What Have You Done(30)

“I want to. I love you, Liam. No matter what we’ve gone through, I love you. You’re the man I want to be with for the rest of my life. You and me. Forever.”

She leaned in and kissed him slowly. He felt her lips touch his, but there was nothing he could do to take his mind off of Kerri. A part of him wished it was Kerri who was on that couch instead of his wife, and it pained him to admit that to himself. There was no love Liam could offer Vanessa that would be genuine. He backed away and stood. “I can’t,” he muttered. “Not tonight.”

Vanessa looked stunned. “Wait, what? Why? What’s wrong?”

“I just can’t do this right now. I’m sorry. I love you, but I want to just go upstairs and go to bed.”

In one swift motion, Vanessa sat up on the coach and pulled her robe closed. “You want to go to sleep?”

“I know it sounds crazy.”

“Yes, it does.”

“I’m sorry. It’s not you. There’s just too much going on at work, and I’m exhausted.”

“Work? Is that what this is about? What’s wrong with you? I set all this up, and you’re not into it? You’re tired? Last night you come home and didn’t want to be bothered. The counselor said—”

“I know what the counselor said.”

“If we’re going to rebuild our marriage, I need you here with me. I love you. Don’t you understand that?”

Vanessa tried to take his hand, but he pulled away. “I can’t. I’m going to bed.”

“You promised me. You promised you’d make it up to me for missing lunch.”

“I know. And I will. Just not tonight.”

He walked out of the living room and past the candles that had showed him the way. He could feel her staring at him, but he didn’t care. All he could think about was Kerri and the fact that he was being framed for her murder.





21

His mother opened the front door, and already the house felt different. There was a silence he hadn’t experienced before, a void of some kind. His father was dead—he knew that. But this was a different kind of emptiness. It was as if the spirit of the house—the good times and laughs and love and playfulness—had been snuffed out like the last embers of a fire that had burned for too long. There was a nothingness now, a desolation he couldn’t comprehend at his age. But he knew it was there. He could sense it, smell it. And that scared him most of all.

She walked inside without saying anything, her black heels clicking on the hardwood floors. She took off her black coat and laid it across one of the wingback chairs in the living room and then dropped her black purse on the same chair. Sean came in behind her with Liam clutching his hand so tight it made his fingers white. Both boys stopped in the foyer. Sean watched his mother as she took off the small black hat and veil that had been bobby pinned to her head and tossed it on the coffee table, where piles of bills had been strewn about. As she staggered farther inside, she stripped herself of the remaining black clothes she’d been wearing until only her satin slip and stockings covered her. He didn’t move until she disappeared into the kitchen.

Sean turned and closed the front door. The streetlights that lined the block were just beginning to come on. Dusk was upon them. The day was coming to a close. He pulled his brother upstairs and into his room to get him changed.

Liam had been quiet for most of the day. Neither of them had been allowed to attend their father’s wake, so the funeral was the first time they’d had the opportunity to experience what had been, up to that point, only words and tears from others. They hadn’t seen their father since he left that morning a few days ago to go to work. The casket at the funeral was closed. They hadn’t had a chance to properly say goodbye.

During the funeral, Sean began to cry when the woman in the balcony of the church started singing her sad songs, but Liam was quiet. Even when friends and relatives tried to console Sean, Liam was off to the side, distant, detached. Perhaps he was too young to fully understand what was happening. He knew their father was dead, but how much could a five-year-old really comprehend death? Liam hadn’t known him like Sean had, so the pain and the sadness would be limited. His little brother had been lucky in that regard.

Sean helped take off Liam’s jacket and pants and unbuttoned his tiny white dress shirt. He fished his Rugrats pajamas from one of his dresser drawers and walked over to the bed where his little brother was sitting.

“Here,” he said. “Put these on.”

“I want Mom to help me,” Liam replied quietly.

“She can’t right now. We gotta do it.”

“Why?”

“Because.”

“Because she’s sad?”

“Yeah.”

“That Dad left her?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sad too.”

Sean shook his head. “What do you know about being sad? You hardly knew him.”

“I knew Dad! I loved him.”

“Not like me and Mom. You’re too young.”

“I still miss him.”

“I know.”

Liam hopped off his bed and shuffled over to Sean in only his underwear. He hugged him and squeezed until Sean had to pull him away.

“Don’t ever leave me,” Liam whispered as he finally began to cry. “Don’t die, Sean. I don’t want you to die.”