Underneath the Sycamore Tree(46)

He chuckles and pushes his empty bowl away from him. “No need to be jealous, Mouse. I’m all yours.”

“What if I don’t want you?”

He shrugs.

That’s it.

Ignoring him, I eat about half my dessert before I’m full. Blotting my lips with a napkin, I ball it up and throw it into what’s left of my dish.

“You’re seriously not eating it all?”

“I’m full.”

“You barely eat.”

“You barely shut up,” I counter.

His head tips back in a loud laugh that makes his chest shake.

Marigold glares at me.

I hold her gaze.

She goes in the back.

Brushing hair behind my ear, I wet my bottom lip and study the little crumbs on the tabletop. “I thought I’d like being home. I even thought maybe Mama…” I swallow my words and toy with the spoon in my dish.

Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes. “I thought Mama was okay. Or better. Something. I don’t think she’ll ever be okay, Kaiden.”

“She seems a bit off,” he agrees quietly.

I lift my gaze. “You met her?”

He leans back in his seat. “After you fell asleep, she came in to check on you. She wouldn’t walk in the room. I told her I’d leave you two alone, but…”

“But what?”

He doesn’t say.

“But. What?” I enunciate my words clearly, an almost-growl.

“She said she couldn’t be what you needed right now,” he answers dryly. “Not sure what the hell that means, but she wouldn’t even fucking look at you when she said it. She kept looking at the other bed.”

“Lo’s bed.”

He grunts.

“Now do you get it?” I ask.

Do you get why it’s better?

Do you get why I had to leave?

Do you see I’m killing Mama?

“Yeah, Mouse,” he murmurs. “I get it.”



This time when we visit Lo’s grave, Kaiden sits beside me like I’m going to try falling asleep again. It’s colder now. I don’t want to stay long, much less curl up on the cold, hard ground.

Legs crossed under me, I tuck my bare hands in the soft lining of my jacket pockets. “I used to love coming here and talking to Logan about my day. If our old friends did something that annoyed me, I’d vent to her about it. After she died, everyone just moved on like it was no big deal. It seemed like I was the only one who really missed her.”

One of Lo’s closest friends was part of the cheer squad with us. Ria Chaplin. I always thought she was annoying, but Lo loved her. Sometimes I think more than me. I even remember Lo ditching our plans after school to hang out at Ria’s house with some of the other girls from the squad. They never invited me, but Lo would always tell me about the silly games they’d play and gossip they’d hear from Ria’s older sister after Mama brought her home.

Ria used to tell Logan she thought I was holding her back. I overheard them talking after practice one day about me not being as talented. I never wanted to join the team, I did it for Lo. She begged me to do it with her. There was no denying that my passion for cheer didn’t come close to matching hers.

I shake my head, running my tongue over my top teeth. “This one girl went to the funeral with her mother, but she wouldn’t even come over and talk to me. Some of the girls from the squad were in the back and all they talked about was how they wanted to leave.”

Kaiden shifts, resting an arm over his knee. “Maybe they weren’t handling it well.”

My jaw ticks. “They handled it just fine. Ria mentioned wanting to go to McDonald’s to get a shake before they all went home. I couldn’t eat for a month, and she wanted to go get a shake.”

He’s quiet.

My eyes graze over Lo’s grave before slowly making their way back to Kaiden. He’s watching me with no clear emotion on his face. At least there isn’t pity.

“Do you visit your dad?”

His eyes cast downward. “Yeah.”

I nod.

“Maybe you’re right.” I sigh. “Maybe the girls just didn’t know how to cope and I’ve been irritated with them since. Does it make me a bad person to like bad mouthing them to Lo? She thought Ria and them were great.”

He chuckles. “Nah, there’s worse you could say about people.”

“Like?”

He simply shrugs again.

I pull my knees up to my chest and rest my chin on them. “I think Logan is around sometimes. Like when I’m having a bad day or something, it’s like I feel her. In the wind. The sun. In music.” I angle my body toward him slightly. “Do you ever feel that?”

His eyes are unblinking. “No.”

I can’t tell if he’s lying or not. I wish there was a telltale sign, like a twitching eyebrow or a lingering gaze. It’s almost like he’s mastered the skill—like he’s had years of practice. How long as he lied to himself?

My head tips back up to the sky. “I read an article about people coming back as other things. This one time, a woman was doing a maternity photoshoot and a ladybug landed on her. The photographer snapped a picture when the woman explained her late mother loved ladybugs. Then, during the baby’s cake smashing photoshoot over a year later, a ladybug landed on his overalls. They got a picture of that too.”