What Lies Between Us(66)
I am hovering by the window waiting for her to leave when a moving car draws my attention. I think I recognise it – it looks like the same white one with the sunroof that’s been here three times before. The last time, Elsie said something that warned him off and he scuttled away with his tail between his legs. Then my house was empty, but today I believe Nina is still here. I stand on my tiptoes as he makes his way up the path, before Nina emerges to meet him halfway. Then they give each other a tight hug. This is a turn-up for the books.
I try to get a better view of my daughter and I’m noticing something different about her. She usually prefers to blend into the background with plain blouses, sweatshirts and jeans. But today she is wearing a colourful dress and heels. They walk to the car and she slips her handbag from her shoulder into the car’s footwell before climbing inside. As she closes the door, I catch her turning her head to look upwards to where she assumes I will be watching. She’s right; I am. But it doesn’t stop me edging backwards like a peeping Tom who has just been caught. Her companion’s car pulls away and they disappear up the road.
Who on earth is he? When she first put me under lock and key she couldn’t wait to tell me in minute detail about everything that went on in her life as a reminder that the world was turning without me. But this man has been conspicuously absent from her conversation.
Returning to the dressing table, I spot a small plastic tub of flaxseed that I forgot to sprinkle upon my soaked oats breakfast pot. It’s on the tray alongside a book called Fighting Cancer through Good Food and Positive Living. I roll my eyes at the title. Positive living! I skim the back of the jacket. Apparently, the author reveals how you can fight the disease simply by changing your lifestyle and diet. I don’t get past the contents page, where I see no mention of ultrasounds, biopsies, X-rays, MRI scans, chemotherapy, radiotherapy, hormone therapy or any of the other weapons I need in my arsenal to fight this thing inside me, if cancer is what it is. And chapter headings such as ‘Outdoor exercise’ and ‘Support from friends’ are as much use to me as a scuba-diving kit.
I feel my chest tighten as I think of how I’m growing ever more resentful of Nina. She is burying her head in the sand if she thinks this is the way forward. And I’ll be damned if I’m burying myself next to her. I know that every day counts. The longer I wait for a diagnosis, the more advanced it could be.
I can’t leave the damn lump alone. Half a dozen times a day I am touching it, working my way around it, moulding it with my fingers, wondering if it has gone up or down in size or remained consistent. Sometimes when it’s dead silent in here I think I can feel it growing, stretching my skin and expanding beneath the surface. Perhaps it’s like a dandelion head, casting its cancerous little seeds about my body to rest and sprout in all my nooks and crannies. Whatever this thing is, I want it out of me. And I want out of here.
I wander into the bathroom to refill my water bottles. On the way out, I notice there’s still half an inch of water left in the bath. I push down on the press-in plug but it doesn’t budge. I try again and this time the whole thing pops out from its socket. Curious, I examine the plug’s mechanism to see how it operates. My eyes light up when I take a look at what fits the two pieces together – a two-inch screw with a sharp pointed end. It’s loose so I can take it apart. Both this and Nina’s companion might be my ticket out of here.
CHAPTER 58
NINA
TWO YEARS EARLIER
I sense Dylan has arrived before I see him. I look to the glass panel in the pub door and recognise the shape of his shadow behind it. It opens and he spots me sitting at a table, alone, and waiting for him. My heart flutters as just for a second, all I see is Jon Hunter in his son’s face.
He goes by the name Bobby now, I remind myself. He approaches me with a nervous smile that replicates my own, followed by a ‘Hello.’ I have a lemonade waiting for him, alongside my own glass of the same. He removes his coat and takes a seat opposite me.
Six weeks and two days have passed since the one and only time we have met. I really wanted to see him sooner but I had so many revelations to process that it wasn’t fair on him to meet when my head was in such a state. I needed to come to terms with all I’d learned, then punish Maggie before I could allow him into my life. I wanted him to meet the best possible version of myself, and now I’m ready. After we first met I messaged him just once, promising I’d be in touch, but that he needed to give me time. And bless him, he did just that.
His eyes are directed towards the tabletop rather than towards me. I don’t blame him. He’s mustered up the courage to risk rejection twice now.
‘I wasn’t sure if I’d hear from you again,’ he begins.
‘I’m sorry,’ I reply, ‘I really am. And I’m also sorry that I left you in the pub that night without explaining why.’
‘I understand it must have been difficult for you.’
‘I panicked, but you didn’t deserve to be treated like that. Please remember, before then, I had no reason to believe you existed.’
‘It’s okay,’ he says, but I can see in his face how much my reaction hurt him, because I wear the same expression when I’ve been let down. I vow never to wound him again.
I have had a lot of time to consider the different ways I can explain my story to Bobby, but each one comes with risks. I’m desperate not to lose anyone else from my life, but I have to be honest with him. However, only up to a point. There are some truths I must be economical with. I take both of his hands in mine and clear my throat. ‘There’s a lot I need to tell you and very little of it will be easy for you to hear. So before I start, I’d like to offer you something that was taken away from me – a choice. You and I can either carry on as we are, getting to know one another, or I can explain everything and you can make up your own mind if you want to continue this.’