What Lies Between Us(83)

Nina uses a ladle to fill both our bowls and then hacks into the loaf. She takes a slice for herself but when I reach to help myself, her eyes narrow, which tells me that bread is not on my menu. We begin to eat in silence. The beef and potatoes are overcooked but I don’t complain. I wait a few moments before bringing up the latest development with my lump. It’s a desperate last-ditch attempt to make her see reason.

‘What do you mean, it’s tender?’ she asks, emphasising the word and looking at me as if I’m exaggerating.

‘I mean it’s sore. Over the last couple of weeks, it’s begun to ache, like a dull throbbing sensation. And I think I might have found a second one under my left arm.’

‘You either think you’ve found one or you have found one.’

‘Well then, yes, I have found what feels like another lump.’

When she doesn’t ask to verify its existence, it’s more evidence of what I’ve suspected for weeks. Nina no longer cares. But instead of feeling deflated, it strengthens my resolve and my escalating resentment towards her.

‘I thought you’d like to know; that’s why I mentioned it.’

For the first time tonight, Nina looks me directly in the eye. ‘And what do you expect me to do about it?’

Such hostility takes me aback. ‘You know what you can do,’ I say politely. ‘You can help me. We’ve tried your approach. I’ve changed my diet as you’ve asked me to, I’ve taken your herbal remedies and I’ve read the books you’ve left. But whatever this . . . these . . . things are inside me, I need professional help for them.’

Nina shrugs. ‘You didn’t want my methods to work in the first place.’

She is spoiling for a fight. It would be in my best interests to back down, but when it comes to this lump, where has that got me? No closer to seeing a doctor. So no, I decide. I’m going to fight my corner. ‘Of course I wanted them to work,’ I say. ‘But we’ve tried it your way and now it’s time to try mine.’

‘Oh come on, Maggie. Be honest. This has been your plan all along. I bet secretly you loved it when you found the first one because you saw it as your golden ticket out of here.’

‘You think I want a lump in my breast? Don’t be so ridiculous! I’m asking you to show me some compassion. I know I’ve made some awful mistakes and that you might not think of me as your mum any more, but whether you like it or not, that’s what I am. And I am also a human being who needs your help.’

‘There’s nothing I can do.’ She sniffs. ‘I warned you two years ago that you’ve made your bed and that come what may, you’ll have to lie in it. And nothing has changed. I’m sorry.’

She’s not sorry at all. And I know with certainty that at that moment, this is definitely it. Nina is never going to change her mind. ‘What have I done wrong? Because I don’t understand. I thought we’ve been getting on better over the last few weeks?’

She points her finger towards me. ‘I can see through you, Maggie, I can see straight through you. You’re like all those other women who are constantly manipulating their children, playing the guilt card, trying to get them to make choices they don’t want to make to suit their own selfish needs. Well, I’m not going to let you win this time. I won’t let any of you win. None of you are going to take him away from me again.’

I have no idea to whom she’s referring. ‘Who?’ I ask.

‘You know,’ she growls. ‘You know what people like you do.’

Something has happened since I last saw her two days ago, but I don’t know what I am being held accountable for. I should probably leave it alone, but instead, I poke the wasps’ nest with a stick. ‘I don’t Nina, I really don’t.’

‘My whole life has been shaped into how you wanted me to live. All you ever wanted is a clone who wouldn’t leave you. You didn’t want me to grow up and have the things other women my age have. You’ve robbed me of everything.’

I push my plate to one side. ‘Where is all this coming from?’

‘You’ve never really loved me. You’re too selfish.’

‘You don’t have the first clue what I have given up for you out of love.’

‘Ha!’ she scoffs. ‘You don’t know what it means to love anyone!’

I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t hold back any longer. ‘And you do?’ I snap. ‘Your heart is so poisonous and your rationale so warped that you put your need for revenge ahead of everything else, including those who care about you!’

‘How can you say you love me when you gave my baby away?’

I’m now so incensed I no longer think about what I say before it leaves my mouth. ‘I’m glad I did!’ I shout. ‘You weren’t capable of being a mother back then and what you’re doing to me is proof that you aren’t capable of being a decent human being now. I did the best thing for that little boy because in the end you would have killed him like you’re killing me. You’re too selfish to be a parent.’

It happens so fast that my eyes barely register it. Nina grabs her glass and hurls it across the room, smashing it against the wall. Pieces scatter across the carpet. ‘Selfish?’ she screams. ‘You have the nerve to call me selfish! After what you’ve done? How fucking dare you!’