The Things We Cannot Say(122)

Wade and Edison are sitting at the dining room table. I squint at the screen, but it takes me only a moment or two to realize that they’re playing chess. I hear Eddie’s AAC, but I can see that it’s Wade who’s using the screen.

Your turn.

There’s a pause, then Wade and Eddie both laugh. Eddie’s laugh is tinged with mischief and pride, and Wade’s sounds surprised.

“You got me, buddy,” Wade says, then he glances down at the iPad and the AAC says, Good work.

Eddie takes the iPad, and then he laughs with delight and he claps with sheer excitement as the AAC announces, Eddie pawn eat Dad pawn.

The angle is all wrong—and Callie’s iPad is too far away for me to be sure—but when Wade looks up at Eddie, I think I can see a glimmer of something new in his gaze. I can’t tell if it’s affection or love or pride, but the specifics don’t even matter.

Wade is using the AAC, and Eddie and Wade are playing chess.

It’s been a big day—one of the most emotional of my life. But this...this is almost too much. I hold it all together while Callie walks back to her room, and then I unmute the call.

“How long has that been going on?” I ask her. My voice is husky from all of the crying back at Emilia’s house, and I brace myself, hoping to dodge the question if Callie notices and asks why. She’s too busy chuckling at her father, though, and she grins at me as she says, “Well, a few days ago Dad started trying to teach Eddie the rules so they could play together, but he insisted on talking as he did it, so that was obviously a miserable failure,” Callie says, then she rolls her eyes. “But then this morning, Eddie found the instructions book in the box from the chess set, and he sat and read the whole thing, then he got the AAC and he asked Daddy to play. Dad finally seemed to realize if they were going to play together, he’d need to communicate on Eddie’s terms, not his own. They’ve been sitting there ever since. Dad won the first game easily but I have a feeling he’s going to let Eddie win this one. I just thought you’d like to see...you know, since it’s a miracle and all that Dad finally listened to us.”

“Sometimes,” I choke, “Daddy has to see things for himself. I guess...maybe I should have thought of that a few years ago.”

“Oh please, Mommy,” Callie laughs. “You do enough around here. You shouldn’t have to think for Daddy, as well. How’s the holiday?”

“It’s not a hol—” I start to correct her, then I pause. “You know, Pascale, today, I stood at the top of a mountain and I could see into two different countries at once. And I uncovered a secret from your Babcia’s past that’s so amazing—I can’t wait to tell you all about it when I get home. One day, we’re going to come here to Europe together, and I’m going to make you try sauerkraut.”

“What’s that?”

“Fermented cabbage.”

“Ew! Mom! Way to make a gross food even grosser!”

Zofia and I share a grin.

“It sounds like things are okay there without me,” I say to Callie. Her gaze softens.

“Mommy, we miss you. A lot. But...I can’t wait to hear all about your trip. And we’re doing okay today. Two more sleeps, right?”

“Two more sleeps,” I murmur, then I yawn. Loudly. Callie laughs. “Honey bear, I’m at my hotel now so I need to go, but please tell Daddy I’ll call him in five minutes?”

“Sure thing, Mom. Talk to you tomorrow. Love you.”

“Love you too, honey bear,” I say, then she hangs up the call. Zofia parks the car, then she turns to me.

“Glad you didn’t go home this morning?” she says, and I laugh softly.

“That’s maybe the understatement of the decade.”

“Hi, Alice.” Wade is wary when he answers my call. He stares into the camera as if it’s about to bite him.

“I’m sorry,” I blurt, and his eyebrows knit.

“I know, you texted me—”

“No, Wade. I’m really sorry.” A sob breaks, and now he looks quite terrified. “Eddie needs you every bit as much as he needs me. You’ve done things with him this week I couldn’t have done—and that can only open up his world. I’m sorry.”

“Ally, I’m sorry too,” Wade whispers, then I see the flush creep under his skin. “There were things I didn’t understand at all. I get it a bit better now.”

“I figured out Babcia’s big mystery,” I blurt, through my tears. And then, sobbing uncontrollably now, I try to bring him up to speed with the day.

“Alice,” he says, when I finally stop with the weepy babbling. “I am so damned proud of you.”

Just for a second, all of the chaos inside me eases, and my mind is completely still. I have a great love just like Babcia’s great love—and this man is it. It’s not clean and simple, because our lives are not clean and simple—and it’s harder day-to-day to keep that love in our focus, because we have so much else to manage. But right now—just for a moment—the static of managing our kids and his career and the dynamics of our home life has completely cleared, and my love for Wade surges until it’s all I can think about.

Right now, I know one thing for sure: if this separation between us was open-ended, I’d be focused on getting back to him until the very moment of our reunion.