Underneath the Sycamore Tree(61)

I lick my dry lips and reach for my water, taking my time to absorb the silence.

“How do you deal with it?” he asks once I set my glass down.

“Honestly?” I shrug. “I don’t.”

His brow quirks.

I elaborate. “Some days it’s easier than others to just let what people say bounce off me, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t bother me at all. I’m just good at pretending it doesn’t.”

There’s a tick to his jaw. “You shouldn’t have to do that at all.”

“What should I do then, Kaiden?” I ask, genuinely curious. “We’re human. We say mean, hurtful things. We’re na?ve. We’re cruel. When you’re in my shoes, something I hope you never are, you see life differently. You stop taking every day for granted because you have absolutely no clue if you’ll wake up the next morning. That may sound harsh, but it’s true.”

“Don’t say that,” he all but growls under his breath.

I raise my hands up in surrender. “You want the truth? It’s not pretty, is it? I watched Lo slip away, but there’s a big difference between witnessing and experiencing something. She never showed her pain or fear if she could help it. Instead, she acted like it couldn’t get to her until…”

“It did,” he finishes.

I nod silently.

“Are you afraid?”

Every single second, minute, and hour.

I whisper, “Wouldn’t you be?”

He could pretend he’s strong, act like nothing can touch him, but I see through him. He hurts. His father’s death still affects him. The possibility of losing his mother, even me, terrifies him. Any of us could pretend like we’re invincible and put up a front in the public eye, but behind our masks are tear-stricken faces.

Instead of answering, he rests his arms on the table and studies the room. “There have been a few deaths at Exeter. One of them was from cancer. Remember what Rachel told you on the first day? There was a girl who had Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. She’d been battling it for most of her life, but it kept coming back. It got worse her sophomore year and she ended up passing away around homecoming. There was a huge ceremony and dedication to her.”

I frown. “That’s so sad.”

He nods once. “Riley…” His voice gets raspy, so he clears it. “Riley was an old friend of mine. She was real, but she had a lot of problems nobody could help her with. Not even me. Shit, if I had known what she planned…” He stops, taking a deep breath. “People gave her shit when they found out about her disorder. No. They always messed with her. She used to be overweight, so the bullying started then. I always heard her talk about how much she wanted to lose weight so they’d leave her alone, and when she started to, she seemed happier. I didn’t know that she was starving herself to do it. Not until I realized she’d skip lunch or not snack after school like she used to. When I brought it up, she’d eat like it was no big deal.

“And then the rumors started about her throwing up at school. She’d been caught a few times by some girls who told everyone. At that point, she’d lost so much weight she looked like a walking corpse. She would eat and then disappear, but I never believed she was purging…”

His nostrils flare. “I should have done something about it, but nobody listened to me back then like they do now. I would tell people to stop screwing with her, but few people listened. Then some teachers heard the rumors and contacted her parents, and it spiraled. She couldn’t take the negative attention anymore.”

I hold my breath when I hear the sadness weighing down his words. “Kaiden?”

Our food comes and gets set in front of us, feeding the intensity of the moment. When the waitress disappears, Kaiden’s eyes meet mine.

“She committed suicide.”

My lips part.

I notice the slightest tremble of his hand resting on the table, so I reach over and put my hand on top of his. He stares like he doesn’t know what’s happening, then flips his palm and wraps his fingers around mine.

Ignoring the delicious smell of the food in front of us, I ask, “Is that why you’re set on stopping people from giving me crap at school?”

“I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

I give him an appreciative smile.

He huffs, letting go of my hand. “Guess it doesn’t matter much, does it?”

My smile disappears.

No. I guess it doesn’t.





Chapter Thirty-Two





Christmas is in a couple of weeks. Dad and Cam ask to talk to me after dinner one night, so I stay behind while Kaiden goes upstairs to get ready for another movie night.

Sometimes I wish I could read Dad better, because his features almost never change. “What is this about? Did I do something?”

Cam’s eyes widen. “Oh! No, it’s nothing like that. Your father and I were just thinking about plans for the holidays. Usually we do a family dinner here. You know, a big lunch after opening presents and all that. It’s tradition to have the entire family here for it.”

Fighting the urge to wince over the idea of their entire family doing this every year, I stare at the placemat on the table. It’s white with snowmen and reindeer on it.

Had Dad ever mentioned inviting me to their celebration? Whenever we’d talk around the holidays, he’d just wish me a good one and tell me he sent my present. It was always a gift card to Amazon, which I always took the longest to spend because I hated using anything he gave me.