The Things I Know(53)

‘Does anyone help you? Do you have anyone to talk to about it?’ She hated the thought of the burden falling on his narrow, kindly shoulders.

‘Not really. I’ve spoken to my aunts about it in the past, but they don’t really help. They drink with her and then leave me to clear up the mess. I think they find it funny, but it isn’t. Liz at work once told me I should call my mum’s bluff and move out. She said it might force her to take control, to confront the situation, and so I did.’ He paused.

‘What happened?’ She liked Liz, despite having never met her. The woman’s advice and logic seemed sound.

He gave a deep sigh that sounded like defeat. ‘I moved out, rented a flat near work, and she was furious. She didn’t think I’d go through with it, and then, when I did, she got drunk and burned herself quite badly – fell on to the electric fire.’

‘Oh God!’

‘Yep, and a short while later, a couple of days, she knocked on all the neighbours’ doors in the early hours and was ranting, and they had to call the police, who called me. And another time she fell in the bathroom and knocked her tooth out, and another she nearly set fire to the chair with a cigarette.’ He looked skyward and let his arms rise and fall. ‘You name it, she did it, and I kept getting the calls late into the night and early morning, which was wearing and stressful, and when I didn’t get calls it was wearing and stressful, as I couldn’t imagine what was going on, and I was on edge, waiting for the calls. So I gave up, came back home and here we are.’

‘You should have told me what it was like for you, told me about your life here.’

‘I don’t really tell anyone. It’s shameful and it’s not the life I wanted.’

Thomasina looked at him in earnest. ‘No, no, Grayson, it’s not shameful. It’s quite amazing how much you do for her to keep her well and how selfless you are. There aren’t many who would. And you do it because you’re a good son and because, in the end, it feels easier, safer . . .’

‘I guess so.’ He looked down, as if weary.

‘But the truth is, Grayson, time is passing and life doesn’t come to you – you have to chase it.’

‘Or sometimes it does come to you, because here you are.’ His face brightened. ‘I’ve thought so much about all the things I want to say to you and what it might feel like to have you here, and now that you are I feel a bit tongue-tied.’

‘That’s okay. You don’t have to say anything and you don’t have to feel nervous. Everything is okay. Your mum’s asleep and I have no intention of rooting around to find your dad’s blow-up bed.’

He nodded. ‘He wasn’t an arsehole.’ He kept his voice low, picking at the button on his pyjama top.

‘I know.’ She placed her hand on his arm and he laid his palm over it, anchoring her to him. Her heart pulsed.

‘And he didn’t sneak out in the dead of night. He spoke to me, told me he was sorry.’

‘He must have felt so torn.’

He nodded. ‘I’m sorry about the way she spoke to you.’

‘That’s okay. She’s just lonely and probably a bit scared, and alcoholism is a horrible sickness.’

‘What do you think she’s scared of?’ He looked a little perplexed.

‘That you might run out on her, like your dad did. That she might be left alone. That she might lose you.’

‘I guess so. I can’t pretend my sympathy hasn’t worn thin over the years, because it has. Ironically, it’s the way she behaves that might make me run out on her. I’m sick of it, and yet I love her, feel responsible for her. It’s complicated.’

‘Families always are.’ She thought of the pull of the farm and how she and her parents leaned on each other.

‘I’m happy you’re here, Thomasina.’

‘Me too. I didn’t want to force you to see me, in case you didn’t feel the same, but I had this . . .’ She faltered.

‘This what?’

She placed her hand on her stomach. ‘This horrible ache. Like I’d lost something and I needed to find it. I felt sad, really lonely – and I missed you. Does that make any sense?’ She twisted her face upwards to look at him.

‘It does. It makes complete sense.’

‘Did . . . did you miss me at all, Grayson?’ She felt dry-mouthed with nerves at asking. But this was bold! This was chasing life!

‘Every second.’ He nodded. ‘I missed you every second. I thought about you all the time and I couldn’t get to sleep for thinking about you, and I thought about you from the moment I woke up until the moment I went back to sleep.’

Thomasina reached out and took his hand. The feel of his dry palm against hers was life-affirming, warm and wonderful. ‘Really?’

‘Really. You are the best person, smart and beautiful.’ He ran his fingers over the side of her face.

‘You make me feel beautiful.’

‘You make me feel beautiful.’ He spoke sincerely, easily, the truth. ‘Thank you for coming to find me.’

‘I didn’t feel like I had any choice. I wanted to see you, Grayson, to make sure you were the man I thought you were. I couldn’t understand why we didn’t make more of a plan, but I get it now, now I’ve seen . . .’ She nodded her head in the direction of the lounge, where his mum was sleeping off the drink.