The Things We Cannot Say(57)

“I don’t know what you mean, Mama,” I whispered, as innocently as I could manage given adrenaline had once again flooded my system and my heart was thundering all over again, but then she smacked me on the back of the head and muttered something under her breath that sounded suspiciously like I’m not an idiot.

“When did he come back?” she asked flatly.

My heart was thumping so hard against my chest that I was sure she could hear it.

“I—”

“Alina, Tomasz is back, and he’s in hiding. Am I right? Prayer for the country at war,” she scoffed. I stared at her in shock, but then she chuckled. “Even if we hadn’t already suspected, we’d have soon figured it out when you insisted on going to the hill when it was raining.” Her gaze softened just a little, and she murmured, “I was eighteen and in love too, once upon a time.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you knew?”

“Well, to be honest, I was scared to. I wasn’t sure why you or he would ever think it was a good idea to hide him from us, so I was waiting for you to tell me what was going on. In the meantime, I decided I would stay close by in the field in case I heard signs of trouble...and it is fortunate for you that I did, given what happened today.”

I felt nauseous then, and as I lifted the tea to my mouth, my hands shook a little. Mama and I waited in silence for a while, then she asked me, “You must tell me now, Alina. Why is he hiding?”

I looked at her in alarm.

“I don’t know,” I lied. She raised her eyebrows at me, and saw all the way through me with one of her stares. I felt my face flush, and I started to sweat. “I don’t!”

“Is it the resistance?” she asked, and she leaned back in her chair and added casually, “Or has he tried to help some of those in hiding?”

I didn’t say a word, but she must have read the truth on my face. She grunted, and it sounded a lot like approval. I looked at her in surprise.

“Mama?”

“What?”

“If... I’m not saying he is, but...if he was hiding some Jewish friends...”

“I would still be confused as to why you didn’t tell me this earlier.”

“But maybe he was trying to protect me...”

“Then he is not nearly as smart as I thought he was, because if he was, he would know that any contact with you means danger for us all, but that Father and I would understand.”

Hope, warm and surprising, blossomed in my chest.

“You understand?” I choked.

“Do you remember when Filipe wanted to join the resistance?” Mama asked me. She so rarely talked about her lost sons, and I was a little taken aback.

“I do...”

“And we all discouraged him. We all thought it was safer for him to just put his head down. Remember?”

“Yes, Mama.”

“Well, we were wrong, Alina. He is dead anyway, and maybe if we had stood up and fought—” Her voice broke, and she cleared her throat, then exhaled. “We have tried so hard to keep you all safe. We have done everything we could to protect you. But that wasn’t nearly enough, and now I am so sorry we didn’t instead find some way to resist. Perhaps we could have made a difference—if not for Filipe, then for someone else. Our passivity makes us guilty, Alina. Father and I have been talking for some time about how we might rectify that, but the right opportunity had not presented itself. Do his friends have shelter?”

“His friends do...but he doesn’t...”

“Then what will he do when the winter comes?” I looked at her, and she raised her eyebrows at me. “It is not far off, Alina. He cannot live in the woods once the snow comes. Tell me you have a plan.”

“He hides in the trees, sometimes he hides behind logs. But he’s been falling asleep during the day and...” I choked on another sob. “He says he will cope, but I’m so scared.”

“Do you understand how much trouble he is in?”

“I do.”

“I need to know that you understand how much trouble you are in, Alina. You are helping him. By half measures, perhaps, if all you are doing is kissing in the woods and sneaking him some crumbs, but it’s still helping him. If he is aiding Jews in hiding, then so are you, and that is punishable by your death.” Her gaze was sharp and focused right on my face. I grabbed her forearm and squeezed—hard. She had to understand. She just had to know how much I loved him. She just had to know that I would take any risk to help him.

“Mama. It’s Tomasz. He’s all alone in the world except for me. Even if it’s dangerous, I could never abandon him.” I wiped at my eyes with my spare hand, and then I said firmly, “Besides, Mama, he is helping a family—a new baby will die if we don’t help. How can I choose my life over that infant?”

Mama stared at me. She surveyed my face and the tears on my cheeks, then she nodded, as if she was satisfied.

“You can’t,” Mama said. “And neither can I. Let me help.”

There was no sign of the soldiers’ trucks when we returned to climb the hill, and the woods were still and quiet again. I scanned the treetops desperately but found no sign of Tomasz, either. I tried to convince myself that he’d stayed in the trees or hidden in a hollow log and survived the sweep, but I had no way of knowing what had happened.