Where Have All the Boys Gone?(68)

“So, if you kept on doing it, I’d simply change the position of the sofa, until you’d learned.”

Richard looked suspicious. “So, your book is basically just telling women to tell men off until they do what they’re told?”

“Of course it isn’t,” said Judy.

“See, you’re doing it now.”

Fennellopy was wearing a very tight smile on her very tight face. “It’s about rewarding positive behaviour in a positive way.”

“I’m not a dog,” said Richard crossly. “I’m a tiger.”

“It’s not about calling men dogs,” said Fennellopy. “It’s about finding stability in your life.”

“By buying a dog,” said Richard helpfully.

“No.”

“It’s a lovely book,” said Judy, patting Fennellopy’s knee. Fennellopy flinched like a nervous Pomeranian. “And thank you so much for coming on and telling us all about it.”

She turned towards one of the cameras. “Now, from one extreme to another—whilst Fennellopy’s talking about how to keep your man in London, at the other end of the country they’ve got the opposite problem. Yes, in the town of Fairlish, in Sutherland, there are fifteen men to every woman!”

As Judy was talking, Fennellopy was briskly whisked away without ceremony, and with much shushing, Katie and Harry were led onto the famous sofa.

“What time does the next bus leave, I hear you ask. Well, here to tell us what it’s like, and why they don’t want a new golf course built, which will mean even more men, here’s Katie Watson and Harry Barr.”

Tinkly music played, and Katie and Harry tried to arrange their faces into natural-looking rictus grins. Up behind them on screens came large superimposed shots of Fairlish, looking rather lovely.

Judy turned towards them in a smiling fashion as they murmured hellos.

“So, you’re Harry, that’s right?”

Harry nodded.

“And you live in Fairlish, where there are, how many . . . ?”

“Five hundred and seventy-five men and sixty-six women,” said Richard helpfully.

Harry smiled.

Judy clutched his arm in a motherly fashion. “Oh, you poor thing.”

“It’s not so bad,” said Harry. “You know, it’s an outside kind of life out there . . . you’re living close to nature, there’s always lots of work to do, seasons changing.”

“But you don’t have a girlfriend,” said Richard. “Tricky.”

“Well, we’re quite a quiet community,” said Harry. “Most of us.”

Katie chose to ignore this.

“Well, you’re not quite the quiet community any more, are you, uhn, Katie?” said Judy, reading her notes.

“No,” said Katie. “Pluto Enterprises want to knock down our local forest and replace it with a golf course, and we’re saying ‘NO.’”

“Hmm,” said Judy. “So, you’re actually from London, aren’t you?”

“She certainly is,” said Harry.

Katie nodded.

“So, did you find yourself suddenly terribly popular when you arrived there?”

“Well, I don’t know about that,” said Katie.

Harry snorted. She shot him a look.

“I mean, compared to London, how did you find it for men?”

“Well, there’s a lot of them about,” said Katie. “But mostly they’re really insecure with women and tend to get really jealous.”

“No they don’t,” said Harry. “But the local men tend to like to stick to the more traditional type of girl. We’re not really into the racy city-girl type. Most of us are actually quite old-fashioned in our ways. I don’t know how many girls want that kind of thing any more.”

“Well, quite a few, judging by our switchboard!” said Judy, sounding calm, although there was clearly somebody shouting in her earpiece.

“So, I mean, Harry, how do you cope, with the whole, lack of girls thing?” said Richard. He sounded as if he wanted Harry to reply with an intimate rundown of his masturbation timetable.

“It’s fine,” said Harry. “I walk my dog a lot, you know.”

“Ooh, you’ve got a dog, how lovely,” said Judy.

Katie rolled her eyes.

“And you must be having the time of your life!” said Richard to Katie.

“You’d think,” said Katie. Richard and Judy weren’t quite sure how to take this rudeness and Katie felt a pang of embarrassment.

“So, would you recommend any lady viewers watching right now who might be feeling a little bit lonely to get themselves up there right now?”

“If they want to save a forest, then, yes, we could do with them!” said Katie, trying to redeem things with a cheesy grin.

“Or if they’re quite loose and just desperate to cop off,” said Harry. “That seems to work quite well too.”

There was a sudden silence in the studio.

“OK,” said Judy, still in a smiley way, but with a desperate edge to her voice. “Lovely! Thanks! So nice of you to come in! So that’s the town with too many men there . . . and, coming up, just after the break, You Say We Pay and we’ll be greeting Star Mackintosh, the youngest hot new star on the block . . .”