When in Rome(80)

Another pause, and I wait.

“My sisters don’t seem to be as scared of storms as I am, but they each have their own things, too. Like earlier tonight, Emily’s freak-out wasn’t actually about you. It was because she’s afraid of abandonment in a big way. And the last time I was in a relationship, I packed up and left for New York without giving anyone much notice, and I didn’t come back for a year. She’s afraid that will happen again, and I’m afraid with each and every storm that it’ll take someone I love again.”

Words feel inadequate. That was so personal it felt like blood spill. I want to find a way to convey how much I hurt with him. But I can’t, so I just take his hand and raise it to my lips where I kiss his palm. I feel his chest move with a soft hum, and when my lips release from his hand, he pulls me in close again. I never want to not be surrounded by his body. We fit perfectly together and it’s not just because our pajamas most likely came in a set.

Lightning strikes again, and loud thunder shakes the house.

“Distract me,” Noah pleads, and I can feel how fast his heart is racing. “Say something.”

He doesn’t have to hold me as tightly as he is, I would cozy up to him even if he didn’t. He might not realize it, but there’s no getting rid of me now. I run my fingers up and down his arm, feeling the fine hairs tickle my fingertips. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt this comfortable with someone before.

“Your sisters already know, but I’m obsessed with Audrey Hepburn.” I blurt my truth, not even sure why I’m nervous to tell him. But I am. My confession is a finger prick compared to his open heart surgery.

“The actress?” he asks, and I’m relieved he knows who she is, unlike his sisters.

“Yeah. The actress.” Thunder rumbles around us and the walls tremble from it. Noah’s hold doesn’t loosen. “My mom and I used to watch her movies together. It was our thing. But then after I became famous, we drifted apart, and now I feel so distant from her that I don’t know where to even begin to get that relationship back.” I pause a moment when I realize that finding a way back to my mom is something I do want to pursue. I just don’t know how. “Anyway, I continued to turn to Audrey Hepburn movies when I needed a hug or guidance. That’s why I’m here in this town with you, actually.” It sounds even more reckless than I thought when I say it out loud. “I played eenie-meenie-miney-mo with each of her movies, landed on Roman Holiday, and took it as a sign that I was supposed to escape to Rome just like Audrey’s character did because I was feeling scared and desperate. But since Italy was too far to drive…”

“You came here.”

“Right. Except I wasn’t supposed to find you here…and now, you’re Gregory Peck and don’t even realize it.”

Noah kisses my head like I didn’t just speak gibberish to him. “I like Gregory Peck. He’s a classy guy.”

“You would care about that.” I twist around and stare at the buttons on his shirt. I’m dangerously close to sobbing again, so I distract myself by counting his buttons.

He runs his palm over my cheekbone and his fingers splay into my hair. “I’ve been lying to you.”

I pause my counting on button number five. “Are you Hillbilly-Joe-serial-killer after all?”

“You really do have a lot of nicknames for me, don’t you?”

“More than I’ve even told you.”

He runs his hand through the length of my hair, and then repeats. “I do want something romantic with you. I have since I first laid eyes on you. And you’re not the only one who has developed feelings.” My heart stops. “But I’m still not ready for a relationship. I don’t see how it would work when I can’t leave my family right now until my grandma…well, anyway, I can’t leave. And you can’t stay.”

“What about—”

He knows what I’m about to say. Noah cuts me off gently, his hand cradling my jaw like he wants to soften the blow of his own words. “I can’t do long distance, Amelia.” I hate how final his voice sounds on the matter. Like he’s already contemplated it a hundred times and could never find a suitable solution. “When I had to move home for my grandma and Merritt wouldn’t come with me, I told her I’d come back to the city after I got everything situated at home. But after I was here about a month, I got a text from her that she obviously meant to send to the guy from her office she had apparently been cheating on me with for several months. It was an incriminating text to say the least, and I’ve had major trust issues since then. I don’t think another long-distance relationship is the best way to get back into dating.”

There is a part of me that wants to beg and plead. I will spend the entire night convincing him with a PowerPoint presentation that I would absolutely never cheat on him. But in the end, I stay quiet, because I don’t want to force, persuade, or manipulate Noah into anything he’s not comfortable with. He’s been through enough hurt—and I don’t blame him for wanting to avoid any possibility of it again.

Besides, I’m not completely convinced that he wouldn’t be better off with a regular woman who could put down roots right here. She’d work at The Pie Shop with him. They’d plant a vegetable garden. She’d probably love fishing, too. And most of all, she wouldn’t have to travel around the world for the next nine months. Noah deserves a secure happily ever after and I haven’t known him long enough to be sure I could give that to him. It’s a lot to have to gamble on right away when someone’s heart is on the table.