Wilder Girls(53)

“There was no other solution,” I say. I’m struggling to keep steady, my fists clenched so hard I can feel my fingernails biting deep. “It was him or us, and I made the only decision I could.”

“So, what,” she says, acid dripping from her voice, “I don’t get to be mad that my father is dead? That the Tox ripped him apart so badly you had to put him down?”

I shoot to my feet, and I don’t know what it is—anger or pure desperation—that has me so wound up I’m shaking. “No, actually,” I say, “you don’t get to be mad that I saved your life.”

Reese narrows her eyes. I brace myself for whatever’s coming next. I’ve never met anyone who likes fighting the way she does, never met anyone so good at it. But the silence beats on. At last she lets out a long, slow breath, tension draining from her shoulders.

“Do you think I want this?” she says. She sounds hoarse, and I can barely pick out one word from the next, every ounce of exhaustion crashing down on both of us at once. “We don’t get to choose what hurts us.”

My heartbeat thundering in my ears, the slow coil of dread tightening in my chest. Please, please don’t be doing what I think you are.

   “Reese,” I start, but she shakes her head.

“I understand what you did. I think you did the right thing. And I’m still angry about it.” She shrugs her good shoulder. “What else is there to say?”

For a moment I’m back there in the dark, my life in my hands. There was no other way. It was kill or be killed. And it feels like tearing my own heart out of my chest the way I did Mr. Harker’s, but I say, “Nothing, I guess.”

She nods. My stomach clenches as I see a tear wind down her cheek before she swipes it away. “Right. That’s what I mean.”

The past few days I’ve seen her break open. Watching her now, I can see her closing back up. There the familiar remove, there the way she never quite looked me in the eye. All of it put back together as she says, “You can have the room. I’ll bunk in one of the empty dorms.”

She’s waiting for me to argue. And if she were Byatt, I’d know what to say. I’d know the gap in her armor. But Reese doesn’t have one.

“Okay.” I’m proud when my voice doesn’t break. But I can’t let her go without making sure she understands. “I’m sorry,” I say. “You have to know that.”

Her hair the only light, features strange and unknowable like the day I first met her. She’s gone. She’s here but she’s gone.

“Yeah, I know.” And the door shuts behind her as she walks out.





BYATT





CHAPTER 15


They open the curtains and they wheel him in Gurney across from me both of us strapped in tight and I know who it is I do it’s just I’m not here anymore A fog in my head I’m awash I’m at sea and I can’t feel anything except when they stick me and bleed me Teddy that’s who I forgot



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—

No boys allowed I told him I kissed him I did I did I ruined him and I wasn’t even trying to When will you learn my mother says to me

She is by the window again she is watching me and she is wearing scrubs just like the doctors do as she winks in and out There are more important things than what you want she says



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—

   How are you feeling

Me and Hetty on the roof she’s got a bandage covering her eye and we’re pretending like she doesn’t and I say how are you feeling and she says Doesn’t hurt so much

And I’m glad and then she looks over at me and it’s taking a little to get used to her new face but she’s used to it so I have to be too and she says You seem all right Byatt

All right like not just all right but something more except I don’t know what so I just shrug and I guess

That’s what I say



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—

Light my eyes tearing up they always do they’re too sensitive I could never get my pupils dilated when I went to the eye doctor and somebody bending down over me blinking and sharpen and Paretta

Shake my head try to get away but she says something I can’t understand and then Test they’re doing a test

My arm is moving

Try to put it back come back I didn’t but no good a hole a tube and bright yellow hands pushing

   Open my mouth to scream and scream but nothing comes out just a whisper of air and what is that in my IV it’s clear it’s coming down it’s going in I can’t stop it



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—

Pull tighten stretch and Teddy where is Teddy there is something in me cool and sweet He is not here

I am not either



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—

A soft wash

Waves

The beach at Raxter at the Raxter before the Tox I’m alone but the kind of alone where you aren’t where you can feel the other girls behind you running laughing chattering and it’s okay that you’re by yourself on the beach because all you have to do is turn around and there they’ll be But I don’t turn around