When the Lights Go Out(39)

Mr. Pugh has gone off to work and so for now it’s only Mrs. Pugh and me. Mrs. Pugh, who sat in the sunroom drinking her coffee and reading a book when I excused myself to clean. I pray she stays put, that she doesn’t come wandering into her bedroom and catch me meddling with her things.

I pull up a search engine and type my own name into it. Jessica Sloane. I’m not sure what I expect to find. Or rather what I expect to find is nothing. But instead I find an interior designer with my name, one that takes up the first two pages of results. Around page three I find a doctor named Jessica Sloane. Even farther down the page, a Pilates instructor. A Tumblr account for a fourth woman of the same name.

But me specifically, I’m nowhere there. Though it’s not like I’d have a reason to be on the internet. I’ve done nothing noteworthy with my life; I don’t have social media; I’ve never been on the news. For the last twenty years, Mom and I have lived as sequestered a life as we could. Like nuns, except that we didn’t pray. We just kept to ourselves.

I click on the tab for images. Hundreds of photographs load before my eyes. Hundreds of photographs of rooms the interior designer Jessica Sloane has designed. They’re dramatic and fussy and not at all my style. There are photographs of her too. Her and Jessica Sloane, MD, all decked out in a white lab coat with a stethoscope slung around her neck, smiling. Trying hard to look empathetic and intelligent all at the same time. I click the news tab at the top of the page, finding articles about them too.

I pause then, hands frozen above the keyboard, hearing a noise from down the hall. The house is long and narrow, each of the rooms small. I listen, hearing water streaming from the kitchen faucet, the coffee maker warming up to brew another pot. Mrs. Pugh is making herself more coffee.

Only when Mrs. Pugh’s gentle footfalls drift away do I return to the screen.

On a whim, I insert my middle name, certain the search will come back empty. But instead it narrows the results down to a manageable thirty-two, which is not at all what I was expecting, and at first I think the computer is wrong.

It’s the top hit on the page that catches my eye, a newspaper clipping dated seventeen years ago. The headline reads Hit-and-Run Driver Kills Girl, Age Three.

It takes my breath away. My eyes can’t believe what they see. The words. The picture. The caption beneath the image that reads, in italics, Jessica Jane Sloane.

That’s me.

My hands clutch the edge of the desktop, squeezing hard, white-knuckled from the grip.

I go on to read an article that describes a child walking into traffic and being struck by a car. The car sped on, it says, leaving the girl for dead in the street. According to witness accounts, the car was going too fast, driving erratically. Assumptions were made that the driver was drunk, though no one got a good look at him or her, nor did anyone catch a glimpse of the license plate number. There were discrepancies as to the color of the car, which went to prove the unreliability of eyewitness accounts. They couldn’t be trusted. The girl, Jessica Jane Sloane, was carted to the local hospital via ambulance, and there she died.

I click back on the images tab and spy a photograph of little Jessica Sloane in a purple bathing suit. In it, she’s happy. She’s three years old.

My head spins. My fingers go numb. They lose feeling completely as I stare at the little girl’s face and think, Who is this girl and what’s she got to do with me?





eden

March 29, 1997 Egg Harbor

They say that vodka has no smell to it, and yet it was clear as day to me, the smell of it on Aaron’s breath as he dropped into bed beside me tonight, the clock trumpeting 1:13 in the morning. Over the last few weeks, I’d noticed a gradual shift in his work schedule, each night him coming home later than ever before.

At first he said nothing, just stared blankly at me when I asked if he’d had something to drink. He didn’t say yes, but he didn’t say no either, and it seemed reasonable enough to assume he had been drinking, though he need not say one way or the other because I could smell it on his breath.

It just so happened that Aaron and a couple of coworkers had stuck around for a nightcap after their shift was through. It had been a bad night, shitty was the word Aaron used, Aaron who didn’t ever used to complain. Damien was a no-show and Aaron was in the weeds all night, struggling to keep up on the line.

“It was just one for the road,” he said. “It’s not like I’m drunk, Eden. It was one drink. One stupid drink,” he said as he set the pillow over his head.

I didn’t need to remind him of the effects of alcohol on male fertility. He knew. He knew because Dr. Landry had told us all those many months before when we discussed ways to better improve Aaron’s low sperm motility.

I didn’t need to tell him how I had been alone all day, for eleven hours this time. Nearly twelve. He knew this too. He knew that I didn’t like to go to sleep until he was here, in bed beside me. He knew that most days the boredom and loneliness consumed me, and what else was there to do for those eleven or twelve hours besides think about how much I craved a baby?

I rolled over onto my side of the bed, taking the blanket with me.

“So now you’re mad?” Aaron asked as he sat there, exposed. I didn’t say yes or no but I didn’t need to say one way or the other because Aaron could see my posture, could sense me tense up in fury and rage. He tried to reach out for me, but I pulled away. He sighed. “I needed to unwind for a bit. To have a little fun,” he said by means of explanation, but it only made things worse, imagining him with coworkers, drinking vodka and having fun.