Tragic Bonds (The Bonds That Tie #5)(59)

Still, he says nothing.

And still, even though he already knew what I'd done, the shame keeps my mouth sealed shut when the door opens to the bathroom and the shower cuts on.

I let go of the breath I was holding in, melting into the bed with the sheer relief that he isn't going to force me to talk about this or to force me to get out of this bed and face the fact that my Bonded are sickened by me.

The sound of the shower slowly lulls just enough calm into me until I'm finally able to doze off to sleep. I wake up to the feeling of Nox sliding into the bed next to me, cautiously bundling me up into his arms until we’re twisted around each other. It’s as though he’s not quite sure of what he’s doing or if he’s doing it right. If I wasn’t already completely shattered, that would have finished the job.

A low sob bubbles up out of my chest, but he just presses my face closer into his chest, the steady thump of his heartbeat under my ear a mesmerizing sound that once again gets me back to sleep.

Hours later—how many, I'm not sure. The complete darkness of Nox's room is disorienting. I feel the bed move again, and I crack an eye open to find North climbing in.

The shadow creatures around us are no longer sleeping, all of them watching him carefully as though they're waiting for him to strike, but he doesn't reach for me or attempt to speak in any way. He just lies down in the bed next to us silently, until eventually the shadow creatures all lay their heads back down to sleep.

The silence stretches on for so long that I start to panic again.

I think it’s that panic that finally gets North talking. “I know what it's like to kill someone without meaning to. It's a heavy weight to carry, Oleander.”

If I didn't already know the amount of trust that Nox has in his brother, this moment would confirm it because he sleeps through the sound of his voice. I'm not sure he'll sleep through mine, so instead, I speak to North directly through our mind connection.

She deserved to die. My parents didn't. There's a very big difference between the two, North. I know that this changes things—

He interrupts me and even the voice in his mind is harsh, This changes nothing. Not with me or any of the rest of your Bonded, who are all out in the hallway, freaking the hell out about your reaction to this. I misjudged how you’d react. This is all my fault. All I've done since you brought Nox back is mess things up.

Tears fill my eyes, but when the first one threatens to fall, he reaches over to catch it. Even in the darkness of the room, I can see the heartbreak in his eyes. I want to reach out to him to fix it the same way that he has soothed every fear and pain and trouble in my life from the moment he decided to let me in.

Some long before that.

But I don't want to pull away from Nox. The sound of his heartbeat is the only thing holding me together right now, and I’m terrified to let that go, even for a minute, but North knows.

He always knows.

He nods at me without me saying a word, giving and giving and giving to his brother without question or judgment, giving everything he can to him, as though he is attempting to fill a void. He’d give everything to me as well. Even in my panicked state, I can’t deny it now with him lying here with me. He’d give everything until he had nothing left for himself, I’m sure of it.





Chapter Eighteen





Nox



I don’t like sharing my bed with anyone.

There’s never been an exception to that rule.

The idea of having another body lying with my own all night is abhorrent, exposing in all of the worst ways, and I was never going to take the risk of having a nightmare and my shadow creatures tearing someone apart just because of the demons in my head. The only person I had ever let enter my rooms before all of this Bonding shit was North, and only because there’s a small part of me that feels as though I owe him.

He carries a lot of weight on his shoulders, thanks to me.

The only reason I had allowed Oleander to sleep in my bed, both back at the Draven mansion and here in the Sanctuary, was because my bond had insisted on it. I’d fought it every step of the way. In the end, the threats it had whispered to me, the things it had promised to do the moment it took control of my body, all of it was more than enough to have me conceding on this one issue, cracking the door open just the tiniest bit to let her peer into the space I take up in this dark hellhole of mine. I was so sure that I would stay firm in my beliefs and keep her out of my head.

I was wrong.

I’m also glad I was wrong.

I wake up next to Oleander, her face turned in towards mine even with North wrapped around her like a blanket. Her lips are so close to mine, close enough that when she sighs in her sleep, I feel her breath like a caress over my skin. The neck of the shirt that she’s wearing is pulled low on her body and shows off the smooth lines of her neck and shoulder.

I want to ruin the skin there, mark her up, make sure that when she walks out of this room, everyone knows exactly who it is that she belongs to. I want to keep her here all day, to own her time and her body and every last one of her thoughts the way that she’s come to own mine.

I want all of those things to myself, and my brother lying in the bed with us is the only thing that stops me.

There’s a text message from Gryphon waiting for me on my phone, a reminder that we have a debrief waiting for us this morning about the meeting with the non-Gifted leaders. I’ve found more than enough references to the void-eyed gods in the new documents that need to be discussed, so as much as I loathe sitting around talking about shit instead of doing something about it, I’m eager to get to this debrief.