The Two-Family House(41)

“But I didn’t do anything wrong! You’re making it sound like I committed a crime!”

Judith’s mother finally chimed in. “How could we let you move all the way to Pennsylvania? You’re only seventeen years old!”

“But I wouldn’t be living by myself. I’d be in a dormitory with supervision and curfews.”

“A curfew does not take the place of a mother.”

“Of course it doesn’t, I’m just trying to explain—”

“You can explain to Mrs. Morhardt, then, on Monday morning,” Mort interrupted. Judith did not like the tone of finality in his voice. What had he decided?

“What should I tell her? She thinks I’m graduating.”

“Then tell her you’ll be graduating. And that you will be joining your cousin Harry at City College in the fall.”

“But—”

“It’s your choice. You can go to City College in the fall, or you can go to high school for another year. It doesn’t make any difference to me. If you choose to go to college you will live at home, and you and Harry can take the train together into Manhattan for your classes.”

“What about Barnard? It’s in New York too. I’ll live at home and—”

“Why should I pay for you to attend a private college when City College is free?”

“They have a wonderful writing program there and Mrs. Morhardt said there are scholarships.”

Her father looked at her with absolute contempt. “Do you honestly think you’re going to be some sort of famous writer?”

Judith didn’t answer, so he continued, “Half the girls in your school will be headed to a steno pool when they graduate and the other half will be headed down the aisle. You are one of the few who will have the privilege of a college education. I hope you know how lucky you are.” He got up from the table. “I’m going for a walk,” he said, taking his coat from the peg on the wall. He opened the kitchen door and walked out, letting the door slam shut behind him.

Judith’s mother folded the letters neatly and placed them in their respective envelopes. She passed them across the table to Judith without a single word, rose from her seat and went into her bedroom.

Judith contemplated ripping up the letters or throwing them away, but she couldn’t bring herself to destroy them. The college stationery was too elegant, the envelopes too crisp. She ran her finger over the raised crest on the Barnard letter. Had she been naive to assume she belonged there? She felt foolish now, and relieved she hadn’t told any of the girls at school her secret.

She would write to the colleges tomorrow. She would tell them how sorry she was that she could not attend, but that personal matters prevented her. That was the right thing to say, wasn’t it? But she would keep the letters. She’d put them somewhere safe, maybe in a scrapbook or a keepsake box. And one day, when she was an adult with her own house and her own family, she would take them out and pass them around, and the people who loved her would look at them and be proud.





Chapter 31





ROSE


(June 1952)

Rose didn’t understand why Judith needed to leave for the graduation ceremony so early. If it didn’t start until ten, why did Judith insist on leaving the house at nine? “The students have to get there early to line up,” she explained to Rose. “We’re not allowed to sit with our families. I’ll see you there.”

Rose sighed. There were so many things about Judith that she didn’t understand. For one thing, she couldn’t comprehend why her daughter got so upset when Mort told her she couldn’t go to Barnard. Was it really worth it to pay all that extra money just for a fancier diploma? For that matter, why did Judith have to go to college when she was still so young? What was the rush?

“I feel like I’m going round in circles in high school,” Judith told her. “I just want the next part of my life to start.” Judith probably thought her mother had no idea what she meant. But it was the first thing Judith had said in a long time that made sense to Rose. For years, she had felt like she was running around in circles too. She had spent the first part of her married life wasting energy on an impossible task. It was only now that she realized how unattainable her goal had been. Mort would never be happy. There was no test she could pass that would change him.

In the years that followed, Rose nursed her grief with a heady tonic of remorse mixed with the resentment that stemmed from the burden of Helen’s constant surveillance. There was no comfort for her in this bitter concoction, but she nearly drowned herself in it just the same.

If Judith’s new start would be going to college, Rose’s new start would come from leaving the house on Christopher Avenue. As she cleaned out the closets and got rid of her family’s worn-out belongings, she pictured an internal purging as well, of her own worst thoughts and habits. When she taped up the boxes of china and crystal her mother had given her, she was Pandora in reverse, putting away her worst anxieties and failures, withholding only hope. She understood the desire for a clean slate more than Judith would ever know.

The graduation that morning was to be held in the high school gymnasium, and there were barely enough seats for everyone in the crowd. It was warm for June, and sitting with Teddy on her lap only made Rose feel more smothered.