Three Things About Elsie(98)

‘Give them something else to think about,’ she said. As though any thought in our minds could be taken out and immediately replaced with another.

I saw Simon frown, but he didn’t say anything.

Scrabble, they decided on, in the end. Elsie wasn’t there, and I don’t think for one second she’d be particularly disappointed to have missed out. There were four of us, people I didn’t know or had never spoken to, all sitting round the big table, staring at letters spread out in front of us on a little rack. Simon and Miss Ambrose and Gloria all walked around the table, leaning over our shoulders and rearranging the letters and making suggestions. I didn’t know why they couldn’t just play the game themselves, and let us go back to staring into a television set.

They had arguments about which words were allowed and which weren’t, and when the woman from number seven asked why some letters were worth more than others, it led to a debate that went on for fifteen minutes. I just looked across at the chair Jack used to sit in. No one had used it since. It felt like trespassing, even though we all knew he’d never sit there again. I suppose when someone finally did, it would be the end of a chapter, because it would mean we’d all moved on, and he had been left behind in the past.

‘You’ve got some good letters there, Florence.’ Simon looked over my shoulder. ‘Have you found any words, yet?’

I hadn’t even looked at the tiles.

‘Car, star, acts,’ he said.

He reached over and moved all the tiles around. ‘You’ve got a six, look: tiaras.’

Simon seemed very pleased with himself.

‘Oh, I think we can do even better than that, young man.’

It was Ronnie. I could feel his breath on the back of my neck. I wanted to turn around, but I couldn’t, because if I did, he’d see the fear in my eyes and then he’d know straight away that the game was over.

‘I can’t see a seven,’ said Simon. ‘Is there a seven?’

I could hear Ronnie smiling. ‘There is, but I think it’s best if we let Florence find it for herself, don’t you?’

I felt Ronnie’s hand rest on my shoulder.

‘Don’t think I’m going to help you,’ he said.

‘What?’ I spoke without turning. ‘What did you just say?’

‘I said,’ his breath was a little closer, his voice just short of a whisper, ‘don’t think I’m going to help you.’

The room felt very far away. Miss Ambrose talking to someone, and the scream of the television set in the corner, and Jack’s empty chair, waiting to be used again. It was as if I was watching it from the ceiling, or the next room, or somewhere in the future. A tangle of colour and light, and confusion, that didn’t seem to belong to me any more, and so I stood.

‘I don’t want to play this game now,’ I said. ‘I’ve changed my mind.’

‘But you’ve only just started,’ I heard Ronnie say. ‘Don’t give up before it’s over.’

‘Sit down, Flo.’ Simon straightened the tiles. ‘You’re doing really well.’

‘I don’t have to play. I can do whatever I want, and I want to leave now.’ When I turned, I caught the edge of the board, and all the letters scattered to the floor.

‘Now look what you’ve done.’ Simon crouched down and started collecting them up. ‘They’ve gone everywhere.’

When I looked up, I was staring right into Ronnie’s eyes.

‘It was you,’ I said. ‘Wasn’t it?’

He didn’t reply.

‘I knew it was. I knew it was you.’ I think I was shouting, because Simon stood and frowned at us both.

‘You’re right, Florence. It was me,’ Ronnie said. He glanced at Simon, who was frowning at us even more. ‘I caught the edge of the table, I was the one who upset the board.’

‘Right.’ Simon put the tiles back on to the table. ‘I see. Although I think you’ll find it was actually Florence.’

‘It might look that way.’ Ronnie reached out and patted my shoulder. ‘But it’s just a case of mistaken identity,’ he said. ‘Isn’t it, Florence?’

‘I really wish you’d stay, Florence.’ Miss Ambrose had picked up the last of the tiles from the carpet. ‘I’d feel much more comfortable if you were over here, with us.’

‘I want to go back. I don’t want to be in this place any more.’ I pulled the coat around my shoulders. ‘I’ve had enough.’

‘I can’t force you,’ she said. ‘But we’re all here, if you change your mind.’

I wasn’t going to change my mind. I’d had a bellyful of small conversations and side plates, and games of Scrabble. I looked for Elsie on my way out, but she was nowhere to be seen, and so I left Miss Ambrose and the sound of people carrying on with their lives, and I started walking down the corridor towards the courtyard.

I knew he was behind me.

I knew before I even looked.

‘Haven’t you got time for one more game?’ he shouted.

I stopped. I turned. I walked back until I was so close to him, I couldn’t take even one step more.

‘It was you, wasn’t it?’ I said. ‘All of it.’