The Two Lives of Lydia Bird(58)

‘Tea?’ I ask.

Elle scrubs her dark fringe out of her eyes with the flat of her palm. ‘Because I’m not hot enough already?’

I bust out a line of ‘Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?’, even though I know it’s only going to make her scowl even more.

‘I’ll never look hot again,’ she moans.

‘Get over yourself,’ I laugh. ‘Iced water?’

She shrugs with grudging acceptance. ‘Even though I’ll need a wee straight after and I won’t be able to get up off this bloody sofa.’

‘I’ll heave you up,’ I say, heading for the kitchen. It hasn’t escaped my notice that our roles have slowly switched round since Elle became pregnant. Last year she pretty much kept me sane; this year I’m trying to return the kindness. In her early months I kept her supply of ginger biscuits replenished, and lately there are always ice cubes ready in my freezer because she’s perma-hot regardless of the weather. I know David appreciates it too; safety in numbers, as he muttered to me darkly a couple of weeks ago, plus his job pulls him away from home sometimes for a few days at a time. Selfishly, it fills my hours. I appreciate having someone else to focus on instead of relentless dinners for one and what-to-do-at-the-weekend decisions. I never realized quite how dependent I’d allowed myself to become on Freddie. It’s only now I have to make every last exhausting decision on my own that I understand how much easier it is to have someone to share the daily load with, even if it’s as simple as what’s for dinner. Although in point of fact that was something I used to decide for us both. But having no one else to ask or cook for has made the decision so much duller that sometimes I just can’t be bothered and have toast. Or a glass of wine. I’m working on it.

‘What’s this?’

I turn at the sound of Elle’s voice behind me. I didn’t hear her come through from the living room, and I also didn’t think to hide the note from Kris that’s been behind the cups on my kitchen shelf, unacted upon ever since I met him at the silent dating event. I don’t know what to do about him, to be honest. I tried to bin the note and then couldn’t bring myself to drop it in amongst the bottles and empty tins, and because I couldn’t figure out why, I shoved it behind things on the shelf and left it up there to its own devices. A bad plan, as it turns out, because it’s decided that the thing to do is to slide out from behind the cups and lie face up on the dresser for all to see. Or more specifically, for Elle to see.

‘Who’s Kris?’

I stand still and stare at her, the freezer still wide open, blasting me with iced air. It does nothing to soothe the heat from my cheeks.

‘He’s no one.’ I decide to say as little as possible.

‘Umm, no,’ she says, her eyes scanning the note again. ‘He’s someone who’d like to buy you a cup of coffee.’

I put her glass down on the table and close the freezer, taking my time.

‘I haven’t done anything wrong,’ I blurt.

Elle takes a seat and pulls the water across the table towards her. ‘Sit down a sec, Lyds,’ she says.

I don’t want to sit down, and I don’t want to talk about the note, but I do as she’s asked because she’s got a steely glint in her eye and she’s rubbing her bump in a menacing way.

‘Tell me all about it,’ she says, firm.

I squirm as if I’ve been held back after class by the teacher to explain a note that has been passed across the desks. I blink, too fast, and then let out a long, slow sigh.

‘He was just some guy from a silent dating event.’

Surprise widens Elle’s eyes. ‘You went to a dating event? When? Where?’

I roll my eyes, exasperated. ‘Of course I bloody didn’t. It was something I organized at the town hall. I was doing my job, Elle, that was all. I didn’t intend to take part, but then a woman dropped out at literally the last minute and someone had to stand in. It was me, me or me. I didn’t have any option, and I certainly didn’t have any fun either.’

I don’t intend to sound sharp, but I do.

‘Don’t do that,’ Elle says, her eyes serious.

‘Do what? I didn’t do anything. I just sat and looked at each of them for a couple of gormless minutes, moved around the room as instructed, and that was that, end of story.’

‘That’s not what I mean, you numpty,’ she says, and I can see the glitter of unspilled tears when she raises her eyes to the ceiling and shakes her head.

‘Don’t tell anyone?’ I say, feeling ten kinds of disloyal. ‘Especially not Mum.’

Elle sucks her cheeks in, exasperated. ‘For God’s sake, Lydia, I’m not mad at you, or judging you, or thinking bad things about you, if that’s what you think,’ she says.

She’s hit the nail on the head of course. Great, I think I’m going to cry.

‘You know I wouldn’t have said yes to standing in at that event if Freddie was still here, right?’

She reaches out for my hand, tears sliding down her cheeks.

‘And you know you don’t even need to ask me that,’ she says. ‘But the fact is he isn’t here, and you’re too young to be on your own all of the time. We worry about you.’

‘I’m not on my own,’ I gulp. ‘I’ve got you and Mum and there’ll be the baby soon. And I’m busy at work with, you know, doing stuff …’ I trail off because I can hear how woeful it sounds. I’ve other friends, of course, but Elle has always filled the best-friend role too well for me to need anyone else. If I wasn’t with her, I was usually with Freddie. My life was full to the brim with my tight circle of people; I never anticipated a time when Freddie would be gone, Elle would be about to start her own family and I’d be knocking around my empty house having wine for dinner.