The Tyrant Alpha's Rejected Mate (Five Packs #1)(72)

A memory bubbles up in my consciousness, another bed with a soft quilt, a woman slumped and snoring by a fire, but the past is murky and far away, and maybe it’s better to turn my face further into the pillow and close my eyes.

“Goodnight, Una. It’s all right. Whatever you’re worried about, you can worry about it tomorrow.” Killian’s voice rumbles in the dark.

And I do what he says. I let go.

I wake up hours later in the pitch black, panting. I know immediately where I am. Killian’s bed. He’s beside me. Closer. Awake.

I’m wet. Aching. My bra is twisted under my shirt, and my skirt’s hiked, making an uncomfortable lump under my butt. The waistline digs into the flesh above my hip bones. And I’m wearing my socks. I hate wearing socks to bed. My feet are hot. Everything’s hot.

And there’s something lodged in my chest. Between my breasts. It’s not my heart, but it pulses. Slow. Steady. Insistent.

I push my palm against it as if that could stop it, but even with my brain cranking too slowly into gear, I know. It’s the bond. It’s all the way back.

No.

It can’t be.

I sit straight up. I’m sweating, and I can’t see a damn thing. I yank my collar away from my neck as if that’ll help me catch my breath, but the problem isn’t in my throat or lungs, it’s in my head.

There’s going to be terrible pain. I won’t be able to handle it. I’ll break.

Killian eases up to sit against the headboard. I sense the movement more than I see it.

“It’s okay,” he says.

“No, it’s not.”

“You’re safe.”

I laugh, and it has a hysterical edge.

“I’m not going to hurt you.”

“Again?” I try to straighten my bra, but it’s hopeless. The wire’s twisted to hell.

“Yes. Never again.”

“I hate you.” It comes out a sob. Nothing’s right. My skin is raw, and it’s too stuffy in here.

He takes a second to reply. “Yeah. I guess you would.”

“I don’t want a mate.”

“I do.”

I— My brain kind of stutters. Males always complain about being tied down and leg-shackled and ball-and-chained. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard the older males wistfully expound on how Killian Kelly is the luckiest shifter alive—alpha, unmated, and drowning in eager pussy.

The only reason most males seem to want mates at all is to have pups and nail down their rank.

“You want young.” I’m not disappointed. I have no expectation that Killian is different from any other male.

“That’s part of it. I won’t lie.” He rolls to his side, folding a pillow and sticking it behind his head. “But I always wanted my female. The one who was mine, you know? Only mine.”

He reaches out and flicks the tip of my braid. It’s an unraveling, tangled mess. I don’t know how the band is still there.

“Is that why you hook up with all the—everybody?” Not me, though. He never looked at me twice.

He shrugs. “They offer. I don’t always turn it down. Didn’t see the harm.”

He’s only being honest. I have no right to feel hurt. His love life or whatever you want to call it is not my concern.

I distract myself by smoothing my skirt. I liked the texture when I put it on. Corduroy is cozy. But now, the fabric is annoying. Too swishy when it rubs.

“The other females upset you,” he says.

“It’s not my business.”

“It is. I’m your mate.”

“Well, it’s not like I can do anything about it.”

“That’s over now. You know that, right? You’re it.”

“I’m not asking you to, um, stop, uh—” I don’t know why my face is on fire. He can’t see me. And we’re both adults. We have pasts. It’s normal.

“You don’t have to ask. I’m telling you. You don’t have to worry. Even if you never let me in, Una, I’m not gonna disrespect you. I’m in.”

My mouth opens, but I forget what I was going to say.

He props his head on his hand. “You don’t understand. I’ve waited, Una.”

Bull crap. I’ve seen Haisley hanging on him, her hand shuttling back and forth under the water in the lake after a midnight run. And I’ve seen Rowan saunter out of the sauna, wiping her mouth, and Killian coming out a minute later, tugging up his shorts. He hasn’t waited for anything.

“You don’t believe me,” he says.

“I don’t understand what you mean. Waited for what?”

He exhales. “I don’t know if it even makes a difference. I mean, I didn’t touch a female for a long time. I figured my mate would come, right? After I put the pack to rights. So, I won some fights. Trained up Ivo and Tye so we’ve got enough money coming in to keep the kitchen stocked for the winter. And I figured now I’ll get my mate.”

He laughs, short and bitter. “Didn’t happen. Then when I shut down that shit that went on in the lodge basement. And behind the commissary. I figured now it’ll happen for me.”

He looks over. It’s dark, but I can make out his eyes. They gleam pale blue. “After a while, I figured I had no mate. The crone said ‘your path follows a different way.’ What the hell does that mean?”