future would lead to it.

Unless … unless “final” meant something a bit more eternal, involving more of the physical presence of God and entirely too much less of Magnus.

No … No. It was not my time to die yet, God willing.

I reached out to caress Magnus’s cheek. He sighed, murmuring my name quietly.

“Yes, I’m here,” I whispered back.

“Did you have fun?” he mumbled, still mostly asleep I was sure, because his face was still pressed to his pillow.

I grinned, only holding back a kiss so as not to wake him. “I did.”

“You love working…”

I shushed him gently, and he sighed and went back to sleep.





CHAPTER 31


I awoke with my face to a wall. I lifted my hands to push away, but it felt surprisingly flesh-like. Merciful God, how could I have forgotten. Magnus had shared my bed last night. His arms were around me, leaving only a breath’s amount of room between us.

“You broke the bed-sharing rules,” I mumbled to his chest.

“Good morning to you too, my little sunbeam,” he whispered to the crown of my head.

I felt overly warm, and it wasn’t all due to body heat.

We lay in bed, basking in the rays coming through my window, but it was difficult to fully enjoy remembering what would happen tonight. That the hyena would be released … and my life would be on the line.

No. Death wasn’t an option for me. Besides, what could death do to me that life hadn’t already? This was performance anxiety. That’s all.

The sounds of a coach and horses outside sent me kicking off my blanket and leaping to my feet. I got dressed quickly, but by the time I got to the stairs Esjay had let himself in.