The Wedding Veil(93)
“I know you have most of the power here,” Jack said. “I’m not stupid. But, Nelly, we have to make these decisions together. I can’t be told what the rest of my life will be like. I can’t be told I can’t see my children.”
Something broke inside Cornelia when he said that, the idea of actually being separated from her children searing through her. But this was just a test run, she reasoned. And she believed with all her heart that she had been given every advantage on earth, and she should pass every advantage along to her children. People in their world sent their sons to the finest schools. She could certainly afford to do it. And she would.
That was what she told herself. But somewhere, deep down, she knew she simply needed to be free from all the trappings and stresses of her life. She needed to be alone.
“I will not take them away from you, Jack. I promise. You are a wonderful father. They need you. But we’ve talked about this before. I know you must agree that they deserve the best.”
He nodded and, for a few moments, was silent. “Nelly, I get that you’re going through something here, and I have tried to help. I really have. But if you are leaving me, could you please just tell me?”
Something caught in Cornelia’s throat. Leaving him. That was what she was doing, wasn’t it? She had realized she was leaving the United States. She had realized she was leaving her family home and all it had meant to her. She had hoped that, by being away, she could escape from the mounting and unrelenting pressure of keeping up this boulder of a house that had turned her life into a daily avalanche. But had she really meant to leave Jack? She gazed at his handsome face, his groomed mustache, his spotless suit. There was no doubt Jack was part of a past Cornelia was moving away from. He didn’t fit into the world she imagined for herself, the world of freedom and happiness, art and humanity. But leaving him was a big decision. “Jack, I’m not leaving you. I’m leaving me.” Concern passed across his face, but she liked the way it sounded.
“I have worked too hard here. Your mother and I have,” he said. “I cannot leave Biltmore for good. I won’t.”
“No one would ever ask you to leave Biltmore,” she said.
Jack and her mother. Were they the solution? Or had they been the problem? Had they kept her locked tight in this massive cage originally constructed by her father? She would find out, she guessed. That was what this journey was all about.
Her pink hair matted against the train seat, Leaving me, leaving me bounced around in her head as she closed her eyes. She could see why Jack would be concerned, but Cornelia didn’t want to die. No. Quite the contrary. She wanted to live.
The seat jostled, and she opened her eyes hesitantly to see a rather unfashionable woman sit down in the seat across from her. “This sure is a full train,” she said.
Her irritation immediately turned to joy at having someone to share the journey with. Sharing this earthly journey. Wasn’t that what she was trying to do?
“Hello,” she said, “I’m Nilcha.” Cornelia’s numerologist had long tried to persuade her to change her name, but it hadn’t felt right until this exact moment. At home, she was Cornelia of Biltmore. On this train, she was Nilcha of Nowhere.
“I’m Gladys,” the woman replied. “How do you do?”
Cornelia smiled kindly.
“Are you getting married?”
Cornelia looked down at her lap and realized she was petting the yards and yards of crumpled tulle like a lapdog. “No,” she said. “Far from it. I got married long ago.” She couldn’t say why she had brought the veil, why, out of the few possessions she had gathered for this trip, she’d packed something so useless. But it was a symbol of her mother and grandmother, her aunts, the feminine divine from which she had come. She wanted to hold that close, had needed its power to walk out the door, to find her truth, to create a path and a way forward that hadn’t been available to the other women in her family.
“My sweetheart proposed,” Gladys said conspiratorially. “But I just don’t know what to say. I can’t say no. It would break his heart. But can I say yes?”
“I’m not sure,” Cornelia said. “Is he your truth?”
Gladys looked at Cornelia sideways. “If you mean do I truly love him, then yes, I think I do. But I’ve seen people be unhappy for all their lives. It seems like a big risk to take.”
“Everything is a risk, Gladys. Everything.”
She looked confused again. But Cornelia was feeling less so by the minute. A risk. That’s what she was taking here. A risk to find herself again, to right her place in the universe. Maybe she would go back to Biltmore. Maybe she would find an answer in England of how to fix the problem of the house. Maybe she could restore it to its former glory. Just maybe.
But, then again, didn’t growth require separation? What was keeping Cornelia tethered to the past? What was tying her there and causing all this anxiety? She looked down at her lap. This veil, for one thing. Yes, it was a symbol of the women in her family whom she admired. But it was also a symbol of this great love between her parents that she could never live up to. It was a visible sign that she was failing at marriage. It was a sign that she was failing Jack. Failing the legacy she’d inherited. Feeling strong and brave, feeling the need to break free from all the chains of the past, Cornelia smiled at Gladys and handed her what was arguably her most priceless possession.