To Love and Be Loved(96)

‘Yeah, but he picked the best sister, didn’t you, Jarv?’ Ruby yelled comically from the leather chair in which she rocked her little one.

‘I did, my love.’ He winked at Merrin. ‘I certainly did.’

Ruby beamed, wrapped in the bubble of love that had surrounded her, Jarvis and Katie-Ellen since the baby had arrived with much fanfare in the middle of the night some eleven months ago.

Merrin had laughed, happy how they could talk freely, jest freely, without repercussions. Looking after each other. Holding each other close. Just as their dad had asked.

It was still unbelievable and incredible to her that the Old Boat Shed was hers. The plans had been drawn for an ‘upside down’ house with the living room and kitchen on the first floor to take full advantage of the unrivalled view, with bedrooms and a bathroom below. It had the potential to become a home beyond her wildest dreams. And during construction, Heather had been more than happy to have her ensconced back in her old bedroom. Merrin remembered her saying how she only slept well when everyone she loved was under her roof. And even when she moved out, at least she could still see the front door of the cottage from the side of this balcony and Ruby, Jarvis and baby Katie-Ellen were only on the other side of Heather’s wall.

She closed her eyes and felt the pull of fatigue, but shook it off, knowing the newly plastered walls were not going to paint themselves. All she needed to do was tear herself away from the view that was all hers.

The sharp ring of her phone roused her.

‘Can’t believe Glynn’s going to be two soon.’ This Bella’s opener.

‘Me either,’ she yawned. ‘This last year has flown by, hasn’t it?’

‘Sure has. Where are you?’

‘Where do you think I am?’

‘Yeah, stupid question. How long till you move in? And more importantly, how long before the house-warming?’ Bella asked eagerly.

‘I reckon another couple of months and one day. It’s going to be beautiful.’

‘It is. Your mum seemed on good form today. I saw her in the shop.’

‘I think it’s harder for her to feel low with Katie-Ellen around.’ It was true, the baby girl had given Heather a wonderful, much-needed lift, though even the little latest addition could not entirely fill the void left by Ben. ‘And I know I’m biased, Bells, but she is the sweetest little thing ever.’

‘She is that.’

‘Ruby said last week that she’s planning for her and Glynn to marry. Jarvis shot us a look that made me think he wasn’t quite so on board with the idea.’ Merrin laughed.

‘She’ll marry who she chooses. Maybe she won’t marry at all.’

She thought of Digby and his face in the corridor, his apology, and now she was able to consider it with time passed, it meant the world. And this in turn led to an image of Miguel, beautiful, kind Miguel . . . she wished him well.

‘I liked Miguel.’ Bella read her thoughts.

‘I liked Miguel! It was never about not liking him, it was about not loving him.’

‘He loved you,’ Bella stated.

‘Yep, I think he did, but I guess that kind of sums it up.’

‘What do you mean?’ She heard Bella reach for a crisp and cram it in her mouth, speaking through the crunch.

‘I mean, the idea that he was happy loving me without digging deep, without truly understanding how I felt about him. I get the impression that the way he loved me was enough for him.’

‘Wasn’t it like that for you and Digby? Wouldn’t you have waltzed back to him had he welcomed you with open arms when you went to meet him up at Reunion Point?’

‘That’s different.’ She blinked.

‘How?’ Bella crunched another crisp.

‘Because he sold me the dream! He told me he loved me deeply, unconditionally, and I fell for it. With Miguel I never told him that. I thought I was straight with him.’

‘But he hoped for something different.’

‘I guess, and how can we account for someone’s hope? How are we supposed to modify our behaviour to take that into account?’ She wondered if her friend was thinking about Luuk.

‘I guess you can’t.’ Bella paused. ‘Lots of women would jump at the chance to marry a guy like Miguel: good-looking, kind, sociable . . .’

‘I know all of that, but loving someone is so much more than that, isn’t it? It’s about that magic ingredient that you can’t define, something that sets a person apart from everyone else you know – to the point where no one else exists or could exist for you romantically.’

‘And you didn’t feel that for him?’ Bella’s tone was soft, as if she understood that feeling.

Merrin shook her head. ‘Not even close, and I wish I had, because on paper . . .’

‘Oh, on paper!’ Bella interrupted sharply. ‘On paper I should be living in domestic bliss with my handsome yachtsman and our beautiful boy, but in reality, he’s sunning himself in warmer climes and I’m sat here, sleep deprived and eating cheese-and-onion crisps. Life sucks sometimes!’

‘Sometimes it does.’ Merrin drew a slow breath. ‘It’s not logical, love, is it? You can’t really define it and you can’t really explain it. You can’t chase it or hold on to it and yet sometimes you can’t let it go.’