What I Thought Was True(65)

I should not have said, “So . . . don’t. Think clearly.”

But I did say that.

He looked at me, startled, a little blankness and a little— what was it?—in those blue, blue eyes. I didn’t take the time to





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define it. I shrugged off my shirt, pushed myself farther onto his lap and reached down for the button of his jeans.

“Gwen—”

“Shh.”

“I don’t—”

“But I do.”

And we did.

In the Bronco, afterward, we lay entangled on the passenger’s seat. Cass stretched a long arm down to the ground for his discarded parka, picked it up one-handed and draped it over us. I rested my cheek against his chest and listened to the echo of his galloping heartbeat. He slid his finger up and down from my knee to my thigh, a dreamy slow motion. I didn’t feel self-conscious or like I wanted to get away fast, the way I had with Alex. For the first time all those phrases I’d heard but never believed—“it felt right” and “you just know”—made sense.

He shifted his hand to my spine, ran slowly up the line of it, smiling a little, as though he enjoyed every bump and hollow.

He took another deep breath, then ducked his head to kiss my forehead. “Thank you.”

I didn’t think that was strange, then. It melted me even more. It seemed so Cass, born to be polite, acting as though I’d given him a gift, rather than that we’d opened one together.

I pulled his face close, nudging his cheek with mine.

“You always smell like chlorine, even when you’ve been out of the pool for ages,” I whispered.

“Probably in my pores. I swim every day.”





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“Even when the season’s over?”

“Every day.” He started twining one of my curls around his finger, letting it slip out, wrapping it again. In a strange way this seemed as intimate and personal as what we’d just done, that he still wanted to touch me, after. “Uh—we have an indoor pool . . . so . . .”

“I feel gypped on the tour. I didn’t see the pool.”

“Didn’t really think it was a great idea to point it out—in case anyone was following us. Before you know it, half the high school would have been in there with their clothes on.

Or off.”

I looked down at myself, pulled the parka up a little more, suddenly remembering how little I was wearing.

“Don’t do that,” Cass whispered. He readjusted the parka down, stroked my back with his index finger.

I buried my nose in the hollow of his throat, inhaling the chorine, the hint of salty sweat.

Then, for some reason, maybe the clean scent of him, the image of that spotless house abandoned to the rest of the partygoers, while we stayed in this bubble, came into my head.

“Are your guests going to be in there ransacking and pillag-ing your home while I’m out here waylaying the host?”

His chest shook under me. “There may be a bit of ransacking. Probably a massive treasure hunt for Dad’s liquor cabinet. And, for the record, I waylaid you.” Despite the joke, he sounded a little worried, so I sat up.

“We’d better go in.”

Semi-uncomfortable moment while I hunted for my bra,





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and he ducked his head, looking away as he tucked in, zipped his jeans. But not bad awkward, sort of nice awkward, espe-cially when he reached over to pull close my pea coat, knotting the tie at the waist, then took my hand and opened the door.

“After you.”

“You are so polite, it’s terminal,” I said. “You should see someone about this. You’re a seventeen-year-old guy. You need to do more grunting and pointing.”

“Truth? I’m feeling sorta speechless right now.”

By this time we were walking up the driveway, the sound of our feet crisping on the icy gravel. Then it happened. We must have tripped the motion detector and floodlights came on, illuminating us bright as day. Or someone flipped a switch.

I never knew which. But anyway, suddenly we were bathed in dazzling white-blue light and pummeled by the sound of clapping, cheering, hooting. “Way to go, Sundance!” shouted a voice I couldn’t identify, and there was laughter.

And then a voice I did recognize gave a long, low whistle, and Spence called, “I know I told you where to go to lose your V card, Somers. But I didn’t think you’d cash it in so fast. Nice work.”

I stumbled on the icy driveway, wobbly heel flipping, turning incredulously to Cass, while in the background there was a chorus of Ooooo’s and Were you gentle with him, Gwen’s. He was blushing so fiercely it prickled my own face with heat. And suddenly “Thank you” took on a whole new meaning. I pulled my hand from his, shaking my head, backing away, waiting for him to deny it. But instead he looked at me, then down at the ground, broad shoulders hunched. I saw it in his eyes.





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Guilt.

And everything that had felt warm and good and happy crumbled.

I walked away. What else could I do?